fh M. i PRTCR TWENTY- 



ecTii \mf 



PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 




Jill tiK Comfom Of Rome 



A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 



BY 



WILLIAM GILLETTE 



As produced at the Boston Museum^ for the first time^ Monday^ 

March jd^ i8go 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1897, 

By William Gillette, 

IN the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 




NEW YORK 
HAROLD ROORBACH, PUBLISHER 



1^2 Nassau Street 






'ti^ 



Jill the Contfom of Rome. 0> 

- % 

Notice. — The acting rights of this play are reserved by the author. 
Public representation of it, professional or amateur, can be made only 
with the consent of the author or his agents, and on payment of a royalty. 
Application for performance should be made to Carl Herrmann, 13 West 
42d Street, New York City. 

" Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic or musi- 
cal composition for which a copyright has been obtained, without the con- 
sent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs 
or assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, such damages in all cases 
to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first, 
and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall 
appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be 
wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misde- 
meanor and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not exceeding 
one year." — U. S. Revised Statutes, Title bo, chapter z^ sectioji At'^bb. 

Dramatis Personam and Original £a$t* 

ALFRED HASTINGS, Pettiboite's nefhnv Mr. John Mason. 

IlO^I l\c\i<y^, a protege 0/ Alfred's Mr Geo. W. Wilson. 

THEODORE BENDER, Esq., a retired produce dealer . Mr. Geo. C. Boniface. 

JOSEPHINE BENDER. ///i-vy//^ Miss Annie M. Clarke. 

¥.V.\'iilOE\.\S\L y.E'SDV.K, their daughter Miss Miriam O'Learv. 

MR. ECjBERr PETTl^O'iiE, a peculiarly Jealous 7nan . Mr. Thos. L. Coleman. 

ROSABELLE 1? KIT I VtO'HE, his second wife Miss Lilian Hadley. 

EMILY PETTIBONE, Petti/joue's daughter Miss Evelyn Campbell. 

CHRISTOPHER "DWi^EY, a broken-down }>tusic-teacher . . Mr. Chas. S. Abbe. 
JUDSON L,kl>iC\iOK'tiE, a young man 0/ leisure .... Mr. Erroll Dunbar. 
¥l¥l 0'R.\TAl:i^Kl,/rom the Opira Coinigiee . . . Miss Emma V. Sheridan. 
AUGUSTUS 'Wz^i^hlW, africfid of Pettihone's youth . . Mr. James Burrows. 
y\Q.TOK '^lAYTVt.E, in love with Emily Pettibone . . . . Mr. Junius B. Booth. 

THOMPSO'S, a shoe -denier . . . Mr. H. P. Whittemore. 

KATY, fntiid at Pettibone's Miss Mary Hebron. 

GRETCHEN, Pi/i's maid Miss Blake. 

BAILIFF, merely a baili^ Mr. Edward Wade. 

WHERE IS IT ? 

Drawing-room of a private house in London. 

WHEN IS IT? 
Now. 

xnr r A AT • WHAT TIME IS IT? 

Ac r I. — A Mornmg. , . 7 

Act II. — A Few Mottilngs Later. 

Act ITI. — Another Morning. 

Act IV. — The Same Morning. 

(Good-Morning.) 

Time of Playing. — Two Hours and Thirty-five Minutes, 

"AN' I GITS HALF." 
Z 



Alfred. Ordinary business suit. Change in Act III. for costume 
suitable for an afternoon call. 

BENiER^'"^^'"^"^ assortment of garments all rather the worse for wear. 

Josephine. I . T^^ ^^^'•'^ o^ a well-to-do provincial family on a 

Evangeline. J ^^^^^ ^^ ^^^ metropolis. Bender has gray hair. 

Pettibone. Black frock coat and waistcoat; fancy trousers; over- 
coat; silk hat; gloves. He has iron-gray hair and mustache. 

Mrs. Pettibone. Act I. — ist dress, morning-gown ; 2d dress trav- 
elhng costume. Act IV. - Same as 2d dress in Act I 

Emily. Act I. - ist dress, street gown, hat, gloves, parasol, etc.; 
2d dress, travel-ling costume. Act IV. -Same as 2d dress in Act I 

Dabney. Eccentric and old-fashioned clothes ; tall hat, etc., for Ist 
iTtf .?''^^^;,"g-g7"' flannels, bandages, etc., for invalid bus at end 
of Act II. and in Act IV. He wears a bald wig 

_ Langhorne. Clothes ultra-fashionable and somewhat loud. He car- 
ries a small cane and red or tan gloves. Small mustache. 

tunfe 7:« P ^'^ v^^'^^ '^'f,".' '°''""'" ^"^ house-dress. Comic-opera cos- 
tume (" Prince Vladimir") at end of Act II 

and^whiske'rs.' ^'^"""^ "^ '^ '" '^^''^^ ^"""^^^ "^""- Light-gray hair 

Smythe. Fashionable but quiet attire, complete in every detail. 

ifr'^'^Jr''* \ ^'?\"^^y everyday dress, marked by sufficient ec- 
^AILIFF. j centncity to suggest their occupations. " 

KATY. Maid-servant's costume, with outer garments for travelling. 
Gretchen. Street dress, neat but plain. ^ 

Propcrtks. 

Act I —Small table up l. Ottoman l. Shelves with books, orna- 
ments, e C, against wall l. Table r. or r. c, with armchair l. of it, 
and smaller chairs r. and back of it. Upright piano c. or up r. Lar^e 
mirror up R. Pictures on walls and bric-a-brac around room. Desk l. wilh 
cnair before It. Other chairs conveniently disposed about stage. Table 
upstage Hat-rack up L.C. Carpet down. Key in door r. 3 e. Open 
letter and watch for Pettibone. Satchel, two or three small parcels, and 
bird in cage for Emily. Bell on table r. Fan and several small parcels 

on d^'k-L 'm'''^'^- ^°°'^'i P^f^^^°' P^P^^^' writing-materials', etc 
Tr.lli ^, .^°"5y On envelope) and keys in Pettibone's pockets 
Travelling things for Emily and Katy. Parcel, rolled in carrying-straps 
for Alfred, to contain cuffs and shirts, etc., showing at the ends^a few 
books; a pair of fencing-foils; a set of boxing-gloves ; a pair of riding 
U^hrHI^ ^"? P'Pi^ ^""^ ^ u°°^^'^'^- Notebook and pencil for Alfred. 
ym.ii J ' S"P'^?' ^"^, ?.^f travellers' articles for Pettibone. Two 
mI f°^'*AT P^^^^g^°* bird-seed. Sponge and cake of soap. Pawn- 
fLet '' wkhThfh n^ P'"r^ 'Pi " Elegantly Furnished Apartments 
off 7 ; . ^ ""^-T P'''*'°'' ^'^'^^^ ""'■ torn o«- Crashes overhead ; 

hLi' ^ ' f i"""^'.'?.^' "P P- 'Lwo feather-beds, two bolsters, and twi 
blankets overhead Water-pitcher and glasses on table up stage Money 

forloM™^- ^^"V- pocket-book for Dabney. Red ^igmLt (blood^ 
h. iZ' r A °" ''^ '^•' .containing two small articles (audiphones) for 
me eais. Card-case, containing cards, for Fifi. ^ r y 



Act II. — Furnishings, etc., as in Act I. Tray of breakfast things, cup 
of tea, package, bunch of keys, mustard-plaster, pail of hot water, and 
sealed note fpr TOM. Bells off stage up R. ; L. 2 E. ; and overhead. 
Pipe, tobacco in bag, and matches for Bender. Dressmaker's bill (l. 3 e.) 
for FiFi. Hat and cane for Bender. Jewel-case off R. 3 E. Bundle of 
legal papers for Bailiff. Bill for Thompson. Money in Alfred's 
pocket. Money, in purse, for Josephine. Newspaper in Alfred's pocket. 
Table-cover, on table near c, for Bender to snatch. Mustard-plaster for 
Dabney. 

Act III. — Furniture, etc., as before. Large pasteboard box, as per 
description, page 74, for ToM. Pot of black paint and brush on table c. 
Bells off stage, l. 2 E. ; and up r. Hook on wall near foot of stairs. 
Hat and cane for Bender. Bell, pipe, paper novel, beerrmug, and noise 
overhead. Hat for Alfred to enter with. Newspaper. Demijohn, 
newspaper in wrapper, sealed letter, and two bottles of champagne for 
Tom. Umbrella off R. 3 E. Telegram. Key for Fifi. Breakfast- 
hamper containing two bottles of champagne (one a dummy) ; some 
French chops ; a salad and other fancy dishes ; rolls ; corkscrew ; wine- 
glasses ; knives, plates, tablecloth, napkins, etc., for two ; also two 
bunches of flowers for corsage and buttonhole. Fountain pen for Alfred. 
Book on table. Vase for Bender to smash. Crash and step-ladder off 

R. 3 E. 

Act IV. — Furniture, etc., as before. Table up c Money in purses, 
satchels, parcels, and other travelling things used in Act I., for Mrs. Pet- 
tibone and Emily. Towel about Dabney's head-. Rugs, umbrella, 
portmanteau, etc., for Pettibone. Lock inside of door I. 3 E. Papers 
and plaster (l. 2 E. ) for Pettibone. Dressmaker's bill for Bender. Paper 
Cused in Act I.) for Alfred. 

In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience. C. means 
centre ; R., right ; L., left ; R. C, right of centre ; L. C, left of centre ; 
C. D., centre door ; r. d., right door ; L. D., left door ; D. R. C, door 
right of centre ; D. L. C, door left of centre : D. F., door in the flat ; 
C, D. F., centre door in the flat ; R. D. F. , right door in the flat ; L. D. F., 
left door in the flat ; I G., 2 G., 3 G., etc., first, second, or third grooves, 
etc. ; I e., 2 E., 3 E., etc., first, second, or third entrances, etc. ; R. U.E., 
right upper entrance ; L. U. E., left upper entrance ; UP, up stage or 
toward the rear ; DOWN, down stage or toward the audience. 

R. R. C. C. L, C. L. 



m\ tbe Comfom of Rome. 



ACT I. 



SCENE. — Ear/or or drcuvi?ig-roo?n in Egbert Pettibone's 
house. A handsome ?'oom, luxuriously furjiished. Large 
square or arched opening up r. c, through udiich is seen 
a large heavy door up r. to open on stage, and also the 
lower part of a winding stairway, leading up, afid prac- 
tical, with balustrade, etc. A door 2ip r. near 3, set on di- 
agonal so that it faces toivard tniddle of front of stage. 
This door has a transom above it to ope?i. The door opens 
on the stage. Door down r. Wide or double doors up l. 
c, to ope7i tip stage. Interior backing show big a windotv 
impractical^, and above this street backing. Door down l. 
Door up L. or l. 3. Doors r. ajid L. are each backed ivith 
ha7idsome interior pieces. It is if?ipo?'ta?it that the door up 
R., 7iear stairs, should be solid, to slam heavily ; and it 
would add greatly to the ejfect if all the doors could be sim- 
ilarly built, and the transom over door R. 3. Hands o?ne 
tables, chaii's, etc., as per bus. A small table up l., either 
in corner or against wall, to pull out for bus. An ottmnan 
or short loimge l. Shelves for books, ornainents, etc., 
against wall l., for bus. (Bender upsetti?ig tJwigs, act 
III.) Handsome table r. c. Upright piano up c. or at 
R. A la?ge and elegantly moimted mirror {for bus.) up 
R., either just above door r. 3 or up c. This mirror may 
be a part of some large and elegant piece of furniture. 
Hafidsomely framed pictures (^pai?iti7igs, etc.) ha7ig 07i 
walls R. a7id l. and up stage. Ofie or two at r., slightly 

5 



tit CcMfcrts cf home. 

, . , a/ tt0f too fnitif. .... C Ai.'i' ^, ... ., 

ti/> L. c, onJ furniture of a (har* 
iUteriitic nature /// «iMv openiu)^ up r. 

Note. — .-li Mi> iifnt ttitndsjor the ermhig^ aihantage shouU 
be taken of the faet to henr the setting very complete in ri'ery 
rapeit, Kuh^ iujcurioui Jumiture^ eases of books and brie-a- 
brae^ ete. JfanJsimie/y frameJ paintings^ etc., hanging on 
waJIs. Hall up k. Stairs anJ rooms r. anil !„ outiiJi' ,>f 
tloors^ carpeted with different varieties of stuffs etc. 

Mi 'S/C. — Lively music for Curtain. Continue pp. 
a few bars after curtain is up. READ Y P'mii.y, 
to enter door up r. 

DJSCOVKRED, h:<;BERT pETriM>NK, pacing up 
and dinvn and around room in a very excited state, 
with a Uttc'r in his hand. Runs other hand through 
his hair diitractedly. Drops into chair ; hoks at 
the letter ; buries face in hands. Jumps sudtienly 
up and paces again. Repeats chair bus. 

Petti BON F.. 1 have suspected it all along ! Now it is no 
longer suspicion — it is certainty. {Bus.) I was cautioned 
against marrying a young wife — at my age. Ah ! — kind 
friends {agony : eyes up to ceiling) — kind friends — you were 
right. {Bui. Letter to light.) I have a copy of her letter 
— niaking the appointment. (Looks at it. Reads.) " Come 
this afternoon between one and two o'clock. No one will 
be here to disturb us!" Oh! (Bus.) I have arranged 
that ! (Races about the room, muttering.) Some one will be 
here to disturb ' "" ^fr — ^U. — (looks tit /r-f/''> Vi« tor 
Smythe ! 

ENTER Emilv Peitibone door up r. ; hat and 
walking dress on^ as if just in from street. She 
has tu>o or three small parcels and a little satchel 
such as ladies carry for shopping. She is about to 
pass the wide door of room up R., when her father's 



JW m Comforts of 1>oiti 7 

conduct attracts her attentioji. She comes into the 
room a little ivay^ ivatching him^ and soon bursts 
into a nierry laugh. Petti bone tur?is quickly. 
Crosses to and fro R. and L. Conceals letter. 

Emily (c). How many laps have you made since break- 
fast ? (^Laughs again. Covics down l. of Pettibone.) Do 
tell me what is the matter this morning. 

Pet. (r. ; goes to and f?'o and stops r., meeting her). Mat- 
ter .? Nothing ! 

Emily (c. ; peremptorily, but good-naturedly). You hid a 
letter — I want to see it ! {Bus.) 

Pet. (r. c). No! No! {Avoiding her ^ 

Emily. What ! As bad as that ! I shall have to report 
this to my stepmamma. 

Pet. {aghast). What ! Report that I — that I — {aside). 

[Emily bursts out laughing again. 

Emily (l. c.) Oh — but you're in a state ! 

Pet. (r. c. ; recovers). Ah — e — -hem*! It's only busi- 
ness, my child. 

Emily. Business ! {Looks incredulous^ 

Pet. Listen ! You have often expressed a wish to travel 
— to see the world. {Crosses to l.) 

Emily. Yes ; but you needn't go into convulsions about 
it, papa ! I can wait a little ! 

Pet. You will not have to wait 1 We start to-day ! 

Emily. Oh ! you dear — {about to embrace him) good — • 

Pet. {stopping her). No ! We haven't time for that ! 
{Crosses to l. a7id r.) 

SPREAD Y Katy, to enter door up l. c. 

Emily. Goodness ! You must be in an awful hurry I 

Pet. Hurry .? I am in a ■ — '{stops in midst of rising rage ; 

aside). No — no — no! She must not suspect. {Aloud.) 

Emily, my dear {kisses her, but in a?t excited and mecha?iical 

fashion), I am suddenly compelled to go to the Continent 



$ ^li fix Coaforfs of ho»€. 

on business ot vasit inipiirtancc. I !»hail take you and — 

and yuur .stcpmuther with inc. 

I :i.v (u). Oh! Thai is simply In .i\tiu> 

i . .. (r.). Vou have only half an hour to get ready I 

K\iii.v. Ready now — walk right off with you — only 

want to throw some things into a trunk. 
I'lrr. (r.). Your trunks are packed. 

f E.MII-V 'U*U' surf rise,/. 

b.Mn.\ \^i..j. i>c.ii im-, rop>), Imu you arc in a hurry! 
Did Katy — 

l*Kr. I told her to put in everything she saw. (I*kiti- 
BO.NE rin^s Mi violattiy^ on table r., dropping it, etc., in ex- 
cite men t.) 

Kmii.v [iij^/ijii). K\cryiiung she saw — Mercy! 

\^KEAD Y knock and voice up r. 
{^ENTEK Katv, door up u c. 

l*Kr. My daugiucr h trunks — are they packed yet 1 Are 
they packed, I say ? 

KArv («/ L. c). Yes, sir — they are, sir. 

Pet. (r.). And — Mrs. Pettibone — her trunks — our 
trunks ? 

Katv. They're all ready, sir — but she doesn't under- 
stand why — 

I*KT. {suddenly /onreftinF himself^. Yh. \ {Fci^:'nh\\ What 
did she say, eh ? 

K.ATV. She said it was her opinion, sir, as you was gone 
completely cra/y. 

Pkt. She's right i 1 — e — Go and tell her she's right, 
do you hear ,^ ^Fumes about,^ 

Katv. Yes, sir I {EXIT Ka rv, /// L. c.) 

[Kmilv, who has been watching Pkitihone, burst i 
into lauf^hter. 

Pkt. Do! .And if she wants to know — (PErriBo.NE 
stops suddenly and looks sheepish). 



Jfii m Comfom or Rome. ^ 

Emily (l. ; sokfimly, shaking finger at Pettibone). Popsy 
— there's something at the bottom of all this ! 

Pet. (r.). No! {Shakes head emphatically) Nothing at 
all, only business. {Ticrns l., shaking head, muttering about 
business, etc. Paces out into hall up r.) 

[Kfiock outside, r. 

READ V Mrs. Pettibone, to e?iter up l. c. 

{Calling off r. d., to so7?ieo?ie.) Is that the cab ? Is the cab 
there, I say .? 

Voice {outside, r.). Yes, sir ; and the men are here for 
the luggage. 

Pet. Send them up the other way. The other way, you 
fool! 

Voice {outside, r.). Yes, sir. 

Emily {starting), Mercy ! I must see if Katy has put in 
everything — and my bird — and, and — oh, dear ! {Puns 
off, up L. c.) 

Pet. {comi7ig down r. ; looks at watch nervously as he paces). 
Now, why doesn't Alfred come ! I sent word from the office 
an hour ago that he must come at once — and it's long after 
that now. He must stay here in the house — he can't object 

— far better quarters than the little garret where he's lodg- 
ing now. And I must let him know that I approve of his 
suit with Emily — and I must give directions about the 
house. Confound it ! {Faces.) We haven't fifteen minutes 

— and — all these things to be settled ! {Crosses l.) 

ENTER Mrs. Pettibone, /// l. c. Note. — Mrs. 
Pettibone is very deliberate and cool, a contrast to 
the others. 

Pet. {comes down r. c. ; aside). Ah — my wife — Now 
for it ! {Goes l.) Have you attended to the packing, Ma- 
dam ? 

Mrs. Pettibone {sits l. of r. table; chilly tone). Oh, yes 

— I have nothing to do but attend to your orders. 
Pet. We are about to start on a — a little trip. 



w B\\ ib< Coiifom of home. 

Mrs. I*. uA///i// dus. ; looks at Pn •f""^«^'v Ah ! When 
do wc t;o, pr.iy .* 

Prr. {^watching her narnnviy). We leave — this morning. 

[Mrs. !*miB<JNE starts slightly, 
(Asidf^ qnukly.) She started ! 

READ i Alfred, to enter up r. 

Mk.>. 1*. \^dsiji). Taor \ ictor! He will be heartbroken. 

!*Ki. {iisiiie : watching her). She is lliinking of the ap- 
pointment I I can see it ! 

Mrs. p. {aside), lie must overcome his impatience until 
we return. 

Prr. Come, come ! It is nearly time. V'our things — 
\'our — your — {Stops as he meets her gaze. Crosses r.) 

Mrs, p. (risi/ig and crossing up to L. c. ix : /ooks calmly at 
Petti BO .\K ; walks leisurely to door up L. c. ; turns). I sup- 
pose it has not occurred to you to tell me where we are 
jrning — whether to Asia, Africa, the North Pole, or the 
Sandwich Islands ? 

Pet. {Crosst^ "^ /■> ^ >. I - I — You uill know brfore 
— before — 

Mrs. p. Ilefore I get there } That would be delightful ! 

{EXIT up L. C.) 
[PErriBUNE stands speechless y looking after her. 

Pet. (l. c). Oh — you are very composed ! Yet I saw 
you start once — and — and this letter — this letter ! {Grinds 

teeth. ) 

E.XTER Alfred Hastings up r., carrying a par- 
cel rolled in carrying straps — cuffs and shirts^ etc.^ 
showing at the ends ; a few books ; a pair of foils ; 
a set of boxing-ghKcs ; a pair of riding-lwots ; a 
long pipe, and a bootjack. 

(Seeing Alfrkd.) What in the name of common-sense kept 
you all this time .' I said at once ! At once I 

Alfred (r.). Kind and severe uncle and guardian, you did. 



J\\\ tbc Comforts of Bomc. n 

But you also ordered me to bring all my belongings, as I 
was to stay here. 'Jliese orders of yours clashed. My land- 
lady objected to the removal of my property. 
Pet. (l.). Then you left it, of course ? 
Alf. Oh, no ; I brought it. 
Pet. Those ? 

Alf. These. (F/^fs tJwigs down on table r.) 
Pet. Is that all ? 

Alf. No ; I have quite an assortment of pawn-tickets 
in my pockets. {Sits luxuriously l. of R. table:) It's the best 
way to have property — a fellow can move so easily. 

Pet. (l. ; starting sudde?il\). Well, we have no time to 
talk. {Becomes more and wore excited.) I am starting on a 
journey with my family. 

Alf. {slight surprise). Don't say ! 

Pet. Yes. You are to stay here and take care of the 
house. No one is to know where I am going. Not a soul 
— not a soul. 

Alf. Well, where is it ? 
Pet. I — haven't made up my mind. 
Alf. Devilish good idea ! So long as you don't know, I 
don't think anybody else is likely to discover. 
Pet. If they do — if he follows us — {Bus.) 
Alf. {after watcJwig Petti bone quietly, rises). Let me 
feel your pulse. {Bus.) 

Pet. Nonsense ! Don't interrupt me — we have only four 
minutes. Now, as to my daughter Emmy. You love her — 
don't interrupt — I know it — it's all right — you have my 

consent. 

Alf. By Jove ! {Bus. as if to seize Pettibone's hand.) 
Pet. {pulling away). No — we haven't time for that ! 

{Goes to desk l., nervously. Bus, with things. Throws papers 

about excitedly.) 

Alf. (c, aside). Gave his consent — but doesn't know 

what he's saying. I'll make him put it in writing. {Scraiids 



II H\\ \h< Coaroris cf home. 

r».T. {/(Hfkitig). What is it ? 

Alk. Your constMit. You iuii»ht die — I think you will. 

Prr. (u). Well, well I (Scrau'is his name on the consent.) 
You arc not rich — but I can trust you. 

Ai.F. Thanks. So can 1. 

Put. It is said cousins should not marry — that their 
children are liable to be lunatics. Nonsense ! Perfect 
rubbish 

AtF. Nothing in it. 

Pkt. Nothing, {^/.au^/i^ .w iM.ax.) 1 la, ij.i, J».i ! 

Alf. Absurd ! Ha, ha ! 

Pkt. Ridiculous ! Ha, ha, ha ! Simply ridiculous ! 
Why, look here ! My own parents were cousins them- 
selves ! 

Al.K. ystofi idu^ntn^ ; itsidi). l>y Jmc! lucres some- 
thing in it after all ! 

I*KT. (i..). Now, listen ! I will tell you why I leave town 
so suddenly. It is because my wife (jgnts/s Alfred^ s sUete ; 
hisses in his ear) is deceiving me ! She is false ! False I 

Al.K. (c). Now you're wrong, Uncle, believe me I 

Pkt. •* Ik'lieve me ! " Don't I know .^ Oh! I have over- 
looked a goo<l many things. Dudes and coxcombs paying 
a)l sorts of attention to her — confound them ! (Bns. A'nshes 
up and doivn i.. Stops before Alfred again,) Ikit now I have 
proof — proof, I tell you! I have seen a fine gentleman lin- 
L:tring near for some time — following us to concerts, thea- 
tres, o|>eras, — always getting a seat as near as possible. 
There have been looks exchanged — there have been letters 
written — 

Alf. (r.). The deuce ' 

Ptrr. (l..>. .Ah ! y<ni be;;M» i<> see ! {J\ites excttedly.) 

Alk. No, sir ; I don't .see anything ! 

Ymi, {vehemently : first glances \.^). Then, look! See some- 



Jfil m Comforts of Rome. n 

thing ! Her letter ! Making an appointment — here ! Two 
o'clock! "No one to disturb us!" Ugh! Read! Read! 
{Paces about r 00771?) 

[Alfred IooJzs at letter^ a7id gives a whistle. 
{Starti7ig). Ugh ! Don't do that — read — read ! 

Alf. (r., rcadifig). " My dear Mr. Smythe : I will grant 
you the interview you ask. Come this afternoon between 
one and two o'clock. My husband is at his business then, 
and no one will be here to disturb us. You must be very 
cautious, however, or you will spoil all. Yours ever, Rosa- 
belle Pettibone." {TtC7-7is it ove7'.) This is in your hand- 
writing, I observe. 

Pet. (l.). Yes — I copied it; and then T sent the original 
on. He will get it ! He will come ! His name is Victor 

Smythe, d n him — and there will be some one here to 

disturb him ! 

Alf. Of course. You will wait and fight him ! 

Pet. Fight ? That is what he wants — to put me out of 
the way ! No, sir ! I am going to surprise him ! He will 
find you here to receive him ! 

Alf. Jove ! You surprise me ! 

Pet. And you must give him a reception that he won't 
forget. {Doubles fists a7id pa7ito77umes.) 

Alf. I must, eh ? {S77iili7ig bus.) 

[Pettibone, bus. of sighing vig07-ously. 
{Laughi7ig.) All right. I'll attend to the gentleman. 

Pet. You will ? 

Alf. Certainly! Delighted — dislocate his nose. {Bus.) 

Pet. {delighted). That's it ! 

Alf. Knock out an eye. 

Pet. {bus.; e7ithusias77i). Good! Ha, ha I 

SPREAD V Mrs. Pettibone, to enter L. c. 

Alf. Lacerate an ear 

Pet. {bus:). Ha, ha ! Yes ! Ha, ha I 

Alf. Do him up generally. 



14 HW itK Co«fort$ of hone. 

Pkt. {^tij.). l>o hiin up ! Ha, ha ! 
Alf. Then — to avoid unpleasant lowii-. — ull hira it 
was all a terrible mistake ~ wronj; man — apologize — j»ew 
up his car — set his nose — write a prescription — and 
charge him five pounds. 

Pet. Ha» ha ! Vou're a nephew after my own heart ! 
Alk. (r. c). No I It's your daughter's heart I'm after. 
Pet. (c). Yes ! 1 see I Ha, ha : [BiU/i /au^/t. 

(SuiUcMiy.) What! {H'itti/t.) It's time to start ! Merciful 
powers ! Suppose the fellow should find me here 1 (Hus/us 
! Cai/s off.) Here ~ Kmmy : Kosabelle ! Hurry! 

Hurry! {Ditnces back to Alkrkd. Bus. of ^fttin^ things 
Jrt>m pockets.) Here — money — carry you through this 
month. I'll send more soon. Take good care of everything 
— keys. {Hits.\ Look out for this one — key to wine-cellar. 
{Crosses l,) {^READ Y Kmii.v an.i Katv, to enter l. 

EAJEK Mrs. Petmbone, l. c. She is in travel- 
ling costume. Carries scleral parcels ^ and is but- 
toning her glttve. 
Mrs. P. {ilown c). Ah, Alfred I I suppose you have 
not heard that we — 

Pet. (l.). Ves, yes ! He is to live here and take care of 
the house. If any one comes, he will receive them ! 

[Mrs. Pkitibone starts slightly, Cnya^t to \ . 
{Asiile to Alfred — quickly.) Did you see that ? 

[Alfred nods, Mrs. Pkitibonk. i. PKrriBONE 
picks up o7'crcoat^ hat^ etc.^ up c, still keeping his 
eye on Mrs. I* fit i b« >n p.. 

M...->. P 1./././ I If I cntllij iiiiK jr^^J Woiil »>« jiiMi t^«>t to 

come ! 

Pet. {down - •»me, come ! No more delay ! {Up to 

I- c, and calls.) Emmy ! Emmy ! {C'p and doivn c., glancing 
excitedly at Mrs. Petti imjne mnv and then,) 

Emii.v {outside, \.. c). Coming, papa ! Coming! 

Mrs. p. {to .Alfred; approaching). Your uncle seems to 
be having some kind of a fit to-day. 



Jill the Comforts of l)ome. I5 

Alf. (r. ; aside). A mis-fit, I should say. 

ENTER Emily, l., ivith traveUijig things., bird- 
cage ivitli bird, etc., followed by Katy, also pre- 
pared for journey, and leading pug dogs by strings, 
or. carrying them. 

Emily {lioivn c). Here I am — and {sees Alfred). O 
Alfred ! Good-by ! {Holds out her hand to him.) Did you 
ever hear of such a sudden start 1 

Alf. (r. ; to ExMily). Your father has consented. 

Emily (c). What ! 

Alf. (r.). Look at that ! {Shows paper ^ 

Emily. He's crazy! {Gives Ki.Y'R.'^Ti a look. Crosses to k.) 
[Pettibone and Mrs. Pettibone have filled time 
with bus. of getti?ig ready. 

Pet. {cioimi l. c). Emily ! You don't intend to carry 
the birds ! And your dogs, Rosabelle — 

Emily (r.). But how could we leave them, with no one 
to take care of the darlings .'* 

Pet. {going to d. up r.). Didn't I say that Alfred is to 
stay here .'' 

Emily. Oh ! {Bus.) Then you shall take care of my 
little birdies ! 

Mrs. p. {taking dogs from Katy and hurrying l. to Al- 
fred, 7vho is c). And my darlings ! I'll trust them to you, 
Alfred ! {Givifig them to Alfred.) 

Emily. There are "the seeds. {Getting them from Katy 
up c, and dow?L r. ^Alfred. Putting packages in Alfred's 
R. hand.) And you know about the fresh water every morn- 
ing ? {Bus.) 

Pet. (fiear door up r.). We must go, I tell you ! 

\I3oth ladies exclaim, and hurry toward door up r. 

Mrs. p. (l. ^y" Alfred; bus^. They must have a walk 
every day — and no meat ! And — (^getting sponge and soap 
from Katy.) 

Emily (r. ; to Alfred). And if their feathers come out — 



16 Jill tbe eomfom of l)ome. 

Mrs. p. Oh — and the bath-sponge and soap — the dog 
soap — {puffing if unJer Alfred's l. ar7?i). 

Emily. And green things. Come, mamma! 

[Petti BONE ca/ls. All call good-by^ efc.^ and EXE- 
UNT door up R., leaving Alfred loaded wifh 
cages, dogs, and any truck that ca7i go with them. 
READY Tom, to enter up r. 

Alf. Good-by! Good-by ! {Bus. of following them to 
door, 7vaving dogs, bird-cages, etc. ; stumbling about.) I'll take 
care of everything ! {Ttirns and goes across to l. after bus.) 
ril give these things a dose of arsenic. Here — they can 
just go in here for the present. There you are ! {Etc., to fill 
out bus. Alfred puts poodles, birds, etc., off at door l. 3. Sur- 
veys the place^ This isn't so bad ! Uncle Egbert's jealousy 
may be deuced annoying to him, but I don't mind it in the 
least. An elegant mansion at my disposal — not to speak of 
the key to the — {smiles). Now, if I could only think of some 
way to raise the money for old Hiflin's note that comes due 
to-morrow, I'd be perfectly serene. As I can't, I'll be serene 
anyway. Let's see — he didn't leave me enough to — {looks 
at contents of envelope). No — oh, no — bare expenses. I — 
oh, by Jove ! I forgot all about Tom. {Goes into room up 
L. c, and opens windoiv back. Speaks off.) Hello, there ! 
Tom! Come in; you'll find the door open! {Shuts ivin- 
dow and comes doian.) I can give him a lodging now; that'll 
help the poor chap along a little, anyhow. Heaven knows 
I'd give him money if I had it ; he's had a hard row to hoe. 
{Sifs L. of R. table luxuriously in easy-chair, half reclini?ig. 
Smokes.) 

ENTER Tom McDow tip r., stopping uncertainly 
at entrance to room. 
Hello ! 

Tom {doivn c). Gee-whiffles ! This ain't the place, is it ? 

Alf. {seated r.). Yaas — I've decided to take the house 
for a few months, although it isn't quite up to what I 
wanted. 



Jill tbe Comforts of l)omc. 17 

Tom. Holy smoke ! You must 'a' struck it rich ! 

Alf. Thomas, this is my uncle's house. He has gone 
abroad with his entire family. I am to stay here and look 
out for things. You are to stay and look out for me ! 

Tom. Yes, sir. {Looks about.) What shall I go at first, 
sir ? 

Alf. Well, the first thing required is to entertain a cer- 
tain gentleman named Victor Smythe, who is expected to 
call here between one and two. Thomas, remove my rai- 
ments. [Tom takes Alfred's traps off table r., puts thei7i 

into room r. 2 e., a?id ?'etiirns to c. 
{Raises himself a little absently, feeling for watch. Pulls out 
pawn-ticket. Bus.) Ah ! My watch is being — 'hem — re- 
gilded. {Reclines agai?i.) No matter. We can tell the time 
by Smythe. When he comes it'll be about one o'clock. 

Tom. Will we receive him with honor, sir .'' 

Alf. {still seated r.). Eh ? Oh, yes ! We will honor him 
with one of the most scientific thrashings known to art. 

Tom. (c. ; putting himself into pugilistic attitude). Thrash- 
ings ? You don't mean — {motion or two — abse?itly, looking 
questioningly at same time at Alfred). 

Alf. That is the idea. I've given my word to attend to 
it — and I trust I can count upon you — to — 

Tom. Count, Mr. Hastings ! I'd do anything in the 
world for you. 

Alf. Thanks — 

Tom. After your kindness to me, sir, and getting me out 
of that there scrape — ■ 

Alf. That's all right {waving hand to quiet Tom). 

Tom. And borrowin' the money to do it — 

Alf. {rising up a little). But I know all about it, my boy. 

Tom. And promisin' to take me into your ofiice — 

Alf. {emphatically). When I have one, Thomas. 

Tom. Quite right, sir. And tiiis note that's a-bothering 
you, Mr. Hastings — if I could only think of some way to 



1$ J9I1 tbe Comfom of botMc. 

fix it — I'd — {looks about'). If this was on'y your house, 
now, we could sell it, couldn't we ? 

Alf. Yes — or let it — and live on the income in afflu- 
ence and luxury. 

Tom {husmess of tryi?ig all the chairs by sitting on the^n one 
after another). This here funnitoor an' fixin's would fetch a 
tidy little pile — an' here we are only two of us to sit in 'em. 
It's clear waste, sir, that's what it is ! 

[Alfred sits up, and looks around room. 

Alf. Wait a minute. {Bus. of looking, etc.) It's all 
right ! 

Tom. Is it, though 1 

Alf. {rises to c). Yes. We'll let these rooms to lodgers ! 

[Tom glances about quickly, 
(Excitedly.) It's one of the most desirable places in town. 
(r. c.) Make 'em pay a month in advance, of course. 

Tom (l. c). Of course — or two months — or a year, 
sir ! 

Alf. No — a month will do. Then I can take care of 
that infernal note, and keep out of the clutches of the law. 
I want you to go in with me on this — 

Tom. I'd do anything in the world for — 

Alf. Yes — I know. I can't pay you, though — haven't 
got it. But I'll take you into partnership, by Jove ! 

Tom {doubtfully). What'll that do to me, sir ? 

Alf. We go in together, don't you see ? I run the — er 
— the business part of it — you take care of the lodgers — 
we divide the profits. 

Tom. Divide the prof — 

Alf. You get half. 

Tom. I gits — half ! Do you really mean it, sir ? 

[Alfred nods, 
{Delighted^ Ha, ha, ha ! 

[Alfred laughs also. Slaps Tom oji back. 

Alf. May make your fortune, my boy. 



Jlll m Comforts of Borne. 19 

Tom. It ain't that, sir! I don't care for the money 

but — ge-whiffles ! I gits half ! Ha, ha, ha ! That's the 
first time as such a thing ever occurred to me — I give ye 
my word, it is. (Tom l^iis. of hopping about with delight) 

What's to do, sir ? Oh — just gimme something to do 

quick ! (Tom in his restlessness is near door up r. on this 
speech?) 

Alf. The first thing is to get a sign out announcing 
lodgings to let ; a nicely painted — 

Tom. Yes, sir ! {EXIT quickly door up r.) 

Alf. Artistic sort of thing that will attract. Hello, the 
fellow's gone ! {Looks about?) This is a clever scheme, by 
Jove ! and he put it into my head. He'll be just the one to 
help me with it too. He'd do anything in the world for me. 
Never saw a fellow so grateful as he was when I pulled him 
through that little scrape he was foolish enough to get into. 
{Sits at desk l., and writes?) Now, I suppose some sort of 
a lease or agreement is necessary — or — let me see — 
" Rules for Lodgers." That's it ! Rules is what I want. 
First. " Rent must be paid strictly in advance." ( Writes 
it. Looks about as if trying to think of something else.) 
That's the only rule that seems to occur to me. In this 
case — oh — ah — {writes). "Children and dogs" — what 
is it that children and dogs do ? Oh, yes — {writes). That 
settles children and dogs. Here's another. ( Writes?) "Any- 
thing ordered will be charged extra." That doesn't sound 
quite right, someway ; but it'll have to go. 

RENTER Tom quickly up r. 

Tom. (r.). Here it is, sir ! 

Alf. (l.). What? 

Tom. The sign. (Tom shows a nicely painted sign which 
reads — 

ELEGANTLY FURNISHED 
APARTMENTS 
TO LET. 
The bottom portion being evidently broken or torn off?) 



20 Jill tbc Comforts of Rome. 

Alf. In Heaven's name where did you get that ? 

Tom. Just down tlie street. 

Alf. Buy it ? 

Tom. Not much — took it off a house. 

Alf. Good gracious, my boy, that's going too far ! 

Tom (I>?riit/ikss). Only four doors past the corner, sir. 
. Alf. But, see here — you'll get us into trouble — it's 
theft, or burglary, or something of that kind. 

Tom. Theft? No, sir. It says 'ere, "elegantly furnished 
apartments," sir. They warn't nothing of the kind — they're 
terrors. 

Alf. How do you know ? 

Tom. I see 'em through the winders, sir ; the furnishin's 
is vile. An' I says to myself, I'll take down this lyin', swin- 
dlin' sign, an' put it where it'll speak the truth, and nothin' 
but the truth — an' that's on this here house, sir. An' up 
she goes — an' I gits half ! {EXIT, door up r.) 

Alf. But I say — here, Tom ! He's certainly taking 
hold of the business with a vengeance. If he goes on like 
this, we'll end up with elegantly furnished apartments in the 
police station. 

ENTER Tom /// r. — breathless^ as from rushing 
up and' down stairs, etc. 

Tom (r.). It's up, sir — an' they's three parties as stands 
starin' at it a-ready, with their eyes as big as oyster-shells. 

Alf. (l. c). But first, as to the rooms. We'll have to 
settle how much we're going to ask. 

[Alfred goes to different doors, followed by Tom; 
first to L. 2 E., passing l. 3 E. to L. c. D., then 
crosses to r. ;^ e. and r. 2 E. 

Tom {inurmuring to himself^. An' I gits half ! 

Alf. It isn't arranged like an ordinary house for lodg- 
ings, is it ? 

Tom. No, sir, I can't say as it is. ( Very downcast^ 

Alf. All the better. 



Jill tbe €ottiforf$ of l)omc. 21 

Tom {suddenly revivijig spirits). Yes, sir. All the better. 
[Alfred bus. of a look at lti?n to catch this poitit. 

Alf. More homelike — 

Tom (eagerly). So it is ! 

Alf. {to c, back to audiejice, surveying the roovi). Lodgers 
will have the use of this big drawing-room, with the conser- 
vatory and large front windows commanding a view of the 
park. {Pohitiug to front for these things.) Nothing like it. 
All the comforts of home. I say, that's a good thing — don't 
forget it. Give it to 'em strong, Tom. 

Tom (r. c.) Yes, sir. Give 'em what, sir ? 

Alf. (l. c). That idea — it sounds well. All the com- 
forts of home. 

Tom. Quite right, sir. {Aside.) I'll go an' paint it on 
to the bottom of that there bill — " All the comforts of 
home." 

Alf. {going up and looking in door up l. c). Now, Tom, 
about prices. This room has an alcove adjoining. 

Tom (r. ^y Alfred, up stage). Yes, sir. 

Alf. Five pound, ten. 

Tom {j-epeating to himself joyfully). Fi pun, ten. 

Alf. (/// L. c. ; about to write it doivti i?i t>ook). I'll put it 
down. 

Tom (r. of Alfred. Sudden yell, and bus. of seizing 
Alfred's 7-ight arjn). No ! don't ye do it — oh, it's worth 
it — it's worth it ! 

Alf. Keep quiet. I'm only going to put it down in this 
book. 

Tom (sheepishly — after staring an i7istant). 0\\\ I thought 
ye was a-goin' to put the price down. 

[Alfred goes to door \\. T^,f>llo7c>ed ly Tom. 

Alf. Here are two very good rooms. 

Tom. Very good rooms, very go — 

[Alfred turns quickly. Tom stops suddenly. 

Alf. Three windows. 



22 M tbc Comforts of Dome. 

'1\)M. Tliree an' a 'alf, sir — you didn't count that there 
thing. i^PointtHg to transovi OTcr door.) 

\^J\JiADY knocks a7id fioise of fallhig furniture and 
throwing of beds. 
Alf. Tliat's nothing. 

Tom. Nothing ! It's worth ten bob extra at least, sir. 
Alf. What possible use is the thing "i 

[READY Smythe, to enter up r. 
Tom. Use, sir } Can't the parties as lodges there stand 
on a chair or table an' git a beautiful prospect of w'at's 
a-goin' on in this here drorin'-room ? 

Alf. Never thought of that. {Amused?) I'll slap on the 
ten bob, and call it seven guineas. 

Tom {bus. ; partly aside). An' I gits half, oh ! 
Alf. See here ! There are no beds in some of these 
rooms. 

Tom {as if to start). I'll git 'em, sir. 

Alf. Where ? 

Tom {on point of start iiig). Down the street. 

[Alfred makes a spring, and grabs Tom by collar. 
Tableau. 
Alf. (r. c). I say — this sort of thing won't do, you 
know. Bring some down from up-stairs. 

Tom (l. c). Yes, sir. {Bowids off up r., and up stair- 
way L.) 

Alf. We won't let the rooms up there until these are 
taken. Now, let me see — I must roost down here where I 
can keep an eye on the things. I'll take this room (r. 2 e.) 
— it's the smallest of the lot. 

Tom {calling fo7n above). Mr. Hastings ! W'ich o' these 
here beds '11 I fetch down? 

Alf. I'll go and look at them. {EXIT up r. afid L., and 

up the stairs?) 
[Timid knock several times. ENTER Victor 
Smvthe, door up R. He looks into room cau- 
tiously. 



jfiu the eomfom of l)ome. 2$ 

Smythe (near t/oor). At last — at last I am here — in 
the very house where she lives — under the same roof that 
shelters her! I can scarcely realize it! It {Jiami on heart, 
etc., as if its palpitation Juirt /ritfi), it is all like a — a dream — 
a dream ! 

\_Treviendous hang of falling furjiiture ovei'Jiead. 
Smythe jii77ips in ala?-jn, and scuds doimi r. 
Tom {up-stai?'s). Ge-whiffles ! 

Smythe. What was that ! (^HaJid on heart, etc.) Every 
noise alarms me, for she said I must be very cautious. She 
must have sent every one out of the way — no one even to 
answer the door. That was so thoughtful of her. Now, if I 
can only get her to consent, and to intercede for me with 
Emily, I shall be the happiest man in the whole universe. 
And — she has already promised it. I suppose I ought to let 
her know I am here — she — she must be about somewhere. 
{Goes up, and pai'tly off up r., looki?ig about.) Oh — my heart 
seems to almost — 

\_Two large feather beds a?id blankets fall on Smythe 
fro7n above, up r. Smythe screams out in alarfu 
as he falls half buried amofig them. Tom 7'ushes 
dow7i the stairs and falls to l. of Smythe ; faces 
Smythe just as he is rising fro7n a7nong the bed- 
ding, ready to throw bolster. 
Tom {risi7ig). That was odd, now, wasn't it .'' 
Smythe (7-isi7ig from tmder bed). Yes — it was a little 
odd. But no matter. 

Tom {gla7ici7ig critically at the bedding). No — there ain't 
no pertickler harm done, sir. 

Smythe. I knocked several times — but as no one an- 
swered, I just looked in. 

Tom. Quite right, sir. I'll attend to you in just a minute. 
(Rushes up R., a7id drags bedding down across stage toward door 
L. 2, upsetting chairs, tables, etc.) 

Smythe {folloicing). But I just wanted to see — {Steps 
071 bla7iket a/id is t7'ipped by it. Bus. with tables, etc.) 



24 Jill tbe eomforis of l)omc. 

Tom {i/rni:;i:;in^ //lings). You can see 'em in a minute, sir. 
We're just a-puttin' the beds in. {EXI7' l. 2.) 

[Smy'ihe watches Tom's bus. in astonishment. Hand 
to hi'art. Wipes hnnv, etc. 

S.MvrnK. This is one of the servants. What shall I say 
to him ? How — how can I be cautious ? And yet she said 
" be cautious, or you will spoil all." 

[Tom 7'Hns in at door l. 2. 

Tom. Now, sir — ha, ha ! {Bus.) I suppose you saw it ? 

Smythe (r. ; uncertainly). Oh, yes.; I — I saw it. 

Tom (l. ; to hiinself). He saw it ! He saw that there 
bill with "All the Comforts of Home " writ on it. That's 
w'at fetched 'im. 

Smythe. I beg your pardon — but I'm afraid I've made 
a mistake. 

Tom (quickly; alarmed). Oh, no, you hain't! 

[Smythe startled. Backs up toward door up r. 
Won't you look at the rooms .? {Invitingly^ 

Smythe {uncertaiyily). Wh — what rooms ? 

\_A bolster falls from above, up r. Smythe, startled 
still more, runs do7vn r. 

Tom {j'wis quickly tip^., and calls up stairway). Say, you 
don't want to heave down no more o' them fur a minute — 
I'm a-waitin' on a customer. 

Smythe (r. c. ; aside). A — customer! A cus — 

Tom (l. c. ; dow?i to Smythe quickly). Now, sir, just have 
a look at 'em. They're simply entrancin'. 

Smythe. I — I would like to speak to your employer, if 
you please. 

Tom (l. c). Sorry — but ye can't just now, unless you 
yell up them stairs. [^i^^Z>F Alfred, to enter up r. 

Smythe (r. c. ; cautiously; mysteriously). I alluded to the 
mistress of the house. 

Tom. Well, we ain't got as fur as that yet. But the 
lodgin's — 



BW tbe Comfom of l)ome. 25 

Smythe. How's that ! Surely, I have always seen your 
master in company with a lady. 

Tom. Quite likely, sir — an' so have I. But it don't fol- 
low as 'e's married to 'er, just from that. 
Smythe. Not married ? Not — 

Tom. No, sir — not by no means. But these here lodg- 
iii's is — 

Smythe. Great Heaven ! {Hand to broiv, etc.) Why, 
this — this is horrible — and I loved the daughter — I — 
Great Heaven ! Where would I have got to had you not 
opened my eyes ? Here ! {Gives Tom mo?iey.) Take this ! 
Let me go ! {Starts off door up R.) Let me go ! {EXIT., 

door up R.) 

\IiEAD Y knock r. u. d. Tom, ;// at d. r., stares after 

Smythe an instant. Glances at the money in his 

ha? id, then throivs the bolster off R. 3 E., a) id meets 

Alfred as he cojnes doivn fro7n above. 

Tom. That there individual ain't had enough sleep lately. 

ENTER Alfred, coming down stairway up r. 

Alf. (l. ; stopping ofi stairs as he descends). Well — have 

you captured a lodger t 

Tom (r.). The man was clean out of his head. 

[Alfred and Tom advance together, 
Alf. What did he do ? {Comes down and into 7-oo?n.) 
Tom. He inquired for the lady of the house. 
Alf. What ! [7?^^Z>F Dabney, to enter up r. 

Tom. Mebbe it was howin' to them beds fallin' on 'im. 
Alf. Great Heavens, Tom ! He has escaped us. 
Tom. Eh ? 
Alf. Victor Smythe. 
Tom. Ge-whiffles ! 

\_Both rush up into room up L. c. Throw up window 
and look out. 
Alf. {going up l.). And I promised to receive him ! 
Tom. I'll go and drag him back, sir ! {Starts r.) 



26 BW the eomfom of l>oinc. 

Alf. Here ! Stop ! Somebody's just going in at the 
door ! \_Both look around hack to R. as if at outside of house- 
door. 
Tom {/ookifig out). It's the same party, sir. He's comin' 
back for somethin'. 

Alf. He'll get it, too. {Cojuing doicm.) 
Tom {down ivith Alfred into roo?n). That's what he will, 
sir! 

Alf. {going r.). Quick ! Stand by the door here ! 
Tom. We won't make no mistake this time. 

[Alfred a?id Tom quickly stand each side of door up 
R., ready to potpice upon Smythe. Ktiocking on 
door up R., fro7n outside, several times. Alfred 
and Tom signal each other to be ready. 
ENTER Christopher Dabney, up r., quietly and 
carefilly. He tur?is to close door, so that his back is 
toward Alfred and Tom. Alfred and Tom sud- 
denly jump up07i hi?n ferociously. Both shout or 
exclaim- on cliinax. 
Alf. and Tom. Now we've got you ! Throttle him ! 
{Etc.) [Dabney gives cry of terror ; they drag him quickly 
down. 
Alf. Now, give it to him ! | (T o- tj \ 
Tom. Bang his nose for him ! j 

Tom {alo7ie ; seeing Dabney). Stop! [Both stop. 

This ain't him at all ! 

Alf. (l. c). Oh, the deuce ! 

[Dabney, c, gasps and gurgles, ove^rome with terror. 
Beg your pardon, sir — all a mistake ! 

T(JM (r. c). Yes — you're the wrong man! It warn't 
your fault, though ! 

Alf. (l. c). Very sorry it occurred. 
Dabney (c). Gi — gi — {motions). A chair ! 
Alf. and Tom. Yes, sir ! {They let go of Dabney. He 
sinks. They catch hi?n agai?i. Repeat bus. Tom manages to 



jflll m Comforts of Rome. 27 

^^/ iViair to hwi from behind table r. They seat him in it with 
so?ne difficulty, c. Bjts.) 

Dab. Oh — thank you ! {Sits c.) 

Tom (r. ; absent-miiidedly^. An' I gits half ! 

Alf. (l.). It was too bad ; by Jove, it was ! 

Dab. (c). Oh — never mind, sir ! I was taken some- 
what by surprise — you — the — oh ! The fact is, I am a 
very nervous man, {Shakes head sadly?) Dreadfully ner- 
vous. Sometime you shall know why — 

Alf. Yes — some other time. {To Tom.) A glass of 
water — quick ! 

Tom. Yes, sir. 

Dab. Sometime — (Tom brifigs glass of water from table 
up stage^ 

Alf. {taking it). Have a little water, sir! 

[Dabney wobbles nervously in chair. 

Tom. Have another chair ! 

Dab. Thanks — there on my temples. 

[Alfred wets Dabney's te?fij>les with the water. 

Tom {bus.). A little on the bald spot, sir ? {Rubs bald 
spot on Dabney's head, and about to pour water from pitcher 
on his head.) 

Dab. {bus). Don't ! don't ! don't ! {Bus.) 

[Tom stops, alarmed. 
For Heaven's sake, don't rub anything there — friction in 
that locality sets me all on edge ! 

Tom. Quite right, sir. {Goes up r. with the pitcher and 
tumbler, and returns to R. ^Dabney.) 

Dab. {to Alfred). I seem to feel better now. 

Alf. Very glad, I assure you. 

Dab. {looking at Alfred). 'Hem^ — yes — er. {Rises.) 
Good-morning ! 

[Tom piits back the chair to same place behind ta- 
ble, R. c. 

Alf. How d'ye do ? \^READY dogs and barking, l. h. 



2$ Jill il)c Comforts of l)omc« 

1)aI5. You have — lodgings to let here ? 

Alk. and Tom (Jo\;cther; Tom turning quickly to Dabney). 
Yes ! Yes, sir ! 

Alf. Charming lodgings. 

Tom. Can't be beat. 

Alk. {crosses in front of Dabney, ayui pnsJics Tom aside. 
Tom goes round on Dabney's l.). Will you look at them, 
sir } 

Tom. Yes — just take one look, that's all ! 

[Alfred motions Tom to he quiet. 
(l. ; aside.) An' I gits half ! 

Dab. (c). Yes — -I — give me your arm, please. I'm 
still a little — 

Alf. (r.). Certainly. 

Tom. Cer — 

\^Bus. of Alfred motioning Tom off. Dabney takes 
Alfred's arjn. They go l. Tom fotlo7vs eagerly. 

Dab. (sfoppiftg). I do hope it's quiet and tranquil here ? 

Alf. Perfectly quiet. 

Tom. Peaceful as the tomb, sir. 

Dab. Ugh! (GasJ> — drawing breath?) Don't speak of 
such things ! 

Tom (^quickly starti7tg^ as if to prevent another fit). No, 
sir ! No — I take it back, sir ! 

Dab. No — er — children, I hope? 

Alf. Not one. 

Dab. No dogs ? cats ? parrots } pugs ? puppies ? cana- 
ries, and such things ? 

Tom. Anythin' you want, sir, we'll have it cooked to 
order ! {Bus.) 

Alf. Nothing of the kind, sir ! {Pulling out paper.) You 
can see by the rules, sir, how it is. 'Hem. {Reads.) " First : 
rent payable strictly in advance. Second: children and dogs 
must keep off the grass. Third : anything ordered will be 
charged extra." 



Jin m Comforfs of Bomc. 2^ 

Dab. Ah — those are the rules ? Well, I hope they will 
be enforced about the dogs, anyway. 

[27i6y go L. Tom opens the door l. 2. 
Alf. Every time, sir ! 
Tom. If I once ketch a dog here, sir, I'll — 

[Dabney goes in/0 room l. 3. Bus. of poodles barkiiig 
and jumping at his shins — pushed or tossed from 
outside L. 3. Dabney yel/s and jumps about, and 
falls into chair holding feet in air. Tom and Al- 
fred shout, ajid bus. of catching poodles, etc. Keep 
on for laugh. Strike picture ; Tom holding dogs ; 
Alfred trying to soothe Dabney. 
Alf. {shouting to Tom). Take 'em up-stairs ! 
Tom. Quite right, sir ! {Rushes off up r., a7id up-stairs 
with poodles. ) 

Alf. {to Dabney). Don't be alarmed, I beg. 

Dab. {on ottoma7i). Er — er — I can't — bear a dog ! 

Alf. (l. of Dabney). Neither can I — they are the 
most repugnant creatures on the face of the earth to me. 
The question is, how the devil they came here. Are they 
yours .'' 

Dab. {rises to c). Mine ! Mercy, no ! 

ENTER Tom, /// r. 

Alf. (l.). Thank Heaven for that ! I cannot let lodo-- 
ings to people who keep dogs ! 

Tom (r.). No {shaking head), we can't let no one in 
these here lodgin's as keeps dogs ! 

Alf. No matter how respectable they otherwise appear. 
[Dabney looks helplessly from one to the other, shak- 
ing head to sig?iify his innocence. 
But, as you say they are not yours, suppose you just glance 
at this room — it's much pleasanter than the other. 

Tom. Yes. {They conduct Dabney doicn l. 2. 

Dab. {crosses to d. l. 2 e.). Very well, I will look. But 
— are you quite sure — 



50 Jill tDe Comforts of 1)omc. 

[ They come io door of room l. 2 , mid open it. Dab- 
NEY bus. of shrinking^ and lifti7ig feet, fearing more 
dogs. 
Alf. Oh — quite, sir ! Allow me to look in first — 
Tom. Allow me. {^Rushes in at l. 2, a?id out again.) 

[Alfred takes c. 
Not a vestige of one of 'em, sir — an' the ones as was in 
that there room, I dropped 'em ol^ o' the roof o' the house. 

Dab. {sits agaifi on ottoman; bus. ; face contortio?i), Er — 
oh — oh — don't — don't ! 

Tom {getting round behind ottoman to r. of Alfred). 
There he goes again, sir ! 

Alf. (c, r. of ottofnan). What seems to be wrong with 
you this time ? 

Dab. {on ottoma?i). Oh — er — the horrible — idea! 
Dropped off the roof ! {Covers face?) 

Tom. Alfred. Ottoman. Dabney. 
Tom {to Alfred). It seems to give 'im a fit, sir, which- 
ever way you put it. 

Dab. Is this the apartment? {Looks off l. 2, while seated 
on ottoman.) 

Alf. Yes — I'm sure it'll please you. 
Dab. Um ! Quiet, you say ? 

Tom. Well, I should say ! The back yard is cat proof, 
and we've had the pavin' stones padded, so's to keep 'em 
from echoin' when any one whispers. 

\_Both looking at him expectantly. 
Dab. What terms do you ask ? {On ottoman^ 
Tom {by chair l. of r. table ; quickly). Er — yes. What 
terms do we ask ? 

Alf. (c). With breakfast and attendance, six guineas. 
Tom (r. ; aside). An' I gits half ! {Rubs the plush of 
chair absent-fnijidedly L. of r. table. ) 

[Dabney, contortion office. Shrinking. Draws up 
one leg., etc. 



Jill tDc eomfom of l)ome. 3i 

Dab. (l., 071 ottoman; breaking out). Don't! don't! 
don't ! {Bus. of facial contortion.) 

Tom (r.). Look out ! He's goin' into another o' them 
spasms. 

Alf. (c.) The price is too high ? 

Dab. (l. ; motioning before he cafi speak). Eh ! Eh ! Eh ! 
For Heaven's sake, don't let him rub that plush — the sound 
drives me wild ! 

[Alfred motions Tom away. Tom retires up a little 
R. c. 
I'll take the lodgings. 

Tom (r. c; exultantly). Oh! 

Dab. (l.). a month in advance, I believe you said ? 
{Pays Alfred bills., etc.) 

[Tom looks o?if?'om up stage, ivith delight. 
I can move in at once, can't I 1 

Alf. Certainly.) nogether:) 

Tom. O yes ! ) 

Tom. Sooner, sir, if you like I {Looks at bills i?i Al- 
fred's hands. Rubs his hands together^ 

[Alfred suddenly clutches Tom. Both look at Dab- 
NEY, but he does not notice bus. 

Alf. {to Tom). If you don't keep away, you'll ruin the 
whole business ! 

Tom. Quite right, sir ! {Goes up r,, to stairs. Starts to 
bound up stairway, sttwibles, and falls on stairs, catching by 
baluster.) [Dabney and Alfred start in alarm. 

Dab. Oh ! 

Tom {quickly on his feet). An' I gits half I {EXIT up 
the stairs, l.) \_READY knock, r. 

Alf. Calm yourself, sir — he's gone. 

[READ y Langhorne, to enter up r. 

Dab. That person seems to affect my nerves painfully. I 
— I was born nervous, sir ; an inheritance from my mother. 
My father was a musician, and I was put through a course to 



32 Jill fbc eomforfs of l>omc. 

follow the same profession, and soon got an appointment to 
teach in a large conservatory. That was myruin. Imagine 
--imagine — if you can — with my nerves — thirty pianos, 
innumerable violins, several cornets, piccolos, and cellos, 
[Alfred s//s oh arm of chair, l. of r. table, disgusted. 
crowded together in a rather small building, until the air 
seemed to split and bellow and boil with a perfect frenzy of 
the discords of pandemonium. Then, sir, to put a finishing 
stroke, I was ambitious enough to write an opera — and it 
was accepted. I quarrelled with the conductor, the soloists, 
orchestra, chorus-singers, was insulted by the stage-manager, 
and finally hissed by the audience. (^Rises, and over to Al- 
fred. Buries face in hands. Last speech very fast. ^ 

[Alfred attempts to rise a?id get aivay. Dabney 
puts him back on arm of chair again. 
Young man, let me advise you, if you want some cheerful 
occupation for your leisure hours, forge, counterfeit, bur- 
glarize, kill, rob, blow up everything with dynamite, com- 
mit suicide ; but for Heaven's sake, don't write anything 
for the theatre ! 

[Dabney crosses in front ^Alfred to his r., and 
falls into armchair. Alfred rises frotn arm, and 
takes l. 
Alf. No — I've no intention of doing so. {Aside.) An 
interesting case, this is. I'll make my first attempt at prac- 
tice on him. 

\_Knock outside, r. Tom rushes do7vn-sfairs, and 
opens door up r. Dabney shrinks on hearing the 
rush. Alfred soothes him. 
Dab. (/// ar7nchair). Oh, dear ! What is that rushing and 
jumping about ? 

Alf. (c). Nothing, sir, I assure you. 

[Bus. of soothing, etc. 

ENTER JuDSON Langhorne, door up r. Veiy 

fnuch of a siccll ; carries a small cane ; red or tan 



n\\ fbe Comfom of l^otne. 5$ 

gloves ; dtidish manners^ with some inipei'tinence. 
Tom remai?is up l. 

Langhornf: {coming down i.. q,^, i\.w ! Mawning ! How 
de do ? Lodgings to let heah ? 

Alf. (r. c). Ah — yes. 

Lang. (l. c). Yaas. (^Tivirls his cane.) Ha, ha ! I read 
your bill — 

Alf. That's all right, sir — it was put there to read. 
"All the Comforts of Home." 

Lang. (l. c). Aw, yes — elegantly furnished lodgings — 
all the comforts of home. Nice ideah — really — ha, ha ! 

Alf. (c, to Tom, who is np l.). You attend to the gentle- 
man, Thomas. 

Tom. {(ioivn l. of Langhorne). Yes, sir. This way, sir ! 
The most excruciatingly elegant apartment as ever you seen 
in your life lays right here ! (Tom rushes Langhorne up 
L. c.) 

Lang. Aw, don't say ! Haw, haw ! 

Tom. Yes, I do say ! Haw, haw ! 

\_EXE UNT Tom and Langhorne, door up l. c. 

Dab. (seated in annchair, r.). I hardly like the way that 
young man flourishes about with his cane. (Shows nervous- 
ness.) 

Alf. Don't believe he'll continue it long, sir. It would 
exhaust him too much. 

Dab. Do you think so ? 

ENTER \^\iiGii<jKii¥., fo/lowed by Tom, /// l. 

Lang. (/// at d. l. c.) I rather like the box, deah boy, 
and I think I'll take it. 

Tom. Quite right, dear boy. (Goes quickly doivn l. of 
Alfred, who turns to him., so that Dabney will not hear.) 
He's took it, sir ! 

Alf. Here ■ — you attend to this one. See about his lug- 
gage. (Goes up to Langhorne.) 

Tom. Yes, sir. (Goes to Dabney. Coming suddenly 



14 nw the eomfcns or l)ome. 

<?/ /i/s L. sji/c% and speaking in his car.) Where shall I git 
it, sir ? 

Alfred. Langhorne. 
Tom. 
Taiji.e. Dabney. 

K. L. 

Dab. {start bus^. Ugh! {Contortion of feature bus.) Don't, 
don't — don't scream in my ear like that. 

Tom {crosses round behind tabh\ and gets down r. of 
Dabney ; to Dabney). I was a-askin' about your lug- 
gage, sir. 

Dab. ril give you directions, and you must be, oh, so 
careful ! (Dabney and Tom continue talking in pantomime 
across the table^ 

Tom. Table. Dabney. 
Lang, {coming down l. c, afid kneeling on one knee on otto- 
man^ L.). Judson Langhorne — yaas, deah boy ; ha, ha. ha ! 
I suppose I have the pleasure of addressing the — aw — 
lord of the — aw — castle. {Bus., whirl cane, etc.) 

[Dabney shrinks, atid dodges slightly. 
Alf. (c). To some extent, sir. I understand you have 
decided to take the apartment. 

Lang. Yaas — aw — vaas. I'll take it — and I want to 
go right in, if you don't mind. 

Alf. Go in just when you please, sir, and stay in as long 
as you please. We're free and easy here, 

Lang. Aw — free and easy — that suits me chawmingly, 
deah boy ! 

Langhorne. 
Tom. Table. Dabney. Alfred. Ottoman. 
R. l. 

IREADY noise l. h. 
Alf. But the lodgings, I regret to say, are not free — 

[Langhorne looks at Alfred. 
— although they inav be easy. 



nil tbe eomforts of fimt $5 

Lang, {laughing boisterously). No — of course not ! Haw, 
haw ! 

Alf. And our rule is a month in advance. 
Lang, {sudden drop). Aw — yaas. 
Alf. You grasp the idea, of course ? 
Lang. Yaas — I grasp — but — {bright idea). Aw — can 
you change me a fifty-pound note .? {Hand in pocket.) 
Alf. Oh, yes. 

Lang, {stops, paralyzed). You can ! 

Alf. Certainly — send out, and have the change for you 
in two minutes. 

Lang. Aw ! {Much relieved.) Aw, no ! Couldn't think 
of troubling you so much, deah boy. No hurry at all. {Goes 
up to door L. c.) I'll remain right here ; and when you have 
the change handy, let me know. {EXIT i/ito roojn up l. c, 
a fid closes doors. ) 

Alf. Another one ! By Jove, the business is flourishing ! 
[Dabney bus. of gymnastic exercises in explaining 
things to ToiSL Tom imitating him, as if trying to 
get the idea. 
AMiat the deuce is he up to now ? 

Dab. Now, don't forget the soda-powders, dumb-bells, 
rowing-machine, and sponges. 
Tom. Quite right, sir. 

[Langhorne sings a scale unsuccessfully outside, up 
L., /;/ loud voice. All listen. 
Dab. {rises ; starts with shriek). Ah — stop it ! Stop it ! 
I can't stand it ! {Bus. of dancing about, but must not overdo 
it.) 

Alf. Oh, the devil ! {Goes up to Langhorne's door.) 
Tom. Ge-whiffles! 

[Dabney sits again. Langhorne begins to sing, 
"Down in a Coal Mine.'' 
Dab. Horrors ! What's that he's singing ? 
Tom (/// to Alfred). " Down in a Coal Mine." 

[D.\i!\y.v sto/'s his cars. 



H BW tbc Comforts of l)ome. 

Alf. Hang tlic coal mine ! Go and tell him there's a 
strike. Stop his howling, someway. 

Tom. Yes, sir. I'd do anything in the world for you, sir. 
(Tom ^''ocs ///>, ij?id EXIT up l. c, c/osing door. Bus. of sing- 
ing as he goes. Sudden bus. of stop, r., off. Singing stops.) 

Dah. Has — has he stopped .'' {Fijigers out of ears cau- 
tiously.) 

Alf. Yes, sir ; it's all right now. 

\^Noise of hanging furniture outside^ up L. Alfred 

and Dabney start and turn. 
EASTER Tom, up l. c, 7vitJi bloody fare, limpiiig., 
etc. 

Tom (down l. c. ; after the laugh). Oh, I'd do anything in 
the world for you, sir ! 

Alf. (c). What did the fellow do ? 

To.^L Ge-whiffles ! Can't ye see ? 

Alf. (starting toward up l.). Let me have a word with 
him. 

Tom (stopping Alfred). No, sir ! Don't ye do it ! I've 
just had a word with 'im — an' it ain't encouragin'. (Tom 
wipes blood fro?n face. He must not fail to remove it.) 

Dab. The fellow is terrible ! I shall not stay. (Starts to 
go up c.) 

[Alfred an<l Tom both doivn, remonstrating with Dab- 
ney. lliey bring him do7vn. 

Alf. (l.). But, my dear sir — 

Tom (r.). We'll fix 'im for ye. \^RE AD Y knock r. 

Dab. (c). But his singing — (Contortion of horror^ 

Alf. Stop a moment ! An uncle of mine, who also is 
nervous, had a new thing the other day — an audiphone — 
jj.ist what you want. You put it in your ears, and you can't 
hear a sound ! (Looks about on table., etc.) 

Tom. Yes, sir ; you couldn't hear the last trump ef it was 
ter be played ! 

Alf. Here it is. (Finds a box on desk, l. Opens. Hands 



Jill m Comforts of 1)omc. 37 

Dabney ^wo small articles for the ears?) There, sir, try it — 
wonderful ! 

Tom (r.). Wonderful ! 

SPREAD V FiFi and Maid, /o enter up r. 
Dab. (c). Dear me, I'm so nervous ! Is this the way ? 

[Alfred l., Tom r. 
Alf. ajid Tom. Yes ! Yes ! 

[Dabney ////i" audipJiones iti his ears^ and looks about. 
Alf. (l.). How do you like it 1 

[Dabney looks at Alfred a?id Tom, unconscious of 
kavifig beefi addressed. 
Tom (r.). He says, how do you like it ? 
Dab. (c). Eh? [Alfred l., Tom r. 

Alf. afid Tom (together). How do you like it ? 
Dab. (looks front, delighted). Ha, ha, ha ! I cannot hear 
a sound ! 

Tom. You're a broken-do\vn old jackass. 
Dab. (Joyfully)' Thanks — a thousand thanks ! Perfectly 
splendid ! (Goes l.) I won't go. I'll stay. (Crosses to 
L. 2 e.) Ha, ha, ha ! (EXIT, l. 2 e.) 
Alf. By Jove, that was a lucky thought ! 
Tom. Yes, sir ; but we'll want a lot of 'em if that there 
feller's goin' to keep up his singin' " Down in the Coal Mine." 

\_Knock outside, up r. 
Alf. The door, Tom. 

Tom. Yes, sir. (Bounds up r., and opens door.) 
Alf. I wonder what kind of a creature we'll get now ! 

ENTER FiFi Oritanski /// r., followed by her 
maid, and ushered in ivith great cerejnony by Tom, 
who backs down fiear Alfred, and stands admiring 
her. FiFi is dressed I'ery stylishly, but is not over 
dressed, and has the manner of a lady who knoivs 
the world pretty well. Bus. ^y Alfred bowing, etc. 
•Tom also boiving in sympathy with Alfred, with- 
out knoivinz it. 



3$ Jill tbc eomfom of l>omc. 

FiFi (k. c). Vou have apartments — furnished — 1 be- 
lieve ? 

Alf. (l. c). Yes, madam. {AsUe.) By Jove, she's 
pretty ! 

'J'< ).M (i,., asi(ff). Yes, by Jove, she's pretty — ha, ha ! 
Maid. 

FiFi. Alfred. Tom. 

Alf. {to Tom). Shut up ! 

Tom (s/ar/s). I said she was — 

\Threatenmg sign from Alfred. 
Quite right, sir. (Tom goes up stage rather dejectedly^ and 
Ii?tgerSj watching. To himself absent-mindedly.) An' I gits 
half! 

FiFi (c). I am looking for a pretty front room, and a 
smaller one adjoining for my maid. 

Alf. {goes to door l. 3, a7id opens it). Oh, yes, with maid 
adjoining. Do you think this would suit you at all .? 

[FiFi crosses to l., and looks offi.. 3. 

Fifi. Oh, charming! Why, it's the cosiest place I've 
seen anywhere. 

Tom (r. of Alfred ; unable to repress himself ; stepping for- 
ward). Right you are, miss — it's a — 

Alf. (l.^ Tom; quickly, to Tom). Sh ! — {Bus.) 

[Tom starts, and retires silenced. 

Alf. Sh ! — 

Tom {aside ; sotto voce). Oh, I'd do anything in the world 
for you, sir ! [Fifi has turned, surprised. 

Alf. Don't be alarmed, miss! He's harmless. 

[Tom gives Alfred a look. Turns and goes up r. 

Fifi (l., coming dow7i). The apartment is lovely. But 
this room — whose is this } 

Alf. {do7vn c). This is a drawing-room which is for the 
use of all. We thought it would be a pleasant innovation. 

Tom (/// R.). All the comforts o' — 

\Bus. Alfred stops Tom. 



B\\ tbc Comforts of l)omc. 39 

FiFi (l.). Oh, what a charming idea ! But I'm afraid 
such apartments will be far too expensive for me. 

Alf. (c). 'Hem ! [Tom i-omes dowji a little^ listening. 

Oh, no — only — six guineas. 

FiFi. Oh ! 

Alf. Er — five pounds. 

Tom {doivn to Alfred, r., quickly). No, sir ! No, sir ! 
It was six quid, sir. Six quid ! {Bus. Alarmed^ 

Alf. (c, shaking Tom off). Hold your tongue ! 

Tom (r. c, aside ; sotto voce ; sadly). An' I gits half I 

FiFi (l.). My, that isn't high at all ! 

Tom (aside). No, it ain't ! 

FiFL I will take the rooms, if you please. 

Alf. (J)owi?ig). Delighted, I assure you. 

FiFL There's my card. (Takes out pretty case. Hands 
Alfred card. Turns and looks offi.. again.) 

Alf. Ah ! Thank you. {Absently fondles card to breast.) 
I — I — 'hem — 

FiFi (turnifig). Well ? 

Alf. Yes — that is — I hope you will like it here. 

FiFi (graciously). Ah — how could I help it — such a 
sweet place — and such a charming landlord ! 

Alf. and Tom (together) . Ah ! 

Tom (aside, exultantly). An' I gits half ! 

FiFi (to maid). Gretchen, have my things brought over 
here. SPREAD Y kfiock r. 

Gretchen (iip r.). Yes'm. (EXIT, r. u. d.) 

[READ V Bender, Josephine, and Evangeline, 
to enter up R. 

FiFi. I suppose I can move ri^it in ? 

Alf. and Tom (together). Oh, yes ! 

FiFi. You see, if I went, you might forget and rent the 
rooms to somebody else. {Laughs, and EXIT at l. 3.) 

[Alfred l. c, Tom r. c. 

Alf. ^;/^Tom (eagerly). Oh, no ! (Alfrkd and Tom rc- 
coi'cr, and look at each otlirr.) 



40 Jill the eomfom of 1>omc. 

Alf. {I>reakitig and civ/ii/i^ fonvani a little^ L.). By Jove, 
she's a beauty ! Such an air of aristocracy ! Wonder what 
her name — oh ! {^Looks at can/.) " Fifi Oritanski ! " 
Charming name ! 

Tom (r.). Ain't it divine ! 

Alf. An angel — such grace — and her eyes — did you 
notice her eyes, Tom ? 

Tom. I noticed one on 'em, sir. 

Alf. (l. c). One of them ! What do you mean ? 

Tom (r. c). It was all as I had a call on — seein as I 
gits half. 

Alf. Oh — ha, ha — I forgot that ! And, by the way 
{fakes Old bills and offers Tom part of the?n), here's your share 
of what I got from the old duffer in there. 

Tom {stoutly). No, sir ! 

Alf. It's your share, I say. 

T().\L No, sir ! {S/iakes head.) I wouldn't take it on no 
account. It ain't the money I cares for — it's only the bare 
idea of gittin' half. No, sir ! 

Alf. Oh, well, I'll settle with you some other time. 
Come, we must finish up-stairs. (Alfred and Tom start 
up R., quickly.) We may let apartments up there yet. 

[^EXEUA'T AhYKET) and Tom up-stairs^ up r. 

Tom {as they go). Quite right, sir ! 

[^Pause. Kfiock on door up r. several times. 
ENTER, door up r., Theodore Bender, Josephine 
Bender, and Evangeline Bender. They look 
about for so??ie one as they C07ne in. 

Bender. This is the place, I suppose. 

Josephine. Why didn't you ring the bell ? 

Bend. I couldn't find any bell. 

Evangeline {ti?nidly). Papa, wasn't the bill on the house 
next to this .'' \_7'hey come dowti into ?'Oo?n. 

Bend. No, no ! 

Jos. {coming doivn r. ; sinking into chair r. of r. 



Jill tbe eomforfs of fimt 41 

table). Theodore, it's outrageous ! I cannot walk an- 
other step. [i^^^Z^KDABNEY, to cuter l. 2 E. 

Bend, {coming down c). Whose fault is it, I'd like to 
know ? You are never suited. I have said from the first 
we ought to have spent our few weeks in town at a hotel. 
There is one at the next corner. {Sits l. of ^. table?) 

[Evangeline surveying the room c, deimirely. 

Jos. That will do, Theodore. I know perfectly well why 
you prefer a hotel. [Evangeline sits hack of table. 

I've noticed how you — Evangeline, you needn't cock up 
your ears when your father and mother are discussing family 
affairs. [Evangeline rises and examines pictures which hang 

on wall at r. 
I've noticed that you were much more interested in the 
attractiveness of the waiting-maids than in the comfort of 
the room. 

Bend. Oh, Josephine, my dear ! 

Jos. In addition to that, the expenses are simply scan- 
dalous. 

Bend. Well, well, we need not mind a few pounds more 
or less. We've feathered our nest pretty well. 

Jos. Yes ; because I keep my thumb on your hardly earned 
shillings — and I intend to do so still. 

Bend, (sighs). I know it. 

Jos. Is there a living soul in this house .? 

Bend, (rises and crosses to l.). Ah, here's some one at last ! 
ENl'ER 'Dab^f.y from his room at \., 2. Goes up 
c, delighted^ not observing the Benders, and doiun 
to c. 

Dab. (c, 7c>alhifig up and doivn iji great glee). An excel- 
lent invention ! I can hear absolutely nothing ! (Comes c.) 

Jos. (r. c. ; meeting Dabney, c). Sir, we have come to 
look at the — 

[Dabney stops and looks at her. READ Y Tom and 
Alfred, to enter up r. 



42 Jill the eomfcm of f)cme. 

1Jkm>. (I.., ii'tnifi'^ on i.. of Dahnkv). We want to bcc the 
apartment, sir. [Dabney looks blank, c. 

Jos. (k. c). Why, he must be hard of hearing ! 

[Bendkr l., Josephine r. c, Evangeline r. 

T.I {together; coining dose to Dabney ; loud voice). 

' ' j We want to look at the rooms. 

Evan, j 

Dab. (c). Did somebody make a remark ? 

Evangeline. Josephine. Dabney. Bender. 

R. L. 

\^READY Langhorne and Fifi to sing outside l. 
Cello crash l. 2 e. 
Jos. (^gesturing, etc.). Rooms ! Rooms ! Rooms ! (Etc.) 
[Bender Joins in the effort. Motions Evangeline. 
She joifis also in a sweet, high key. 
Evangeline r. Josephine r. c. Bender l. 
Jos. 
Bend. 
Evan. 

Dab. (c. ; after looki?ig at them an instant). Delightful ! 
Heavenly ! Ha, ha ! {Da?ices a little^ 

[Josephine, Evangeline, and Bender move away 
each side, alarmed. 
Evan. Mamma, what's the matter with him ? 
Jos. He's crazy — don't go near him, child. Come ! 
Come ! [Josephine and Evangeline ijiove up stage in alarm. 
ENTER Tom and Alfred, rushing down-stairs, 
up r. 
Alf. For Heaven's sake, get him away ; he'll ruin the 
whole business ! 

Tom. Quite right, sir ! (Tom darts across to L., atid hustles 
Dabney off into his room at l. 2, going in with him.) 

[Alfred down, and bowing, etc., to the Bender _/}??;/- 
//)', as if fiothing were 7i>ro?ig. 
Alf. (c). It was all a mistake, madam, I assure you. 



(together). Rooms! Rooms! Rooms! (They 
stop, out of breath.) 



Jill m Comfom of Rome. 43 

I am the proprietor of the house. SPREAD Y crash off 

L. 2 E. 

Evangeline r. Josephine r. c. Bender l. c. 

Jos. 1 

Evan. \ {together). Oh ! 
Bend. J 

\READ V Tom aud Dabney, to enter l. 2 e. 
Alf. (c). That was merely a nervous gentleman who is 
quite deaf. 

Bend. Yes — we noticed it. 
Alf. (aside). By Jove ! What a lovely girl ! 
Jos. Hum ! We came to look at the lodgings, sir, which 
you advertise. 

Alf. Ah ! Yes .? (Expecta/it/y.) 

Jos. But I'm afraid you haven't very quiet people here. 
Alf. Let me assure you, madam, they are so quiet that 
it is like a Sunday-school. 

[JuDSON Langhorne suddenly shigs outside, up l. c., 
" Home, Sweet Home," /'// loud voice. All start. 
Jos. Mercy ! What is that dreadful noise 1 
Alf. (aside). Confound the fellow — he will make a beg- 
gar of me ! 

[FiFi suddenly stasis in, outside l. 3, practisiiig the 

scales. 
MUSIC. — Lively music pp. ; cojitinue to the end of 
Act, growing louder for bus. 7iear end. 
Bend, (pricking up his ears). Ah ! A woman's voice ! 
(Starts t07vard L. 3.) 
Jos. Theodore ! 

[Bender stops suddenly. Noise of Imnging and 
crashing outside i„ 2 E. All start, and look about 
alarmed. 

ENTER Tom, rushing o?i from l. 2. 
Tom {calls). Help! Help! 

\^Outside L. 2, just before his 01 trance. 



44 



jFlil tbc Comforts of 1>omc. 



Help ! Oh, Mr. Hastings ! The man in there has got them 

audiphones down in his ears, an' he can't git 'em put ! He's 

smashin' everythin' to smithereens ! \I{EADY curtain. 

Note. — Keep music and all noises down, so that this speech 

will not fail to be heard, as it is very i??iportant. Noise of 

ban^ingfurniture and crashing glass outside L. 2. All start, 

alarmed. Bus. 

ENl'ER Dabney, rushing on l. 2, /;/ agony, dancing 
about, overturning furniture, aJid calling for help at 
the top of his voice. Josephine and Evangeline 
screa?n, afid run hither and thither to r. of r. table. 
Bender dodges, alarnied, also calling out. Tom 
afid Alfred hold Dabney by his coat, but the gar- 
ment is torn and ripped. 
Dab. Help ! Pull 'em out ! Help ! It'll be the death 

of me ! {^RING curtain. 

Evangeline. Table. Bender Alfred Dabney Tom 

Josephine. 



itt chair, holding Dnhtey^s ktteeling, 
coat-tail. back to 

audience. 



CURTAIN. 



on ottoman, 

holding the 

other tail oj 

Dabney^s 

coat. 



Jill the Comforts of l)omc. 45 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — Same as Act /. Some smaiC changes should be 
made in position of fitrniture, etc., merely as if a few 
days had passed, and the house had been used. READ Y 
Langhorne and Tom to enter np r. 

MUSIC. — Lively comedy music to take curtain up. 
Stop on entrance ^Langhorne. 

ENTER JuDSON Langhorne, door up ^.,from out- 
side, in haste, as if he had been pursued by some one. 
He closes door 7vith bang, and stands a moment, 
breathi?ig hard. Soon he strolls dow?i i?ito roojn, 
recovering himself 
Langhorne. What a dooce of a chase the fellow gave me ! 
( Wipes brow carefully. 7wirls mustache.) Upon my soul, 
I had no ideah my tailor could run so. He ought to enter 
for one of the — aw — what do you call — it's at the Agri- 
cultural Hall. Lucky thing I threw him off the scent ; for 
if he found out I'm heah — dooce take it — I'd have to 
move again. 

EA'TER Tom, door up r., 7vith tray of breakfast 
things. 
Look heah ! 

Tom {ivho ivas crossitig with tray, stops suddenly). Same to 
you, sir. 

Lang. (l. c). In case any one should honor me with a 
call during the course of the next few days — I 'm — aw — 
not at home. {Tu7-ns, and goes up to his door.) 

\_READV bells up r. and l. 2 E., and also the 
Voice. 



46 BW the eotnfom of l)ome. 

(Tur?iin^.) You'd better remember it too, or I'll cut off your 
ears. 

Tom (r.). Quite right, sir ; and when you undertake it, 
you'll find as the ears has got somethin' to say on the 
subject. [/i^^Z>l' Alfred, to e7itfr'R. 2 e. 

Lang, {bullying). What — you dare to — {as if io strike 
with cane), [Tom threateningly draws back the breakfast-tray. 

Tom (r.). Look out, or you'll git a dose of coffee an' 
eggs what'll refresh ye wonderful ! You took me by sur- 
prise the other day, when ye flung that there furnitoor 
about ; but ye better lay low now, ef ye know what's gpod 
for ye. 

Lang. (l.). Such — aw — impertinence — from a servant ! 

Tom (r.). rd respectfully inform you as I ain't no ser- 
vant. No, sir ! {Swelling nj> with digfiity.) I'm in on it. 

Lang. In on it .'' 

Tom {turning grandly). Yes — in on it. {Proudly.) I 
gits 'alf. \EXIT Langhorne into his room up l. c. Bell 

rings violently in Dabney's room, outside l. 2. 
(Tom suddenly drops from his grand marmer.) Comin', sir — 
com in I {Starts down towards l. 2.) 

\_Bell rings from upstairs, tip r. 
(Tom stops — starts up r.) There goes that up-stairs lodger, 
as always wants to know what time it is. {Calls 2ip-stairs?) 
\Vell, sir ! 

Voice {above, up r.). Won't somebody tell me what time 
it is .^ S^Bell rings violently in Dabney's room, l. 2. 

Tom {starts doivn l. 2). It's a quarter before — (Breaks 
and starts l.) Comin', sir — comin' ! 

\Bell up-stairs, as before. 

Voice {above). I say, can't somebody tell me what time 
it is 1 

Tom. Be there in a minit, sir. {Starts to d. i.. 2.) 

Voice. Twenty minutes to what ? 

ENTER \\AKV.v>,from door r. 2. 



Jill iDc €omfom of l)ome. 47 

Alf. Tom, hold on ! (To c.) 

\_jREAjD y bell again up r. a?id L. 2. Tom stoJ>s 
and meets Alferd near c. 
Has she been out ? [Tom looks bhvikly at Alfred. 

(Alfred ^''/<7//<r<5'i" R.) Have you — have you seen her this 
morning ? 

Tom (l. c). No, sir, I ain't. Who did you mean ? 

Alf. (r. c). Why — the little — er {motions r.) — that is 
— Miss Bender. 

Tom. Oh, yes, sir ; I seen her. 

Alf. {eagerly). Yes ; did she — did she leave any word — 
any — 

Tom. Oh, yes ; I'd almost forgot — I — 

\_Bell rings violefitly in Dabney's room, outside l. 2. 
Oh, Lord ! Yes, sir ! Coming ! (Tom starts l. 2.) 

Alf. But wait — I want to know — wait ! 

[Tom stops. Bell rings upstairs, up r. 

Voice {outside, up r., above). Is anybody going to tell me 
what time it is, or not .'' 

[Tom starts up a little. Bell rings violently in Dab- 
ney's room, l. 2. J^EADY bell again, l. 

Tom. Ge-Whiffles ! Could you just tell that up-stairs 
man the time .'* If I don't give the musical galoot this here 
breakfast, he'll have one of them terrible spasms. (Tom 
rushes oj^ at L. 2, with tray.) 

Alf. (c. going up). Confound the iip-stairs man ! He's 
the worst nuisance in the lot. {Calls up-stairs, up r.) Did 
anybody speak up there ? 

Voice {up-stairs). Yes, I spoke — Struthers. 

Alf. Ah, I thought I heard your voice, Mr. Struthers. 
Did you want anything .'' * 

Voice {up-stairs). Want anything .^ My soul ! I've been 
asking what time it is, at the top of my voice, for the past 
fifteen minutes. I want to set my watcii. 

Alf, Sorry you had so much trouble. It is now be- 



4$ 



Jill the eottifom of l)omc. 



twccn a quarter-past ten and twenty minutes before two. 
(ALrKKi) lomes/oruuini with an air of iriump/i.) 

\o\cv. {iip-siairs^ very disiitictly). Thanks. I was five 
minutes slow. 

Ai.F. {iiside). Well, by Jove ! {Cimics down^ looking lojig- 
ingly at door r. 3.) It's useless. I can't do anything but 
watch for her — and think of her — and dream of her. The 
sweet little witch, with her roguish eyes ! How shy she was 
at first; but when her charming timidity wore away — when 
she grew to have confidence in me — (^An ccstactic look; he 
sinks on chair. Sighs. Sndden/y looks ///.) Great Heavens ! 
What have I been thinking of all this time ! (Ibises.) Oh, 
this is outrageous ! I didn't suppose the little darling would 
take everything I said in earnest, until I found I was tak- 
ing it in earnest myself. I must pull up, confound me ! I 
nmst let her know in some way of my engagement to Emily. 

ENTER Tom l. 2., hurrying on. 

Tom (c). Say, since you've been a doctorin' that cove in 
there, he's took on most singular. 

Alf. (r., seated). I'll look in on him again, by and by. 

Tom. Ef I was you, I wouldn't. Every time you look in 
he takes on worse. \_Be/l rings in Dabney's room, l. 2. 

Yes, sir ! Coming ! (Tom starts l.) He'll git that bell wore 
out ef he goes on like this. (S/o/>s suddenly.') Ge-Whiffles ! 
{Takes out note from pocket^ I'd nearly forgot it again, sir. 
She told me to give it into your own hands, and I — 

\READ Y Bender, to enter r. 3 e. 

Alf. (yi., snatches ?iote^. What! {Opens eager/y.) 

Tom {aside). There's one thing sure, an' that is that he's 
took clean off his feet. 

[^Beil rings in Dabney's room, outside l. 2. 
Coming, sir — coming ! {Exit l.) 

Alf. {absorbed in note — reads'^. ''Dear Mr. Hastings: 
Mamma and papa are going out this morning, but I have such 
a dreadful headache that I cannot go with them. I hope you 



Jill tbe Comfom of 1)onic. 49 

will not be alarmed about the headache, as it is one of the 
kind that comes on when I would rather have a call from 
some one I know than go to the Park." (Alfred laughs ec- 
statically^ and kisses the note?) " I have so much to tell you, 
and I hope you will be glad to see me. Your own Evange- 
line." (Alfred looks up ecstatically^ " Your own Evange- 
line ! " {Kisses ?iote again. Sudden revulsion. Starts to his 
feet.) By Jove ! Gone as far as this already ! ( Walks 
about.) Oh, see here, my boy, this sort of thing won't do ! 
It won't do at all. {Rises and crosses to D. up L.) 

ENTER Bender r. 3, carrying pipe and bag of to- 
bacco, etc. He looks at Alfred a moment, holding 
door open behind him. 

Josephine {speaks outside r. 3). Now, remember what 
I say ! 

Bender {speaking back through r. 3). Yes, my love. 
{Closes door quickly, with muttered blasphe77iy. Turns.) 

[Alfred and Bender facing each other. 
Young man, I am about to give you a piece of advice. 

Alf. (l. c. ; s?niles). Kind, I'm sure ! 

Bend. (r. c). Before you marry, ask your intended her 
opinion of the fragrant weed. She will tell you at that time 
that she adores it. Proceed at once to write this statement 
down in black and white, and make her sign it. 

Alf. {laughing). Is that a necessary formality 

Bend. It'll save you many unhappy hours. {Glances 
nervously, r.) You may now witness the result of my fail- 
ure to procure such a document. {Holds up pipe, etc.) I 
am driven from home. Dressing gown and slippers must 
be abandoned in order to find a place outside for a soothing 
whiff. 

Alf. Not outside. Right here, Mr. Bender. 

Bend, {pleased). You allow it ? 

Alf. Certainly. " All the Comforts of Home," you 
know. 



so Jill tbe eomforis of l)ome. 

Bend. Yes; but that isn't a comfort (bits.) — of home 
{btts^ — according to my experience — ha, ha! (Bender 
lights pipe with great satisfaction. Chuckles. Bus. S?nokes.) 
I'd like to compliment you, Mr. Hastings. 

Al?\ How so? 

Bend. You've got a way with you, sir, that affects my 
wife in a most extraordinary manner. {Ftiffl?ig.) 

Alf. You surprise me ! 

Bend. Really ! Makes her almost amiable. (Bender 
starts suddcfi/y, and looks at door k. 3.) 

IRE AD j; bell up r. 

Alf. {laughing). Oh, Tm sure she is always that. 

Bend, {ilryly). Are you ? {Fiiffs.) 

Jos. {opening door., r. 3). Theodore ! 

Bend. Yes, my angel ! What did you wish ? 

Jos. Oh, I only want to keep track of you, that's all. 
{Closes door., r. 3.) 

[Bender viotionless. Face ifnpassive. Exchanges a 
glance with Alfred. Alfred amused. READ Y 
Tom to efiter, l. 2 e. 

Bend, {after above bus.). That's all. Possibly you think 
it's a pleasure to be under police supervision. 

Alf. {laughingly). But I'm afraid you give Mrs. Bender 
some reason for this distrust. 

[Bender pleased. Takes pipe out of mouth. Eyes 
twinkle. He glances around. 

Bend. Well, I must confess that I have always been — 
'hem — an admirer — a devoted admirer — of the fair sex. 
{Rises and walks nearer to Alfred.) And I cannot say 
entirely without success. Ha, ha, ha ! {Laughs^ and digs 
Alfred in the ribs.) \^Both laugh. 

Alf. Ha, ha ! I begin to see. 

Bend. Of course in our little town there isn't much 
latitude. 

Alf. No ; rather limited, I suppose. 



JM\ m Comforfs of Rome. 5i 

Bend. Yes, decidedly. (G/ances r.) Decidedly limited. 
But here in London I did hope to have a little romance or 

two. 

Alf. And Mrs. B., I presume, is keeping the latitude 

down pretty low here ? 

Bend. Down to nothing, sir. \ENTER Tom, l. 2. 

Tom {crossing up to r.). Now he's a-callin' fur camomile 
tea and a bottle of chloroform. {Just going out, up R.) 

\_Bell rifigs up-stairs, up R. 
{From door. Shouting upstairs:) Quarter-past eleving ! 
(Tom rushes off door up r.) 

Bend. (r. c). I say, what female voice did I hear a 
short time ago ? 

Alf. (l. c). Oh, that was Miss Oritanski. 

SPREAD Y FiFi to enter, L. 3 e. 

Bend. Ah— er ! Miss Oritanski lives in the house, then ? 

Alf. Oh, yes ; her apartments are there — opposite yours. 
{Amused at Bender's eager interest) 

Bend. Indeed ! Such charming neighbors — and I didn't 
know it ! I — ha, ha ! {Looks longingly at L. 3.) 

Jos. {coming to door r. 3). Theodore, are you there ? 

Bend, {starts visibly). Eh — oh — yes, yes; I'm here! 
{Grifids his teeth and mutters) 

[Josephine closes door, r. 3 e. ENTER Tom, door up r. 

Tom {to c). Doctor, that there nervous galoot ordered 
a drink o' chloroform, an' them drug-shop chaps won't let 
me have it unless I gits an order. 

Alf. (l. c). I'll go and write you a prescription — one 
that '11 make him sleep for a month. 

To^L Yes, sir. Wish you would, sir. 

Alf. Make yourself perfectly comfortable, Mr. Bender. 
{Crosses to R. 2 E. EXITtl. 2 e., followed by Tom.) 

Bend, {following a Utile way up r.). Thanks, my boy, 
I'm perfectly comfortable {turning front), so long as Mrs. 
Bonder doesn't come out. U^^^or l. 3 opens. 



52 Jill iDe £omforr$ of f)cme. 

Ah, 1 really believe — Miss Oritanski is — ha, ha ! {Glances 
nenwisly r. 3, etc.) ENTER Fifi, l. 3. 

Upon my soul, she's pretty as a picture ! {Chuckles. De- 
lighted and anxious bus.) 

Fifi {down l. ; aside). Dear me, what can 1 do ? My 
dressmaker will not send the other costume unless I pay her 
bill to-day, and the management has refused to advance 
me another penny. {Sits in front ^ and on ottoman l. c.) 

Bend, (aside). Wonder if I could venture to address her? 
(Glances around toiemrd his 7('i/'e's door, r. 3.) I'll chance it, 
anyhow. (Takes a hasty survey of himself in a large mirror 
up R. Bus. of arrangifig tie or so^nething. He comes dowti^ 
with a slight embarrass??ient, and a trifle of anxiety as to door 
R. 3.) Ah — ha — ha — Miss Oritanski, I believe ! 

[Fifi looks quickly around at Bender. 
I hope you won't take offence at my seeming presumption, 
but as I'm to some extent a neighbor of yours, I thought 
you might allow me to introduce myself. 

Fifi (l. c). Certainly — what name ? 

Bend. (r.). E — Bender — Theodore — Theodore Ben- 
der. And entirely and most devotedly at your service. 

Fifi (politely, but with a slight frigidity). Very much 
pleased, I'm sure. 

Bend, (approaching her ; gives a glance toward door, r. 3.). 
I — 'hem — I am a retired — e — business man — from one 
of the provincial towns, and am spending a few weeks in 
London for pleasure, and — e — recreation — recreation. 
(Smiles, etc. Bus. of glancing at door, r. 3.) 

Fifi (aside ; the dawn of a sudden idea shown by her eyes). 
Retired ! Then he's rich. {Rises to l., afid bows. Aloud ^ 
You cannot imagine how pleased I am at having such an 
agreeable neighbor. (Sits again.) 

Bend, (aside ; chuckles). She likes me ! (Bender lingers 
7iear r., occasionally looking nervously at his 7vife^s door.) 

[Fifi 71 ear l. 
Are you here — for — e — recreation ? 



Jin tDe eomforfs of l)otne. 53 

FiFi. Oh, dear, no ! I'm not so fortunate as that. I 
have an engagement. 

Bend. (c. ; not luiderstanding). Oh — engagement .? 

FiFi (yOJi otto7naji). Yes. I am singing at the Opera 
Comique. 

Bend. Opera Comique ! [Fifi nods demu7-ely. 
{Aside.) An actress ! {Chuckles.) The dream of my life 
has been to meet one, and here it is actually fulfilled. The 
dream of my life fulfilled — and {sudden chaiige) — the dream 
of my wife in the next room. 

Fifi. Won't you sit down, Mr. Bender. 

Bend. Ah, thank you. {He is about to accept the invitation^ 
and starts toivard Fifi as if to sit. He stops suddenly, and looks 
nervously at his wife's door, r. 3.) Ahem — I — I believe I'd 
rather stand. ( W^ith a longing look at the seat by Fifi's side.) 
My doctor has ordered me to — e — take all the exercise I 
can. 

Fifi. And won't he let you sit down .'' Dear me ! How 
dreadfully you must suffer. 

Bend. Yes — I suffer {glances r.) — more than I can tell. 
{Aside.) Oh ! if w^e were only somewhere else ! {A 
thought^ I wonder if I could .? {Goes to door, r. 3. Paiise.) 
I'll try it. Confound it, I'd try anything. {He quietly turns 
key i7i door. Look of joy ^ Ha, ha ! {Chuckles.) I've locked 
her in ! 

Fifi. Mr. Bender ! 

Bend, {staf-ts). Eh — oh, yes! {Goes toicard Y\¥i with 
great relief evident in his manner^ I was just — e — locking 
my door. 

Fifi. I saw you were. 

Bend. So many valuables in there — it's safer, you 
know. 

Fifi. Yes. {N'odding demurely.) Safer to keep them there. 

Bend. Yes, ha, ha ! {Laughs in an uncertain manner.) 

[Fifi bursts into a vu^rry laugh. 



54 Jill tbc eomforis of f)omc. 

(Bender hui^hs with her; then suddetily stops) 'Hem — e 
— perhaps we'd better not laugh quite so audibly. 

FiFi. Perhaps not — the valuables might hear. 

Bend. Ahem — yes, they might. (Hendkr al/out to sit l>y 
FiFi's siiie, l. c, o)i ottoman.) 

FiFi {rises). What! disobeying the doctor's orders, Mr. 
Bender 1 {Sits.) 

Bend. Oh — d — e — hang the doctor's orders ! {Sits r., 
on ottoman.) Er — Miss Oritanski — I've been smoking 
here. If I'd known you were coming out — 

FiFi. Don't speak of it, Mr. Bender. I like it. 

Bend, {f-apturonsly ; aside). She likes it. {Aloud) So 
you're singing at the Opera Comique ? [Fifi 7iods assent. 

What — e — what part ? 

Fifi. In the new piece to-morrow, I'm Prince Vladimir. 

Bend. Prince Vladimir ! {Draws a sigh of delight.) 
How perfectly — e — sweet you must look in the part of a 
prince. 

Fifi. I'm groino: to trv one of the costumes on this morn- 
ing. Would you like to see it .? 

Bend. Like to — I — {Sudden stop, and look at door R 3.) 

[Fifi laughs lightly, amused. 
It would delight me beyond words. 

Fifi. There's only one obstacle. 

Bend. {bus. of looking r.). I know it. 

Fifi {laughingly). Oh, I don't mean the valuables. 

Bend. What, another ! 

Fifi. Ah, Mr. Bender ! I am afraid you don't know dress- 
makers. 

Bend. Well, I've met — 'hem — a few. 

Fifi. But not mine. Oh, she's a tyrant ! Now, what do 
you think she has done to-day ? 

Bend, {blinking i?i expectation of a horrible 7'evelation). 
What has she done to-day ? 

Fifi. Refused to send my most important costume be- 



Bii tbc eomfom of Borne. 55 

cause there is a trifle due on the bill. Of course I shall 
send to the management and have it attended to, but the 
delay — and the insult! {A'/st's io r. Walks indignantly.) 
The humiliation ! 

Bend, (^rises and follows to c). Outrageous! {T/iinks.) 
My dear young lady — would you consider it intrusive 
(^fises) — if I — if — I asked the favor of — e — arranging 
this little matter ? 

FiFi (r. ; tuniing ; feigned surprise). You I 

Bend. (c). Ah — don't misconstrue me! It has been 
the dream of my life — to — e — do something for Art. 

FiFi. Oh, how good you are I I feel that you are a friend. 
{Impulsively holds out her hands?) 

[Bender eagerly kisses her hand ; Fifi retreats quickly 
a step or tivo. Bender bus. of glance r. 3, and of 
uncertain smile at Fifi, etc. 
Ah, I am afraid I have been too frank with you ! 

Bend. No, no, not at all ! Not at all ! 

Fifi. And yet — it seems to me that I could trust you. 

Bend. You could — you could ! 

Fifi {crosses to l.). But {speaks doubtfully) I'm dreadfully 
afraid it would hardly be right. 

Bend. Yes, but — 

Fifi. Well, I will put your friendship to the test. Wait 
just a moment, and I'll get the bill. {EXIT quickly, l. 3.) 

[/v'^^Z>K Josephine, to enter r. 3 e. 

Bend, {delighted ; chuckles ; bus?) Ha, ha ! We're getting 
along charmingly. Charmingly ! Ah (walking), I haven't 
forgotten all I knew. No ! {Shaking head in merriment, etc., 
and chuckling to himself. Comes before his wifes door R. 3, and 
stops; stands looking at it.) And Josephine locked in too, 
ha, ha, ha ! That wasn't bad, now — that wasn't half bad 1 

ENTER Fifi, l. 3, -with a bill. 

Fifi (l.). Here it is, Mr. Bender. 
Bend. (c). Give it to me. 



5^ Jill tl)c Comforts of l)ome. 

FiFi {^phiyfiilly holding it away). My, how imperious you 
are ! {Imitates /livt.) ''Give it to me." 

Bend. Ah — but I beg — {Iries to get t/ie bill.) 

FiFi (b//s.). You are in a hurry because you want to 
get rid of me. [Josephine tries to open door r. 3. 

Jos. {rattling door ; 07itside R. t,). Theodore! Theodore! 

Bend. Here, quick ! Yes, my love ! 

FiFi. There, take it! {Hurriedly puts bill into Bender's 
hand. Skips to door T.. 3.) Ta-ta ! (^Throws a kiss to 
Bender, and EXIl'i.. 3.) 

Jos. (outside r. 3). Theodore ! what does this mean.-* 

Bend. {/iaste?ting to door r. 3). \Miat is it, my angel.'' 

Jos. {outside r. 3). Open this door. 

Bend. Why, is it locked? (Unloeks and opens door.) 
How did that occur 1 

ENl'ER Josephine, r. 3, dressed for the street^ and 
bi'inging Bender's hat and cane. Putting them on 
table R., a7id coming down c. She strides on, looking 
about in silence, a?id with evident suspicion. 

Jos. (r. c). Did you lock that door? 

Bend, {doicm l. c). I, my love ! 

Jos. It's perfectly evident that you did. 

Bend, {looking at his pipe). Ah — ahem — you — I was 
smoking — and — 

Jos. \Vell ? 

Bend. I thought the smoke might get in, you know. 
Ahem — {Slight start, realizing he has made a blunder^ Of 
course it must have been in a fit of abstraction, my dear. 

Jos. Um ! It w^as a fit of something, I've no doubt. 
{Aside.) I wonder if anything has been going on ? 

\liEAD Y Tom ajul Alfred to enter up r. and r. 2 
E., respecti^'cly. 

Bend, (aside). She'll be over it before long. (Ben- 
der glances aside at the bill. Starts.) Ha, eighty-six 
pounds ! 



Jill m eontforfs Of 1)ome. 57 

Jos. (crosses to l. ; iurnmg). I am ready to go now, The- 
odore. 

Bend. {cTosses down r. ; aside). Jerusalem ! I haven't a 
fiver to my name. She takes care of the money. Now, how 
the devil — 

Jos. {down c). What is the matter with you this morning ? 

Bend. Eh ? Me ? Oh — nothing. Come, my dear. 
{Starts up r.) 

Jos. {foIIo7ving ; aside). I shall watch that man very 
closely. 

Bend. (/// r.). Isn't Evangeline coming ? 

Jos. You know very well she has a headache. 

Bend. I thought it might be better. 

Jos. {buttoning glove). She says it's worse — and— r 
{Aside.) Now, I think of it, I'd better just lock the door. 
One can never be too careful with young girls. {Bus. of 
locking door r. 3, and putting key into her pocket?) 

Bend. (/// r.). Good Lord, I've got to get this money 
somehow ! 

Jos. {going lip r. to table, to get hat and cane). There's 
your hat. There's your cane. {She jams his hat upoJi his 
head?) Come ! 

Bend. Yes, my angel ! {Turns at door up r., a/id gla?ices 
toward Fifi's door.) 

ENTER Tom up r., a?id Alfred r. 2 e., nteeting 
Josephine and Bender. Tom has a cup of tea 
and a package ; he crosses toward h. 2. EXIl'h. 2. 

Jos. (/// c. ; siceetty). Ah, Mr. Hastings, good-morning ! 

[Alfred boivs politely. 

Alf. {crosses around in front of table, and up to L. of Jose- 
phine). Good-morning, my dear Mrs. Bender. Off for a 
little constitutional ? 

Jos. {very pleasa/itly). Yes; isn't it a lovely day ? {Vefy 
siveetly.) Come, Theodore ! 

[Bender gets in a look at Alfred. Eyes up. 



5$ Jill tDe Comforts of l)ome. 

Alf. a very charming time to you ! 

Bend, {/o Alfred, a/ doot). Oh, don't, my boy ! 

\^RKADY bell and voice, up r. Josephine laughs. 
EXEUNT Bender and Josephine, /// r. 

Alf. {comiflg dowii). They're safely gone. Now to Evan- 
geline ! {Goes to door r. 3, and knocks cautiously.) The little 
darling! 

{^READ Y Langhorne and Evangeline, to enter 
L. c. and R. 3 E., i-espcctivel\\ 

Evan, {outside r. 3). Who is it ? 

Alf. How is your headache, Miss Bender? 

Evan, {outside r. 3). Oh, is it you? {Tries to open door?) 

Alf. Yes ; who else should it be ? 

Evan. Why, I can't get out. 

Alf. Is the door locked ? 

Evan, {outside r. 3). Yes ; isn't the key there ? 

Alf. No ; but I'll soon have one. {Feels quickly in pockets. 
Glances about. Runs to table and looks.) 

ENTER Tou from l. 2. 

Tom {going across quickly toward up r.). Now he wants a 
mustard plaster, and a pail o' hot water for his feet. 

Alf. Tom ! 

Tom {startled). Ge Whiffles ! I didn't see you, sir. 

Alf. Haven't you any keys about you ? I must open 
that door. 

TOxM {pulling out bunch of keys). Quite right, sir. {Tosses 
tkeni to Alfred.) I ain't never seen nothin' that one o' 
them wouldn't open. {Hurries to door up r.) 

Alf. Ah — thanks. 

Tom. Don't mention it. {Aside.) An' I gits 'alf ! {Starts 
off^) [Bell ri?igs overhead, upstairs, at up r. 

( Yelling upstairs). 'Alf-past eleving ! [EXIT, door up r. 

Voice {above, upstairs up r.). I want to know what — 
oh — 

ENTER Langhorne//'^;/'/ l. c, crossing to up r. d. 



JFIH m €omfort$ of l)omc. 5^ 

Alf. Ah, Mr. Langhorne, going out for a stroll ? 

Lang. Yah — yah, my deah boy. {EXIT v.. u. e.) 

[Alfred quickly tries keys to door r. 3, ajid soon 
ope7is the door. Careful to leave ofie key from buiich 
iti the lock. ENTER Evangeline r. 3, demurely. 

Evan. (r. c). Wasn't it dreadful of mamma to lock 
me in .'* 

Alf. (l. c). Simply diabolical. But do you happen to 
remember, little dear, what it is that laughs at locks .'* 
{Takes Evangeline's hand in his.) 

Evan. That laughs at locks "i 

Alf. Yes. 

Evan, {looking down ; shakes head). No — I — I haven't 
any idea. 

Alf. Shall I tell you ? 

Evan, {looks at him). Perhaps you'd better not. 

Alf. Yes — but perhaps I'd better. \_She looks up. 

It is love. 

Evan, {looks on ground). Oh — {looks at him) I thought 
love laughed at locksmiths, Mr. Hastings. 

Alf. {laughs). It laughs at anything, Evangeline, that 
tries to keep us apart. 

[Eause. Evangeline gets aivay and goes r., slightly 
embarrassed. She turns suddenly and goes to 
Alfred. 

Evan. Alfred — oh ! {Covers mouth with hand. Bus. 
of pretty embarrassment^ 

Alf. ((jjiickly). That's right — that's right ! {Bus.) 

Evan. Listen. Mamma locked me in. It shows that 
she's suspicious, and will come back any moment to look 
after me. 

Alf. How very unfeeling on her part ! 

Evan. Oh, but that's the way mothers are, you know ; 
so very suspicious and watchful. 

Alf. So it is — and I can't sav I blame them very much 



M Jill tl)c Comforts of f)omc. 

for it either; that is, I don't blame your mother. Why, if 
you belonged to me — {paast-s, lookiug into her eyes). 

Evan, {thniiily). If — if — I belonged to you? 

Ai.F. {7vith feeUng). If you were mine, little dear, my 
own, you know, and nobody's else, I'd be watchful too. 
Why, I'd be simply wretched every moment you were out of 
my sight. 

Evan. Would you ? 

Alf. Indeed, 1 would ! 

Evan. How do you know t 

Alf. {low a?id earnest voice). Because — because I am 
now {slight pause^. So you see, it wouldn't be right for me 
to find fault with your mother for being watchful, would it ? 

Evang. {suddaily stariiiig away). No — and she is — 
dreadfully {looks about anxiously) — and we must be very 
careful. You stand there in that door {poiiiting up r., going 
herself up to door r. 3 e., and Alfred to up r. d.), and I 
will stay close by this door. Then we can talk ; and when 
you hear any one coming, I can run in, and you must be sure 
to lock the door just the way it was. 

Alf. {at door up r.). Ah — but — 

Evan, {at door^ r. 3 e.). Please ! please ! please ! Any 
one coming? 

\_They take positions as Evangeline suggested. 
READ Y bell l., and voice up r. 

Alf. But, Evangeline — can't I come a little nearer ? 

Evan. Oh, this is quite near! See {reaches out hand), 
you can reach my hand from there. 

Alf. {quickly catching her ha fid, and holding it). So I 
can ! 

Evan. Oh — I didn't mean for you to do it ! 

Alf. {nearer to her). My little darling ! Have you thought 
of me once — since yesterday ? 

Evan, {after pause). Hundreds and hundreds of times. 

Alf. You have ! {Bus. ,• holds her in his arms.) 



jFfii m Comfom of Borne, ei 

Evan. (7aiy/i some €mban'assmc7if). Yes. Have you 

thought of — of me any.? 

Alf. I'hought of you ! Will you believe me if I tell 
you how much.? 

Evan. Oh, yes ! I could never doubt your word that 

is, if it is not too much, you know. 

Alf. I'm afraid it is — if I should really tell you how 
much I've thought of you. 

Evan. Then perhaps you'd better not. But you might 
just tell me how many times ; perhaps I would believe that. 

Alf. How many times ? [Evangeline nods ikmnrely. 

How many times I've thought of you t 

[Evangeline same bushiess. 
Only once. 

Evan. Once ! (Alfred 7iods?) Since yesterday ! 
Alf. Only once — since yesterday; for I've thought of 
nothing else, my little darling — and no one else — and so 
that one thought has lasted me the whole time. 

[Evangeline, reconciled, allows hi?n to draw her close 
again. 
Evan. O Alfred! I cannot bear to think we are to 
leave London in only a few weeks. 

Alf. What matter, my little love — I shall follow you, 
wherever you go. [I^EAD V Tom lo enter r. u. d. 

Evan. Will you? I — I don't know how it is, but even 
on the second day we came here, it seemed as if we had 
known each other for hundreds and hundreds of years. 
You were so good — so kind — and so, of course — I liked 
you very much — you see. 

\^READ F Bender /^; enter up r. 
Alf. Liked me ? Ah — but don't you — just a little more 

than like — just a little t [Bus, Evan(;kline enilHurassed. 
Evan, {low voice). I like you — very much — of course — 
Alf. How much.? Enough to make it love— just a 

little love ,? 



62 Jill fbc eomfom of l)omc 

Evan, {pause ; i)us.). I'm afraid so. 

Af.f. {hohiing her). You dear! (/(''<7M;/^'' Evangeline's 
/land.) [Evangeline suddenly, on reflecting what she has 
said, buries her face on Alfred's bosom, in co7i/u- 
sion. 
{Aside.) jVIerciful heavens ! What have I been saying ? 

ENTER Tom, r. u. d. 

Tom. All the Comforts of Home ! {Perceives them.) 
Beg parding ! 

EXIT, R. u. D. Alfred and Evangeline start 
aivay from each other quickly. 

Evan. Did he see that I — that you — that we — "i 

Alf. No — 1 don't think he saw it. But 1 have a better 
idea than the one you had a while ago. There's Langhorne's 
room — no one in it. Window commands view of street — 
w^e can chat there, and see the moment any one comes near 
the house. {He holds out his hand.) 

Evan. That is a good place. {Takes his hand, and they 
both skip quickly into room up L., arid stand or sit near the 
7C'indo7v, so that they are in sight of the audietice. They con- 
verse^ ENTER Bender suddenly, door up r., breathing as 
if he had come in a violent hurry. 

Bend. (c). I've escaped ! That is to say, by some un- 
fortunate accident I lost my wife in the crowd. {Looks at 
Fifi's door?) That money ! There's only one way — I must 
raise it on Josephine's diamonds. She scarcely ever wears 
them — and I'll write pjleecker for the money, and get them 
out again before she notices it. {Goes do7vn to door r. 3.) 
But the devil of it is, what Evangeline will say. If I could 
only get her out of the room on some pretext or other ! 
(Listens at door.) She seems to be asleep. My soul — that 
would be fortunate ! {LLe opens door very cautiously and 
looks in.) Why, she isn't there ! {Looks about?) All the 
better — all the better! {EXIT into room r. 3.) 

\^Bell rings outside L., /// Dabnev's 700m. Pause. 



Jill tbe €otnfort$ of Iconic. 63 

Bell rings again in Dabney's room. ENTER 
Bender r. 3, ivith a Jewel case wJiich he tries to 
coficeal under //is coat. 
There, ha ! ha ! Burglarizing my own room ! But where 
the deuce can Evangeline be? I'll lock the door — for I'll 
be back immediately. {Locks door, taking key out.) How 
careless, to leave the house open like this ! Some one might 
have got in as easy as not, and stolen these diamonds, 
and then what in the devil's name would I have done ? 
{He goes up r., putting key in his pocket.) 

Voice Qip-stairs, up r.) Is anybody there ? 

Bend, {starting, frightened). Ough ! Oh, Lord ! {Bus. 
of recovering. Speaks upstairs.) Yes ; what do you want ? 

Voice {upstairs, up r.). I want to know what time 
it is? 

Bend. The devil take him ! 

Voice {upstairs, up r.). I want to set my watch. 

S^READY Thompson and Bailiff to enter up r. 

Bend, {calling upstairs). Well, set it back three-quarters 
of an hour. {EXIT Bender, /// r.) 

\B ell rings lo7ig and continuously in Dabney's room, 
outside L. 2. READY Tom to enter up r. 

Alf. (l. c. ; coming dozvn into roo?n, followed by Evange- 
line). Good heavens ! What a fiendish disturbance that 
fellow in there makes ! 

Evan. (r. c). What did you give him sucli an unearthly 
bell for ? 

Alf. The only one I could find. By Jove — a good 
idea ! Do you know how they go to work to mufile a bell ? 

Evan. Why, yes ; just tie a piece of flannel around the 
tongue. 

Alf. I will proceed to muffle Dabney's bell. {Squeezes 
Evangeline's hantl.) Be back in a minute, darling. {EXIT 
l. 2.) [MC/SIC. Ag. pp., louder, for />us., door locked. 
Play until stop cue. 



64 M fbc Comforts of fiomc. 

Evan. (c. ; going k., a/tii stopping near door r. 3). He 
loves me ! He loves me ! And I — I love him too ! Yet 
there is something he is keeping from me — I can see that ! 
Oh, I would be very happy — if I were sure — {tneditates 
sadly ; suddenly happy again. Going to door r. 3). But if 
he loves me — what else could I want? {S/ie tries to open 
door. Startled at Jinding it fastened.) Locked! (7'ries again.) 
Locked; and the key gone! Oh, dear! (^Frightened; she 
looks alh)t/t.) If mamma should come ! Alfred — Mr. Has- 
tings, I mean! {Starts — listening.) Oh, I hear some one 
coming ! What shall I do ? {She darts to l. c, and suddenly 
turns into Langhorne's roofn up l. c, and shuts door.) 

EN^TER Thompson up r., with Bailiff. 

\_Stop i7iusie. 
Thompson (c. ; coming itito room folloiced by Bailiff). 
This is where 'e lives, sir, and there's 'is room. I was in 
ere this morning, and found hout. 

[READ Y Alfred, to enter l. 2 e. 
Bailiff (r. c. ; crosses to q?). Very well, where's my war- 
rants ? (Bailiff business a ino7ne7it., g^lfi'ig out papers^ 

EASIER Tom Jip r., crossing behind thetn, and down 
to L. c. hastily., imith mustard plaster and pail of 
steaming hot water. Bailiff and Thompson start 
toward Langhorne's door, Tom runs quickly 
against them with pail of hot water., spilli?ig soine 
water. 

Bailiff. 

Thompson. Tom. 

Tom (l. c). I begs your pardon, gents; but what's 
wantin' .'' 

Thomp. (r. c). We've come 'ere to attach Mr. Lang- 
horne's things. 

Tom. Ge-Whififles ! Well, 1 likes that ! 
Bail. (c). We're werry glad as you likes it, young man. 
So if you please, stand out o' the way. 

[READY Josephine, to enter up r. 



Jill m £omfort$ of l)omc. 65 

Tom. {Bus. Slight ihreatciiiiig ^nolion ivitJi pail of hot 
tauter ; viay simply set it in fro/it of hi»i). Oh, it's that, is 
it ? But supposin' I don't please ? 

Bail, {loiui voice). You'd interfere with the law, would 
ye? 

Tom. Oh, no ! But afore you gits away with everything, 
I'd just make certain as we had enough o' Langhorne's 
luggage to settle up our little rent. 

Bail, {loud twice). Look 'ere. I don't know nothink 
about your little rent, nor do I care. 

[Bailiff ajid Thompson drop dotvn r. in front of 
table. 
Tom {loud). I see you don't; an' it makes me have to 
do all the carin' myself — so — ENTER Alfred l. 2. 

Tom. 
Bailiff. Alfred. 

Thompson. 
Alf. What's all this row about.? 

Bail. I've a warrant 'ere to attach the property of one 
Langhorne. 

Tom. One Langhorne? That's all there is — ef ye was 
leavin' us another, I wouldn't care. 

Alf. {^goes up totvard Tom). No use, Tom — we've got to 
submit. 

Tom. An' let 'em take everything, sir 1 
Alf. No* other way, my boy. {Irying to persuade T(jm 
to move atoay fro7n door. They remonstrate tvith each other. 
Pantomitie bus. 

EN2ER Josephine up r., excited and breathless. 
Josephine {bustling into room., dotvn c). Where is my 
husband t Have you seen my husband, I say ? 

Thomp. {to tohom the remark seemed to be addressed). No ; 
an' I don't want to see 'im, neither. 

[Bailiff and Thompson up r. of table, and over to 
Tom, l. 



66 Jill tbe eomforfs of f>omc. 

Jos. {going excitedly about^ k.). To leave me in that way 
— in the middle of a crowded street — with teams and om- 
nibuses — and — and — oh! {Angry exclamation. Stamps 
foot.) 

Bailiff. Tom. 

Josephine. 

Thompson. 

Alfred. 
Bail. Come — I can't wait here ! 

Tom {at d. l. c, over Alfred's shoulder^. There ain't 
no one asked ye to. 

Alf. (l. of Tom). See here, Tom — 
Tom. Just let me drop this 'ere hot water down the back 
of his neck, and decorate his cheek with a mustard plaster. 
Alf. {pulling Tom out of the way, and putting /lim over to 
his l.). It's no use, I tell you — they can lock us up if we 
interfere. 

Tom {discouraged ; going one side). An' I gits 'alf ! 
Alf. There, gentlemen. {He opens door of l^A'UGUORi^i'E'?, 
room, l. c.) You can go on with your — {Sudden start. 
Shuts door with slam, and stands before it.) Death and 
Destruction ! Evangeline ! 

[Josephine turns at bus., and looks. Tableau. 

Door. 
Alfred. 
Bailiff. Tom. 

Thompson. 
Josephine. 

Tom {down l. ; aside). Ge-Whiffles ! Wonder what struck 
'im then ? 

Bail. (/// c). Say, are we goin' hin, or not? 
Alf. {up L. c). Not just now. {Glances ^/Josephine.) 
Thomp. (r. of Bailiff). What's the reason we can't ? 
Alf. The — the room isn't in order yet. 



m\ tftc gomroris or Rome. 67 

Jos. (aside). Oh, what delicacy ! 

Bail. Well, we'll put it in order mighty quick. (Advances 

a step ^ 

Alf. (motions hi7n back). Stop ! Wait ! 

SPREAD Y muffled bell, L. 
(Alfred comes forward a little:) What's the amount of your 

claim 1 

Thomp. (r. of Alfred). Eight pound twelve and six- 
pence. (Produces bill.) 

Alf. (pullhig money from pockets). I'll settle the thing. 
It cleans me out, but I'll settle it. 

Tom (down l., putting pail of water on desk, l. ; aghast; 
aside). Oh, he's gone way off his head ! 

Thomp. Very well, sir. (lakes money) Am much ob- 
liged — the receipt, sir. (Goiftg up r.) 

[Bus. of Tom with plaster sticki?ig to his hand. 

Alf. (l. c). Now, kindly — (indicating door). 

Bail. (c. to Alfred). But you've forgotten one little 
matter, my friend. There's costs to be settled afore I goes. 
One pound ten and six, sir, if you please. 

Alf. Oh, the deuce ! See here, my man, I haven't got 
it. Can't you — 

Bail. No, I can't. So just stand aside now. 

[Bailiff advances toward door up l. c, and ts 
stopped by Alfred, zvho stands before it. 

Jos. Stop ! (She goes to Bailiff, feeling in her pockets. 
Bus. of paying Bailiff.) I will not see such delicacy of 
sentiment trodden under foot. Here! Take your miser- 
able costs ! 

Alf. But, my dear Mrs. Bender — 

Jos. Not a word ! I prefer to do it. 

Alf. (aside). By Jove, if the old girl knew what she was 
paying for ! 

Bail, (having counted money, etc.). Now we're all right, I 
believe. (Starts r. with Thompson.) 



6$ nil the eomfom of Rome. 

Tom. Oh, yes, you're all right! {Follows t/iem, r.) But 
where do we come in ? 

\EXEUN7' Bailiff <?//// Thompson up r. Paits-e. 

A peculiar a?i(i unearthly sound of 7?iuffled bell comes 

from Dabney's ;w;w, l. 2. (Note. Experijuent 

to get an effective and laughable sound for this.) 

Tom, who is up r., tur?is in surprise. Alfred 

and Josephine also listen. 

{Starting toward Dabney's room, l. 2.) Well, ef his bell 

ain't done an' took a spasm now ! (Tom seizes loaierpail 

and plaster, and rushes off i.. 2. As he goes.) Comin' sir — 

comin' ! Comin' ! {EXIT, l. 2.) 

Jos. (R. c. to Alfred). I admire your delicacy so much, 
Mr. Hastings. \^READY knock, l. c. 

Alf. (l. c). Thanks! Thanks! But I — I really can't 
help it ; it is an inborn instinct with me, madam. {Trying 
to keep her away frofn door up L. c.) 

Jos. (r. c). Yes ; but I don't know many people w'ho 
would be willing to pay so much for a mere sentiment. Js 
the gentleman's apartment really in such disorder t Let me 
just peep in. {Turns as if to go to the door up l. c.) 

Alf. {with a start). No! {Stands betiveen her and the 
door l. c.) Ah — that is — really, Mrs. Bender — consider 
my feelings ! [Josephine looks at Alfred an insta?it. 

Jos. {aside). How he started ! It can't be possible there's 
any — I really begin to suspect that, after all — {A frown 
appears upon her face shnvly. Turns to Alfred. Voice 
changed to harder tone.) Mr. Hastings, I shall have to in- 
sist upon looking into that room. 

Alf. Insist.-* Come now — that's hardly the thing, is it, 
for one who appreciates my delicacy of sentiment.^ 

S^READY LAxVGHorne, to enter up r. 

Jos. Delicacy, sir, has nothing to do with it now. I 
am living beneath your roof with my family — my husband 
— and my daughter — {on ^' daughter,'' points to room r. 3.) 



J\\\ m eontforfs of l)ome. 69 

[Alfred gh^es a slight start. 
If I became convince'd that everything was not as it should 
be, I would instantly quit the house. 
Alf. Surely, you do not suspect — 

Jos. From your actions, Mr. Hastings, I know that there 
is some one in that room you wish to conceal. As you do 
not choose to relieve my mind at once by opening the door, 
it more than confirms my suspicions. I shall therefore wait 
here until the person — whoever it is — comes out. {Seats 
herself in a chair ^ back to audience, L. of r. table.) It is a 
duty I owe my family. 

[Alfred simply stares blankly at Josephine. After 
watching Josephine seat herself, he fulls news- 
paper from pocket. Draivs chair before door up 
L. c, and reads. 
{Aside.) If he thinks that affects my mind, he is the most 
mistaken individual on this quarter of the globe. 

[Josephine begins to hujn a so7ig, her indignation 
shoiving in it. Alfred takes it up, whistling 
softly. Josephine stops angrily, and looks dag- 
gers. A soft knock on door up l. c^from 7C'ithi?i. 
READ Y Bender, to enter up r. 
Alf. {aside). The devil ! Now Evangeline wants to get 
out. {Coughs, and hitches around in his chair as if to coi'cr 
up the sound made by Evangeline.) 

EN^TER Langhorne /// r., running in hastily, as 
if pursued. 
Lang, {coming in). If that woman saw me. I am lost ! 
{Going to Alfred. Stops, seeing situation.) 

[READY Evangeline to enter up l. 

Alf. {at door l. c. ; aside). Merciful Powers ! Now he'll 

want to get in. [Josephine starts, and icatches eagerly. 

Lang, {on Alfred's r., going quickly to door). Vou will 

permit me ? 

Alf. {quickly, in an undertone to Laxghorne). For 



70 J\\\ the eomfom of l)ome. 

Heaven's sake, don't ! There's a woman in there who must 
not be seen. 

Lang. (A^ Alfred). But see heah, deah boy — there's a 
woman after me, and I mustn't be seen. 
Alf. {/o Langhorne). Go into my room. 
Lang. Your — oh — certainly! {Starts doivn r.) I don't 
care where I go, ye know, as long as I go somewhere. 
(Z>^^/^^j rt!/-^//;/^/ Josephine's chair). Aw — chawming day! 
{EXIT R. 2.) 

Jos. {aside). It's a conspiracy I 

ENTER Bender tip r., rushi?ig in. 
Bend. Ha, ha ! Thank Heaven, I've fixed that! {Sees 
Josephine. Instantly turns square about, and starts toward 
door up r. again, and EXIT door up r. ) 

Jos. {rising quickly). Theodore ! Theodore ! Stop, I 
say ! {She folloics Bender.) Stop ! I wish to speak with 
you. Theodore ! {EXIT, door up r.) 

Alf. {aside). Thank Heaven for that ! {Opens door up l.) 
Evangeline, quick ! ENTER Evangeline, up l. 

Quick, quick ! To your room ! {Passing her across to r.) 
[Evangeline starts toward r. 3. ENTER Jose- 
phine ajid Bender, up r. Josephine sees Evan- 
geline, and stands in horror for an instant. 
Jos. {up R. c. ; on seeing Evangeline). What ! {Almost 
a scream?) [^All stand on tableau. 

Alf. (l., having fallen on ottoman ; aside). Lost ! 
Bend. («/ r. ; aside). Hullo ! {Looks about to see what it is.) 

Bender. Josephine. 

Evangeline. 

Alfred. 
Jos. (r. c). Then you were there ? 
Evan. (l. c). Yes, mamma. 

[Alfred starts as if to speak. Evangeline motions 
liim not to. 
No, Alfred, I will tell them. 



All tbc Cottifom of l)otne. 71 

Bend. " Alfred ! " {Coming down r.) 

Jos. {up R. c). '' Alfred ! " 

Evan. (c). I had been chatting with Alfred, and I hid in 
that room when I heard you coming. I will not and can- 
not deny it. 

Bend. (r. ; aside^ admiringly). What courage the girl has ! 

Jos. {lip R. c). And you have the hardihood to speak 
of this so calmly ! What — what does it mean ? 

Evan. (/// l. c). It means, mamma, that Alfred and 1 
love each other. He has told me so, and I have told him 
so — and that's all there is about it. 

{READ Y FiFi, to e7iter l. 3 e. 

Bend, {down r. ; aside). Magnificent ! Such coolness ! 
{Speaks aloud without thinkifig, dappijig hands together.) 

Bravo ! 

Jos. {turning upon him). Theodore ! (Josephine unlocks 
door R. 3 E.) 

[Bender collapses, hut recovers^ and claps hands to- 
gether behind his hack, where Josephine camiot see 
him. 
{To Evangeline.) Go to your room at once ! What course 
I shall take with you, I do not yet know. 

Evan, {giving Alfred her ha?id). Until we meet again, 
Alfred dear ! 

[Josephine ope?is door r. 3, and stands. EXIT 
Evangeline calmly R. 3, turning at door, and 
throiving a kiss seriously and tefiderly to Alfred. 
Bend. Ha, ha! {Chuckles — not a laugh. Crosses up to 
Alfred, l. c.) 

Jos. {at door, r. 3 e.). Theodore ! 

[Bender becomes serious at once. 
I have a few words to say to you soon. {EXIT r. 3, after 
giving Bender a look of great significance.) 

[READ V Dabnev and Tom, to enter l. 2 e. 
Bend. (r. c, to Alfred l. c, slapping him on the shoulder). 



72 Jill fbc eomfom of Rome. 

That's a woman — eh ? Now — now vou can have some 
idea of how I feel — ha, ha, ha! 

MUSIC. Lively music, ivith comeJy element very 
predoviiuaJit. Flay pp. during dialogue, increasing 
to a little louder near end of act, and forte for 
curtain. Fifi ofens door l. 3. 
FiFi. Mr. Bender ! 
Bend. Eh t 

Fifi. The costume has come. Do you want to see me 
as Prince Vladimir } 

Bend. The costume? {Giving a glance towards door r. 
3.) Perfectly delighted, my dear ! (Bender hastens to2vard 
Fifi.) ENTER Fifi, l. 3, /;/ costume of Prince Vladimir. 
Ha, ha, ha ! Charming ! charming ! 

Fifi. How do you like it, Mr. Bender ? 

\fust as Bender reaches the tal)le near r. c, Jose- 
phine ENTERS R. 3. 
Jos. {up R., above the table). Now, Theodore, I would 
like to know^ — 

[Alfred, /// c, gives quick exclamation of alarm. 
Bend. (c. ; just above the l. of table ; terrified). Ah ! {He 
quickly snatches table-cover from table near c, and raises it 
high in the air, so that Fifi is hidden from view.) My dear 
have you noticed the beautiful pattern on this table-cover t 
Simply divine ! Exquisite ! Adorable ! 

[Alfred, up c, seizes Fifi on table-cover bus., and 
hurries her off at L. 3 an instant later. ENTER 
Evangeline, door r. 3. She stands at the door, 
trying to see what causes the excitement. Jose- 
phine, on table-cover bus., stands astotiished. At 
table-cover bus. and exclamations, etc., enter Dab- 
ney l. 2 E. Dabney is swaddled up with flan- 
nels, etc., as if for illness. Mustard-plaster on 
chest, old dressing-gown, stocking-feet, etc. 

MUSIC. A little louder, but still well down. 



j^ll tbc eottiforls of l>ome. 73 

Dab. (l. c. ; .fdV/V/.i,'- Fifi as Alfred hurries her off). Ah! 
{Half shriek.) Xhat creature sang in my opera, and she — 
Alf. {?(/> c. ; (/i/ick sJiout to Tom).. Stop him ! 

{ENI'ER Tom l. 2 e. He carries plaster, ban- 
(iages, etc.) 
Tori. (l. ; jumping on Dabney). Quite right, sir. 

{^READ Y curtain. 
MUSIC. Forte for curtain. ToM throias arms 
around Dabney's 7ieck, head, etc., so that he is 
effectively silenced, and they fall upon the ottoman 
together, Dabney utter i7ig muffled yells and shrieks, 
Tom puttijig plaster over his mouth. Alfred 
snatches up newspaper, and sta7ids readijig non- 
chalantly before door l. 3. Bender drops, over- 
come, into chair up c, the table-cover falling over 
hifn. Josephine, r., or r. c, transfixed 7vith as- 
toiiishinent at the behavior of the gentlemen. (Note. 
All this business at climax to occupy only an instant?) 

[RING curtain. 

CURTAIN. 



74 Jill the eomforts of Iconic. 



ACT III. 

SCENE. — Same as in Act I. Some trijlmg changes in furni- 
ture can be made to advatitage. Anything that will tend to 
make a little change 7vill perhaps relieve the moftotony. 

MUSIC. — Cotnedy bit for rise of curtain. Lively, 
and somewhat adapted to Tom's btisitiess. Come to 
pp. wheji curtain is up. Stop on bcginni?ig of Tom's 
speech. 
Tom discovered working down near c.,at a large shal- 
low pasteboard box, the empty ijiterior ofivhich is ex- 
posed to view of audience. He appears to have been 
glueing something on botto?n, 7vhich is turned up 
stage. READY Bender, to ejiter r. 3 e. 
READ Y bell, off l. 2 e. 
Tom (seated l. of^. table). I've had enough o' that there 
cove as yells down them stairs ev'ry other minit, a-wanting 
ter know what time it is, an' I'm a-goin' ter fix him so's he 
won't give us no more trouble. Ef he goes on with it, the 
nervous galoot in there's a-goin' ter leave, an' he'll burst up 
the whole business afore we know it — an' I ain't goin' ter 
have the business bursted now (bus. workifig) — while I gits 
half. {Bus. with box. He picks up box, rushes up r., then, 
suddenly turnitig box so that bottom is to front, he quickly hangs 
it to a hook on wall near foot of stairs, and immediately rushes 
dowji and to table c, where he gets a pot of black paint and 
brushes, waiting for laugh, if any, on audience seeing back of 
box. On back of box is pai7ited or pasted a 7i>hite paper or card- 
board, with an enormous clock face painted upo7i it, without any 
hands. Tom dashes up with the paint, a?id quickly pai7its from 
six to ten hands on the clock, these hands poi?iting in evety direc- 



Jill m €omfom of 1)ome. 75 

//<?//. //e names the time of each as Jie puts it in. Bus.) Quar- 
ter-past eleving. {Bus.) Two minutes afore three. (Bus.) 
Seving o'clock. {Etc.) There ! now he can take his choice 
— an' no noise about it. {Stands up r., viewi7ig his work.) 
That there ain't so bad, now. When I gits through with this 
here job, I kin go into the clock business. 

\^READ V bell and noise above^ up r. 
ENTER Bender, r. 3. He is in good spirits, and 
comes on 7vhistling. Stops and looks at the clock 
face and at Tom. 
What do you think of it, sir ? 

Bend. (r.). Is that style of timepiece your own inven- 
tion ? SPREAD Y Alfred, to enter r. 2 e. 
Tom (l.). It's fur the feller up-stairs, sir; him as makes 
such a contineral hollerin' fur the time. He'd orter be out 
now in a minit or two — it's more'n half an hour now sence 
the last time. 

Bend. Well, all I can say is — 

[Bell rings in Dabney's 7'oofn L. 2. Tom starts up 

R., but stops. 

Tom. Ge-Whiffles ! I thought it was 'im. It was the 

other one. {Goes toivard l. 2.) \_Bell rings above., up r. 

Tom and Bend. There ! (Tom atid Bender btis. of quick 

start and look?) 

Voice {above ; up r.). Look here ! Can't somebody down 
there tell me what — 

[^Sudden Jangle of bell, which comes banging and rat- 
tling do7vn the stairs from above, followed by pipe, 
novel, and a beer mug; noise of furniture. Tom 
and Bender bus. of holding in suppressed laughter. 
Finally burst out. If audience take it, keep up by 
BET>iDER falling into a chair, and I'oM rolling on 
the floor. 
Tom {on bus.). That there settled 'im, sir. 
Bend. That clock would settle anything. Ha, ha! 



76 Jill flK ecmforfs of Rome. 

ENTER Alfred door r. 2. Hat^ tic., as if froin 
street. 
Alf. (r. ; oftcr looking at bus.). From appearances, one 
would suppose you were having quite a humorous time. 

Bexd. (c). Ah, ha, ha, ha ! {Points to clock up R.) For 
the benefit of the second floor ! 

Alf. {crosses to c. ; seeing clock). Has the second floor seen 

it? 

Tom. Yes, sir ; he's just took an observation. 

[^Bell rings in Dabney's ?-oojn outside l. 2. 
Ge-Whiffles ! I forgot all about that nervous galoot. 
{EXITl. 2.) 

Dab. {in room l. 2 e.) Don't ! don't ! 

[Bender goes ivalking about room, smiling, and 
7vliistling snatches of things out of tune, hajids be- 
hijid him, etc. Half smiling noiv ajid then, as if 
thinking of so?nethi/ig very pleasant. Alfred 
watches him a while. 
Alf. {to L. ; aside). The old boy is in great spirits to-day. 
Wonder what's going on. As he is to be my father-in-law, 
rU have to look out for him a little. {Looks at Bender.) 

[Bender ^^^j- up r., and looks off at door r. 3 e. 
Think of it! Engaged to that little dear — yes, and as 
good as engaged to my cousin Emily at the same time ! A 
pretty position to be in ! But I'm in it, and the only way 
is to tell Uncle Egbert the whole thing when he comes home ; 
for I couldn't give up Evangeline. Oh, no ! Anything but 
that ! [Bender comes down c. 

Anything but that ! 

Bend. (c). Alfred, my boy, has the post come in this 
morning ? 

Alf. (l.). No, not yet. 

[Bender walks about up and down r. Alfred 
sticks his hands in his pockets and looks at hi7n. 
I say, you must be expecting something very nice. 



BW the Comforts of Borne. 77 

Bend. (r. c. ; s^oJ>s a?id looks at Alfred). I am. {Goes 
near Alfred. Speaks cotifidentially.) Ha, ha ! {Chuckles.) 
It's too good to keep. 

Alf. Don't keep it, then. 

Bend. The fact is {glatices around to see that no ofie over- 
hears)^ I'm expecting a letter — for my wife. 

Alf. That is, she's expecting it? 

Bend. No, no ! Not by a — 'hem! {^Bus. Glance?) She 
doesn't know anything about it. 

Alf. Ah ! 

Bend. I — {impressively., in Alfred's eat^. I wrote it 
myself ; disguised hand, of course. Oh, she'll never know 
it's from me ! 

Alf. In that case, I've no doubt she'll be delighted to 
get it. 

Bend. No, I hardly think so, as it informs her that I 
have an appointment to-day, at the park, near the marble 
arch. 

Alf. It does ! You mean — a lady ? 

[Bender nods emphatically., looking very jovial and 
pleased., and walks around a little, whistling. 
But, my dear Mr. Bender — 

Bend. (r. c). Perfectly true. (A'ods significantly^ I 
have an appointment — but not at the park. 

Alf. (l. c). Where ? 

[READY Josephine, to enter r. 3 e. 

Bend, {confidentially). Here. 

Alf. By Jove ! [Bender nods, and walks as before. 

Who is the — the other party, if 1 may ask? 

[Bender stops., turns to Alfred. Motions signifi- 
cantly toward FiFi's door., l. 3. 
Not — not the opera singer ! 

Bend, {finger to lips). Sh ! Yes. 

Alf. {lifter regardifig Bender an instant^. I low very rapid 
you are for an elderly man. 



7t All tbc Comfom of Borne. 

Bend. {\\.\ pleased). I — I did Miss Fifi a little favor, 
you know ; and out of gratitude she has invited me to a — 
ahem — a champagne breakfast. That is, she furnishes the 
invitation, and I — furnish the breakfast. 

Alk. And in the meantime, Mrs. Bender goes to waylay 
you "i 

Bend, {taking r.). At the marble arch. 

[Alfred stares in astonishment. Bender pauses 
an instant, then paces restlessly up to c. Alfred 
crosses to R. 
Now, what the deuce delays that mail .'' 

\_Door of room r. 3 opens. 
Careful, now ! 

[Bender down, meeting Josephine. ENTER Jose- 
phine, dressed for calling. Crosses doum L. 
Why, Josephine, love, are you going — anywhere in par- 
ticular } [READ Y Toi\r, to enter l. 2 e. 
Jos. (l.). Do you forget that we were to make several 
calls to-day with our dear Alfred and Evangeline .'' 
Alf. (r.). Oh, Heavens! 

\READ Y double knock, up r. door. 

Bender. 
Alfred. 

Josephine. 

Jos. (l.). Alfred, dear, not dressed yet ? 

Alf. (r.). Well, it seemed to me — that — er — the 
weather — 

Jos. Why, the weather is perfect. 

Alf. Yes; but the — the reports say there's another 
blizzard on the way from America. {Holding up a news- 
paper.) Do you know what a frightful thing a blizzard from 
America is ? 

Jos. No ; and I don't care, (Severely.) We are to 
make these calls. 



flii m Comfom of fiomc. 7^ 

[Alfred stands afi instant /ooking at her. Bender 
smothers a laugh^ but quickly catches himself^ and 
looks solemn. Alfred turns a?id goes to door r. 2. 
Alf. {at door r. 2 ; aside). Anything but calling on her 
relatives ! {Turns and looks at Josephine. She is still look- 
ing at hiitt. He at once exits into his room r. 2.) 

Jos. (l. ; looks severely at Bender). Theodore, you are 
to come with us. 

Bend. (r.). I? Oh, of course — of course. {Aside.) 

Now what is the matter with that d d postman ! 

\^ENTER Tom l. 2, with a de7nijoh7i and several 
bottles. He goes rapidly across .^ up r. 
Jos. Thomas ! Thomas ! 

Tom {lip R.). Yes'm — one minute, mum. {Up r., and 
puts things doian. Turns to Josephine.) 
Jos. Come here. 
Tom. I am here, mum. 

\Double k7iock of Postman., door up r. 
Bend, {start of relief). Tom — letters. 
Tom {going to door up r.). Quite right, sir. (Tom disap- 
pears a7i i7ista7it. Reiu7'7is at once.) 

[Bender flls time 7vith a pleased S7nile a7id glance 
at Josephine. 
{Goes quickly to Bender.) Paper for you, sir. {Down c.) 
Bend. {alar77ied). Is that — all.? 

Tom {goes to Josephine). Letter fur you, mum. {Goes 
up R. and sta7ids a 77wment.) 

[Josephine takes it., and bus. of opening. 

Bend, {sits l. of r. table., openi7ig the paper., a7id looking 

over the top at Josephine ; aside., chucklitig). That's the one. 

[Josephine looks up. Bender bus. of insfa7itly opc/i- 

ing a7id plu7igi7ig into his paper. 

Tom (c. ; aside). Ge-Whiffles ! The old duck's got 

somethin' on hand again ; I kin tell it every time. {EXIT 

up R. to L.) 



$0 Jill t\K Comfcm cf l)omc. 

Jos. (l.). What wretched writing ! {Reads.) 
Bend. (r. ; aside). Sorry she doesn't like it. 

\^READ Y Alfred, to enter r. 2 e. 
Jos. {reads). " Respected Madam. Pray do not con- 
sider me too presuming, but I think it my duty to — warn 
you." {She looks closer^ ififerested.) What's this ! {Reads 
more excitedly^ repeating aloud only the important parts?) " At 
Hyde Park, Marble Arch, between ten and eleven o'clock — 
A well-meaning Friend." Ah ! {Subdued gasp., droppi?ig the 
letter to the floor ^ 

[Bender has had his eye on Josephine over or under 
his paper during above. 
Bend, {rises to Josephine, laying aside paper). Now, what 
they wanted to send me that for — er — Good Heavens, 
Josephine ! {As if Jioticing her strained expression.) No un- 
pleasant news, I hope .'' 

Jos. (l. ; starts. Assumes a smile wJiich is rather ghastly). 
Oh, no. Very pleasant — very — ha, ha ! Yes. 

Bend, (r., as if suspicious). Um ! Looks like a man's 
handwriting. 

Jos. {assut?ied indifference). Does it ? {Smiles.) 
Bend, {assumijig so?ne 7var7nth). I said it did. 
Jos. Oh — really ! 

[Bender makes a motion as if to pick the letter 
up ; Josephine, luiih suddefi exclamation of alarm., 
snatches it from floor. They stand looking at each 
other. Tableau for an instant. 
Bend. (r. c). There's something in that letter. 
Jos. (L. c). That's quite possible, as you didn't write it. 
Bend. Your actions are very suspicious, madam. {Bus.) 
I'd have you understand that, as your husband, I have a 
right — 

ENTER Alfrkd, r. 2, dressed for calling. He 
stops on seeing situation. 
{Aside. Turning a^vny. Chuckles.) 



Jill m eomforts of l)omc. $i 

Jos. (crosses to Alfred, r. To Alfred, very pleasantly^ 
yet showing the bitter feeling beneath). Oh, Alfred, I have 
changed my plans a little ; I feel a headache coming on — 
and {glances at Bender) — 

Josephine. 
Alfred. 

Bender. 

and — I think I'd better lie down quietly for a little while. 

[^READY Evangeline, to enter r. 3 e. 
Bend, (approaching Josephine ; speaks sympathetically). 
Oh, my dear Josephine, I — 

[Josephine shoots a glance at Bender which stops 
hint instantly. 
Jos. (c. ; to Alfred). You and Evangeline are to go to 
the Dickermans' without me, and I will call there for you 
later. 

Bend. (l.). Oh, so we aren't to go with them ? In that 
case, my dear, I will take the opportunity to call on an old 
business friend of mine in Upton Street. 

Jos. (looking calmly and stonily at Bender). You will 
call on an old business friend of yours in Upton Street ? 
Bend. Yes. You remember Barton Briggs ? Dear old 
fellow ! Shall I give him your regards ? 

Jos. Oh, do. By all means. (Shoiving saTagcncss in 
spite of herself) Give the dear old fellow my regards. 

[READ V Tom, to enter up r. 

Bend, (crosses up to r. u. d. Cheerfully). Yes, my angel, 

I will. Good-bye for a little while. (EXIT up r., ivhistling 

or humming ; can get hat and cane up R. if he cannot easily 

arrange to bring them on at e?it ranee.) 

Jos. (takifig-L.; looking after him. Aside'). Oh, the hypo- 
crite ! (Going up c.) 

ENTER Evangeline, r. 3, very tastefully dressed. 
Alfred to c. Kvangkline doicn on his r. 



$2 M tbe Comforts of l)omc. 

Alf. (^(^i'^ig quickly to Evangeline). My little darling, 
how enchanting you look ! 

Evan. (r. c. ; looking up to him ; pleased). Do I ? (^Bus. 
7i>ith gloves^ tic.) But you ought not to say so, you know. 

Alf. (c). Can't help it. (Alfred ^/^//r^j- «/ Josephine, 
and seeing her turned a^aay, steals a kiss fro?n Evangeline. 
Bus.) [Josephine turns quickly a7id comes dow?i l. 

Evan. (r. c). Where is papa ? 

Jos. (l. ; significantly). He has gone to call upon a dear 
old business friend. 

Evan. (r.). But I thought — 

\^READ Y Bender, to enter up r. 
Jos. No matter what you thought. Come — we will 
start. {Goes up r. a little^ 

Alf. (c). Start! Aren't you going to lie down after 
all ? [Alfred and Evangeline go up r. 

Jos. I have decided it would be better for me to take 
the air. 
Alf. Oh ! 

[Josephine suddenly turns, as if she had thought of 
something. Marches doum to her door, r. 3, and 
reaching in, gets afi umbrella. ENTER Tom up 
R. from L. He comes dow?i a little l., looking at 
the party. Alfred and Evangeline 7vatch Jo- 
sephine's 7novei7iefits. Josephine walks back up 
R., carrying umbrella with peculiar fierceness of 
man7ier. Tom, who was coming slo7vly doivn, slides 
back off to L. c, watching Josephine with evide?it 
concerji. 
Evan, (surprised). But, mamma, dear, you don't want an 
umbrella to-day ! 

Tom. 
D. R. 3. e., Josephine. 

Evangeline. Alfred. 



All the eomrom of Borne. tJ 

Jos. {turning at door tip R.) Oh, I don't know about that. 
The report says there's a bUzzard coming from America, and 
it's just as well to be prepared. {Marches out up "s^.^ gripping 
the umbrella ferociously.) 

Evan, {looking at Alfred). What does she mean, Alfred ? 

Alf. She means business. 

\EXEUNT Ki.Y^Y.Yi and Evangeline, up r. 

Tom {gives a whistle indicative of " whe2v I "). Ge-Whiffles, 
but ef it's old Bender she's got in her mind, they'll have to 
bring 'im 'ome in baskets ! {EXIT, up r. to l.) 

ENTER Bender, door up r. 

Bend, {coming c). Everything is working like a charm ! 
My wife safely down the street, and making a bee-line for 
Hyde Park. I hope she'll enjoy the walk. If she doesn't 
— 'hem — perhaps she'll enjoy the walk back. {Chuckles.) 
ENTER Tom up r., from l., 7c>ith two bottles of 
champagne. Crossing to door l. 2 e. 
Ah, Tom ! {Meeting Tom up l. c.) 

Tom (l. c). Yes, sir! 

Bend. (r. c). They are to send in a little breakfast from 
Torino's. When it comes, take care of it. 

\_READY knock and Yoice up r. d. 

Tom (l. c). I've had breakfast, sir. 

Bend. (r. c). No, no! It's for Miss Oritanski. Ha, ha! 
{Chuckles.) I am invited to join her. I say— I suppose 
there's no objection — to — 'hem — a — quiet little breakfast 

here ? 

Tom. None whatsomever, sir. We aims to give our 
lodgers "all the comforts of home." 

Bend. Good ! When it comes, just take it to her room. 

Tom. She locked it up, sir, when she went out. 

Bend, {thunderstruck). Went — went out ! 

Tom. Yes, sir. 

Bend. Where ? 

Tom. To the theatre, sir. She had a sudden call for re- 



$4 Jill fl)c eomforts of 1)omc. 

hearsal — somebody sick. She told me to tell you as she 
was werry sorry indeed — werry sorry. 

Bend. Why — confound it — I was to breakfast with her ! 
Why — {iS speechless with vexation). 

\_Kfiock outside, up r. Tom rushes up r., and EXIT ^. 
That's probably the breakfast. What infernal, confounded, 
outrageous luck ! 

SPREAD Y Alfred to enter up r. c. ENTER Tom 
with breakfast hamper, which he sets 7iear FiFi's 
door, L. 3, on a chair. This hamper should contain 
tivo bottles of champagne (one may be a dummy), 
sofne very fancily done up French chops, a salad 
dressed in the highest style of art, and other fancy 
dishes. Rolls, wine-glasses, knives, plates, nap- 
kins, etc., for two ; and two bunches of flowers for 
button-hole a?id corsage. The salads and fancy 
dishes fnay be dummies ; chops, rolls, champagne, 
and two or three small things should be practical 
for business. 
{Looking dubiously at the breakfast^ What the deuce can 
I do.? 

Tom {coming down l.). Ef it wuz me, sir, I'd hop into a 
cab an' drive to the theatre. 

Bend. Good idea. {Goes up r.) I'll do it. {EXIT 
quickly up R.) 

Tom (l. c, looking after Bender). Ef he'd a seen his 
ole lady a-goin' out with that there umbrella o' hern, he'd 
be takin' a cab for the railway station. 

[Knock up r. d. Tom goes up to d. r. and EXI2'. 
Voice {outside). Telegram, sir. 
Tom {outside). Telegram ? 
Voice {outside). Yes,, sir. 

ENTER Tom with telegram, up r. 

Tom {do7c>n l. c, reads add?'ess). To Alfred Hastin's, Esq. 

Ge-Whiffles ! Ef people aint commencin' a-telegraphin' fur 



m m Comforts of Rome. ts 

rooms ' This here house is gittin' pop'lar. (J'u/s envelope 
in his pocket:) ■ ENTER Alfred hastily, up r. 

Alf. (r. c). See here, Tom ! Miss Bender dropped her 
bracelet — she thinks it was in this room. Help me look, 
quick ! 

Tom (l. c.)- Yes, sir. 

[Alfred and'Yoisi look about on floor. 

Alf. (r., seeiJig envelope sticking out ofTou's pocket). What 

have you got there ? yr • / 

Tom (l., quickly handing envelope — inn ocetit and official 

manner, as )f he had Just arrived with if). Telegram for you, 

sir. 

Alf. (snatching and opening it). Good Heavens, why 

didn't you say so ! 

Tom. I did, sir. I just said so. 

[Alfred hastily opens, and reads telegram. READ V 

bell, l. 

Alf. Good Heavens ! 

[Tom stares at Alfred an instant. 

Tom {without emotio7i). Anybody dead, sir ? 
Alf. Yes — we're dead. 
Tom. Wen is the funeral ? 

Alf You'd better get ready for it now. My aunt is 
coming home. {Reads dispatch.) " Sent from Venice. Mr. 
Pettibone gone to Hamburg on business. Am commg home 
with Emily. Must see you. Very important matter. Rosa- 
belle Pettibone." {Sits down on chair R., overcome) 

[Tom goes and sits on the ottoman, l. 
(Alfred suddenly Jumps up.) Here — get me some paper — 
quick now — no time to waste. 

(Alfred fakes stylograph ic pen frojn his pocket.) 

Tom {Ju7nping up). Yes, sir ! {Snatches paper, etc., from 

desk, L. Bus.) [READ Y Fifi, to enter up r. 

Alf. {seated l. of r. tabh). I'll try to stop them. Not 

much chance, but I'll try. {Writes quickly, reading aloud) 



$^ J\\\ tbc eomforts of l)ome. 

'' Mrs. Egbert Pettibone, Venice. In mercy's sake, don't 
come. Impossible. Dangerous. House — (^Yimks.) 
What the devil can I say is the matter with the house ? 

Tom. Burnt down. 

Alf. Hang it, they'd come all the sooner ! 

To.M. Blown up. (Bt'/Z l. 2 e.) Oh, that nervous galoot 
has ordered more wine. (Tom rushes off with the two bottles, 
L. 2 E.) 

Alf. Oh, no — no. Ah ! ( Wi'ites rapidly^ " House 
just painted. Painter's colic. Pipes burst. Influenza epi- 
demic. Small-pox next door. Alfred." . (Bus.) Here, 
quick, Tom ! ENTER Tom l. 2 e. 

Telegraph office ! {Rising and hurrying Tom /// toward 
door R.). Run all the way ! 

Tom (starts up r.). Yes, sir. {Stops c.) Pay it, sir ? 

Alf. No, hang it ! Collect. 

Tom. Correct! {EXIT door up v..) 

Alf. They'll never get it. {Looks at his telegram^ N — 
probably started already. Only one thing to do. Get our 
lodgers out — and Evangeline — and Emily — {Crosses to 
L.) Oh, the deuce ! {Turns to c.) And how in Heaven's 
name I am to evict my parents-in-law, is more than I — 

ENTER Fifi door up r., comijig down l. c. Jauntily 
dressed. A little love of a bonftef, gloves, etc. 
{Aside.) And here's another one. Oh, Lord, if my aunt 
should find her here ! {Crosses to r.) I must get her out 
first. 

Fifi (l. c, very bright aiid vivacious). Ah, Doctor, how 
charmed I am to meet you ! {Begifis to take off gloves^ 

Alf. (r. c). Thanks, I'm sure. 

Fifi. Dear me! {Imitati7ig his tone?) "Thanks, I'm 
sure." Something gone wrong with my fascinating landlord ? 

Alf. Your fascinating landlord has a confession to 
make. 

Fifi (/;/ mock alarm, motioning hi?n to stop with one ha7id, 



Jill the eotnfom of l)onic. $7 

a?id going toward her door). Mercy, please don't, doctor ! 
{Takes key and unlocks door l. 3.) At least not until I've 
had something to sustain me. This dreadful rehearsal made 
me miss a most delightful breakfast that — {Sees hamper 
near her door. Goes to it.) Ah ! {De/ighted.) Why, it's 
here ! Poor Mr. Bender ! {Laughs merrily.) He couldn't wait. 

Alf. But, my dear Miss Oritanski — 

FiFi {almost screams with sudde?i idea). Oh, stop ! You 
shall breakfast with me. 

Alf. But, my dear Miss Oritanski — 

FiFi. There — there — that will do. That table {point- 
ing up c), bring it down here. 

[^Business. Fifi stafnps foot. Alfred does fwt 
notice what she says. 

Fifi. Bring that table here. [Alfred drags table dowfi 
as if not knowiiig what he is doi?ig, all the time trying to speak. 
Through the whole scene Alfred acts as if unconscious of what 
he is about. No sig?i of the slightest enjoyment or spirit ap- 
pears. Acts inechanically . 

(Fifi places hafnper on ottoman^ instantly going to 

7i>ork to get things out, throwing table-cloth to 

Alfred.) 

Spread it out — spread it out ! [Alfred does so. 

And then you can confess all you like. An immense saving 

of time. Breakfast — confess — all in one. 

Alf. (r. of the table; going nearer). But, my dear young 
lady — {Back of the ottoman^ 

Fifi {pushing something into his hand). Just put that 
there. {Flies about. Bus. quick. Vivacious.) 

Alf. {puts article i?i ivrong place on tabic, not knoiving 
where). You don't understand — what I was going to — 

Fifi. No, no ! not there. There ! {Changes it.) Oh, 
dear ! you're not much assistance, I must say ! That goes 
there. {Bus. of putting another article into his hand.) Tliat's 
it ! You actually got that right ! 



$$ JFIil tbc Comforts of l>omc. 

Alf. {l>us.). Now, Miss Oritanski, — listen. 'I'his is a 
matter of vital importance. 

FiFi. If you want a matter of vital importance, open this 
(tossing bottle of i/uufipagfie to Alfred, and corkscreiv from 
liamper). 

Alf. {uitc/ies bottle). But look here, there's no time to 
lose. 

FiFi. Well — I'm not losing any, am I ? 

Alf. (aside). By Jove, I should say not ! (Holds bottle 
mechanicall}\ as he caught it.) 

FiFL You're the one that's losing time. \A'hy don't you 
open it ? 

Alf. Open what ? \¥iy\ poifits to bottle. 

Oh, you want that opened .'' 

Fifl Of course, Mr. Stupid. 

Alf. But first — 

Fifl Nothing first. I won't hear a word, unless you do 
as I say. 

Alf. Oh, Lord ! (Opens bottle as if it were a iiiiisa?ice.) 

FiFi (gets chair from up c. and pushes Alfred into it r. of 
table ; then kneels herself on back of the ottoman close to the l. 
of table). That's it ! you're coming to your senses at last. 

[READ V Evangeline, to enter up r. 

Alf. (bus. ivith bottle). On the contrary, I am losing 

them. 

riFi. 

Ottoman. 

Alfred. Table. 

FiFi. There! (Fijiishes setting table.) 

Alf. But you said you'd listen if — 

FiFi. There ! (Bus. of delicately giving Alfred a French 
chop 7vith her fingers.) Just try this. It's from Torino's. I 
know it by the style. 

[Alfred, confused an instant, holds chop. 
Eat it. You don't know how nice it is. 



Jill iDe Comforts of l)omc. $9 

[Alfred seatet/, confusai, laith the chop in ofie hafiif, 
and chiunpagne bottle in the other. 
Pour the wine, why don't you ? [Alfred /^wz-j- wine hi glass. 
Pour it ! Ah, isn't that lovely ! You'll feel better in a 
moment. 

Alf. (jisiiie). Good Heavens — I must stop this ! 

EN^TER Evangeline up r. Stops Jiorrified^ on see- 
ing Alfred and Fifi. 

MUSIC. — Pathetic ; sympathetic ; pp. again until 
stop cue. 

' Fifi {lioldi7ig up glass of champagju^. Happy days, doctor ! 
Alf. But first — 

Evangeline. 

Fifi. 
Alfred. Table. Ottoman. 
Fifi. No, no ! Happy days first ! Happy days, doctor ! 
then, perhaps, I'll listen. 

Alf. (jjuickly, as if to get through with it). Happy days, 
then. Any kind of days you like. {^Drinks quickly.) 

[Fifi drains glass. 
Fifi. That's just exquisite, isn't it ? 
Alf. Now, will you listen 1 

Fifi (^ picks up a rose or other flower). Ah, how sweet! 
This is for your button-hole. (^Bus. of reaching over to put it 
in Alfred's coat?) 

Alf. {catchijig Fifi's hand). You must listen, now. I 
have something to ask you — and you will promise not to 
refuse me. My happinesss depends upon it. It may be my 
life-long happiness. You will not refuse me when you know 
how much — 

Evan, {cries out). Oh ! (Sinks swooning on chair back of 

table r. [Alfred springs to his feet and looks round. 

MUSIC. — Stcell for Evangeline ; bus. Doivn 

again very pp. for dialogue, getting change of 

effect. 



90 



Jill the £otttfoti$ of l)onte. 



Alf. i^risi/ig). Evangeline ! (^Hastens to her.) 

FiFi {aside ; 7iot rising). Ah, a little love episode ! {Goes 
on with her breakfast trauqiiilly.) 

Alf. What a cursed coincidence ! 

FiFi. Yes, doctor. It was unfortunate, I admit. 

Alf. Evangeline ! 

[Evangeline revives. Rises with difficulty. Alfred 
tries to assist her, but she will tiot permit it. ~ 

Fifi (aside). I'm almost sorry for the little innocent. 
{Dri7iks champag?ie cheerfully.) 

[Evangeline 7valks slowly and iveakly toward her 
door, R. 3. Alfred again tries to assist her, but 
she repulses him. 

Evan. {Inis. ; weakly). No ! 

Alf. Believe me, I am innocent ! 

Fifi {^rising fro?n otto??ian ; aside). O, yes, they are always 
innocent. 

Alf. You are mistaken, if you think — that I — that we 
— {To Fifi.) Miss Oritanski, I beg you to tell her how it 
was. [READY Josephine, to e7iterup r. 

Fifi. My dear doctor {wiping her fingers daintily with 
napkin, and tossing it doiV7i), I would be charmed to do so — 
charmed {77ioves backward to her door, l. 3) ; but there's one 
quite serious objection — the young lady evidently saw how 
it was herself. {EXIT into her 7-oo7n, l. 3.) 

Alf. {realizi7ig that Fifi has made 77iatters a hu7idred ti7nes 
worse). Good Heavens ! {Tur7is to Evangeline i7i despera- 
tion?) Evangeline 1 You must listen, my darling. 

Evan, {at her door, r. 3). No — I would rather not — 
now — 

Alf. But, my darling, you must hear me ! You must 
listen, Evangeline, for I can explain exactly how — how — 

Evan. Yes, of course you have excuses. But, O Alfred! 
what difference could it make — what difference could any- 
thing make — when I saw {voice full of emotio7i) — the. dread- 



Jill m eomforis Of 1)omc. 91 

ful affair — with my own eyes ? {Tunis^ and EXIT at door 
R, 3). \_Stop music. 

Alf. Oh, this is a crime — this is — this is simply — oh 
— impacts back and forth once). I can't stand it — I — I'll go 
and walk the streets. {Starts up r. Stops, tistening at door.) 
Mrs. Bender ! I hear her familiar panting on the stairs. 
(Starts doivn r. Stops.) I can't meet her now. I'll walk 
the streets some other time. (Stops down r.) I must get 
this out of the way. (Moves the table back.) They'll be sure 
to look for me in my room. (Crosses l.) Dabney's room ! 
That's the thing ! [EXIT l. 2 into Dabney's roo?n. 

Dabney's voice heard i?i. incohere?it revelry as Alfred 
goes in. ENTER Josephine, door up r., with um- 
b7'eUa ; puts it i?i hat-rack up l. c. Very excited, 
exhausted, disarranged, dusty, bedraggled, hot, and 
out of b?'eath. She looks fiercely around the room. 
The?i drops iftto a chair l. of R. table. 
Jos. No one there. Not a sign — not a vestige of the 
man — or of any one looking for him, excepting me — I was 
looking for him — tramping up and down around that miser- 
able Arch — in all the heat — and dust — and noise. Oh, 
there's something at the bottom of all this ! 

[Dabney's voice heard outside l. 2 e. 
What can be going on in there ? (Rises to go.) 

[Evangeline opens door r. 3 a little. 
Is that you, Evangeline ? Come here ! 

[Evangeline comes on at r. 3, giving an anxious 
glance about the roo?n. Her eyes are red from iveep- 
i?ig, and she is very pale. Co7ncs doivn r. of Jo- 
sephine. 
Why, my child — why Evangeline — what has happened ? 

[Josephine rises and meets Evangeline. 
Evan. (r. c). Oh, nothing! (Wipes a tear away quickly^ 

[^READ y Bender, to enter up r. 
Jos. (l. c). Where is Alfred "i 



^2 m m €omfort$ of l)omc. 

Evangeline ///es to speak. Cafmot. Shakes head. 
Suddenly buries head on Josephine's breast or 
shoulder. 
Something has gone wrong. You have quarrelled. 

Evan, {shakes head iiegatively ; raises head a little). We 
have parted — forever. {Head doiv7i again ^ and stifled sobs.) 
Jos. This is all foolishness. One of you is to blame. If 
it's Alfred, then he must apologize. If it's you — 'hem — he 
must apologize just the same. 

Evan, {shaking head e?7iphatically). No! I never — want 
to see him again {raises head), mamma. He left me — at the 
Dickermans' — to look for my lost bracelet — and I found 
him here — breakfasting with the opera singer. Yes, and 
worse than breakfasting. 
Jos. Worse ! 

Evan. Hundreds and hundreds of times worse. He was 
— he was holding her hands — and telling her — that — 
that — Oh ! 

{Breaks down ajid sobs on Josephine's shoulder?) 
Jos. I must look into this. 

Evan. It won't — do any good — I've looked into it. 
That was enough. 

ENTER Bender /// r., rushing in hurriedly and 
excitedly. 
Bend, {as he crosses dotvfi to l.). Not at the theatre ! 
Where the dev — Thunder and lightning — my wife! 
{Doivn L.) 

[Josephine leads Evangeline to door r. 3 in sile?ice, 
and ^notions her to go in. EXIT Evangeline 
R. 3. Josephine turf is a?id faces Bender. 
{Trying to cojtimand a cheerful tone.) Ah, my angel ! Been 
out — or just going ? 

Jos. {coming back to r. c). I have a few words to say to 
you. [Bender looks a trifle app7-ehensive. 

{Taking letter from pocket and exte?iding it toward him.) Do 
you see this ? 



Jill the Comforts of l)ome. 93 

Bend. (l. c. ; rather weakly). Oh, yes — I — I see it. {As 
Josephine still holds it out, he takes it.) Looks like the one 
you snatched up so nervously this morning. 

Jos. (r. c). Jt is. 

Bend. (l. c). Ah! May I — read it .^ 

Jos. May you read it "^ 

Bend, {slight start). I believe I — suggested — 

Jos. {commafidingly). Read it. 

Bend. (i.. c. ; quite subdued). Yes — that was the idea 
that I — 

[Josephine motions him. He stops. He reads the 
letter calmly. 

Jos. (r. c. ; watching closely. Aside). He does not move 
an eye-lash. He is innocent. [BENDER7f«/j//<?j' letter. 

{Aloud:) Well ? 

Bend. Quite amusing, my 'dear. {Hands her the letter^) 
Ha, ha, ha ! {Rather a forced laugh.) 

Jos. Yes, isn't it? Ha, ha, ha ! {Rather a bitter laugh.) 

Bend. I only wish you had gone there. 

Jos. I did go there. 

Bend. (l.). Ha.'' You really went ? Ha, ha, ha! Then 
I wish I'd gone. 

Jos. (r.). What ! 

Bend, {seriously'). No — that is, only to see you, my love 
— to see you enjoy yourself. 

Jos. Oh ! {Though still froiuning darkly, she is somewhat 
mollified. She tu?-ns and looks toward Alfred's door, r. \,as 
if ivith a nc7v thought. After looking sharply at Bender.) 
Theodore, do you think I do not know who wrote that let- 
ter ? {Shaking letter in hand.) 

Bend, {blaiikly). You — you don't say! 

Jos. (r.). I do say — and I say that the person is not 
ten steps from me at this instant. 

Bend, (l., beginning to shoiv considerable alarm, though he 
turns so that Joski'HINK docs not ohscr: c it. Aside.) My soul 1 



^ Jill tbc €omfom of l)omc. 

Jos. Now, shall I tell you why this person wrote it ? 

Bend, {t /lo rough /y unnerved and aghast). Oh — er — per- 
haps there's no need of going into that, my dear. 

Jos. {hoti}'). There is need of going into that. He wrote 
it, Bender, to get me out of the way, so that he could enjoy 
a breakfast tete-a-tete here with our comic opera young 
woman {pointing to L. 3, indig?ianily). 

Bend, {aside). There's no escape from this, but to con- 
fess and beg forgiveness. {Aloud.) My dear, I shall have 
•to admit — 

Jos. I don't want you to admit. I want you to act. 

[Bender stares with blafikface at Josephine. 

Bend, {after bus.). Where would you like to have me act? 

Jos. Here ! 

[Bender stares again. The7i gives a?i uncertain 
glance around the room. 

Bend, {after bus., weakly^. Here ? 

[READ Y noise ; and Alfred to enter l. 2 e. 

Jos. Here ; and now you must see him. 

Bend. See — w^hom ? 

Jos. Stupid, stupid ! Alfred, of course — who wrote this 
letter — got me out of the way — left Evangeline at the 
Dickermans', and then came here and breakfasted and 
flirted with this creature from the theatre. {Walks about.) 

'B^.^i). {l. c.-^ suddenly comJ>rehe7iding). Eh! {Looks about 
savagely.) My breakfast ! My — {stamps foot in indigna- 
tion^ after seeing the remains of the breakfast?) 

Jos. (r. c. ; turfiing quickly). What ! 

Bend, {recovering himself and coming down l. c). My — 
son-in-law, I say. 

Jos. Isn't it shameful ! {Going up to d. r. 3 e.) 

Bend, {cross i?ig down r.). Shameful ? It's — it's beyond 
words. 

Jos. {at door R. 3). Come here. Evangeline will tell you 
everything. 



Jfil tbe eomfom of l)ome. 95 

Bend, {going up to l. of Josephine). Yes, my dear. 
{Aside.) Saved for the present — but how the deuce will 
it end ? [_jVo/sl's as before outside L. 2. ENTER Alfred l. 2. 

Alf. {turjiiiig and stafting quickly toward door up r.). 
Now, to get out before — 

Jos. {co7nmandijigly^ to c). Wait ! 

[Alfred stops and stands near l. c. Josephine 
jnotions Bender tofoHoiv, and goes toward Alfred'. 
My husband has something to say to you. 

{Indicates to Bender to go on.) 

Bend. (r. of Josephine ; aside ; in agony). If I abuse 
him, he'll betray me. 

Jos. (c). Come, come ! [Alfred looks away an instant. 

Bend. 'Hem ! {Crosses to Alfred, trying to assume a^ 
severity of attitude and expression^ Sir — 

[Alfred turns to Bender. Bender i/istantly melts. 
{ Very meekly?) Sir — I said — sir — 

Bender. Alfred. 

Josephine. 

Alf. (l.). Well.? What is it? 

Bend. (c. ; turning to Josephine). He wants to know 
what it is. 

Jos. (r.). Pooh ! 

Bend, {to Alfred). Yes, pooh ! Now, you mustn't take 
offence, my boy — 

Jos. {catching Bender by sleeve or s/ioulder). Stop ! If 
you can't do better, V\\ interfere. 

Bend, {aside). Oh — that would end c\erything ! He'd 
let it all out. {To Alfred.) Your — your behavior, sir, 
was — er — 

Jos. {to Bender, spitefully ). Outrageous ! 

Bend, {rather tamely). Outrageous. 

Jos. {to Bender). Ungentlemanly ! 

Bend. Um — 'hem ! {'Turns to Jt)SKPMi\K.) Eh ? 

Jos. {to Bender). \\'c are furious at you ! 



96 Jill iiK Comfom of l)ottic. 

Bend. Yes, we are. (Tame/j.) Very furious. 

Jos. {speaking directly to Alfred). You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself — engaged to one lady, and flirting 
and breakfasting with another. 

Bend, {ivith s.iddefi animation and seriousness). Yes — 
breakfasting wath another — at my ex — er — 'hem ! {Sud- 
den/y checks himself^ 

Alfred puts both hands on his shoulders, and checks 
Bender suddenly. Josephine has turned away 
for the instant. 

Alf. Mrs. Bender, I have flirted with no one — break- 
fasted with no one. I simply — 

Jos. {quickly^. What — you dare to deny it? Mercy on 
us ! Perhaps you will go so far as to deny that you sent me 
this letter .'' {Bus. Crosses to Alfred.) 

Alf. (l.). Letter ? I — sent .^ {Looks at Josephine and 
then at Bender.) 

Bend. (r. ; aside.. Sits on the left corner of r. table). Now 
is my time to die. 

Jos. (c. ; pushing letter into Alfred's hands). Take the 
vile fabrication ! Take it ! 

Alf. (l. ; aside). His letter! (Z^^/'jt ^?/ Bender.) Jove! 
I have an idea — I'll do it ! For Evangeline's sake, I'll do 
it! 

Jos. (c). No wonder you are speechless ! 

Alf. ('l.X No — I can't be expected to say much — • 
under the circumstances. 

Jos. Then you did write it ? 

Alf. {nonchalantly). O yes. 

Jos. {almost a scream of triumph). Ah ! {To Bender.) I 
told you ! 

[Bender stands an instant paralyzed. Alfred 
sta7ids ic'ith bowed head. 
{To Bender.) Did you hear what he said ? He confessed it 1 

Bend. Confessed — that — he — ? 



Jfll m €omfom of 1)ome. 97 

Jos. Yes. [Bender goes to Alfred precipitately. 

{TJwiMjig Bender viavis to assault Alfred.) Oh ! {Catch- 
ing Bender by the arvi?) 

Bend. (c. ; aside to Alfred). You jewel ! 

Jos. (r. ; seizing hold of Bender). No violence, Theodore ! 

Bend, {to Josephine). Unhand ma, Josephine ! This is 
my affair. 

Alf. (l. ; qicick aside to Bender). That's it ! Play the 

indignant. 

Bend. (c. ; violently). So — you Avere the cowardly wretch 
who stooped to such a villainous, underhand trick as this. 
Fie ! — {Threateningly >) I say — Fie ! 

Alf. {aside to Bender). Go on. Fie some more. 

]os. {aside). Dear me ! I'm afraid Theodore will do him 
some injury. I must reconcile them. 

Bend. Is nothing on earth sacred to you ? Neither my 
stainless past nor the future welfare of my innocent child ? 
{Advancing upon Alfred. Very threateningly) Have you 
forgotten that a father's — 

Jos. Theodore, you must not forget yourself ! 

Bend. I will forget myself ! I forget everything but the 
vengeance that is due — 

- [Josephine rushes around hctiveen the two men, with 

a cry of alarm. 

Jos. {putting Bender across to her r.). No, you shall not 
hurt him! ITABLEAU. 

(c. ; to Alfred.) Have you no excuse to offer for your con- 
duct, Alfred ? Nothing to say ? 

Alf. (l.). My dear Mrs. Bender, believe me, I was not 
taking a breakfast with the lady— I only happened to be 

there. 

Bend. (r. ; aside). I wish I'd happened to be there. 

Jos. (c). Well, I will try to believe what you say. Time 
brings all things to light. 

Bend. (r. ; aside). I hope it won't this time. 



^ Jill tDc Comforts of 1)ome. 

Jos. (c). So I will do what I can to reconcile Evan- 
geline. But first you must beg my husband's pardon. 

Alf. (l.). What ? O yes — of course. (7b Bender.) 
You'll overlook it, I trust ? 

[Bender stands stonily^ partly turtiing his back, and 
folds his ar?)is. 
Jos. (c). Theodore, you must forgive him. 
Bend. (r. ; shakes head'). He has wronged me too deeply. 
[Josephine, bus, of putting Alfred's hand in Ben- 
der's, and going up to d. r. 3 e. 
Jos. Now, make up and be friends. 

[ Josephine nods encouragi/ig/y, and EXIT into her 
r 00771, R. 3. 
Bend. (ru7i7ii7ig up to d. r. 3 e. Calling after Josephine.) 
Don't leave me alone with him — something will happen. 
\Bus. after sho/'t pause, of Bender and Alfred 
looki7ig arou7id cautiously, and the7i falli7ig i7ito 
each other'' s ar77is. 
{Effusively. Feeli7igly. W7'i7igi7ig Alfred's ha7ids.) My 
dear boy, I am overwhelmed with gratitude ! 

\^REAE>Y Josephine a7id Evangeline, to enter 
R. 3 E. 
Alf. (l. c, d7'ily). Well, by Jove, you ought to be ! She'd 
have torn you limb from limb. 

Bend. (r. c). Is there anything I can do for you in return ? 
Alf. Certainly. That's the precise reason I've done all 
this. You must do something in return. 
Bend. (r.). What is it .? 

Alf. (l.). Move out of the house with your family this 
very day. 

Bend. W^hat ? Move — move out ? 

Alf. And not only that, but you must persuade the 
opera singer to go. She's paid her rent, so I can't do any- 
thing. But you can. 

Bend. You're mad, my boy ! 



flii m Comfom of Borne. 99 

Alf. (l.). Not in the least — but I will be if you don't go. 

Bend. (r.). But how am I to — 

ENTER Josephine with Evangeline, r. 3. 

Josephine. Here she is, Alfred, ready to make peace 
with you. 

[Evangeline, 7vith eyes downcast., down r. c. Al- 
fred crosses to Evangeline. BENDERy^/V/jr Jose- 
phine up l. c. 

Alf. {going to Evangeline). Evangeline, I hope your 
mother has convinced 3^ou that there was a mistake. 

Evan. I knew there was a mistake — of some kind. 
(Evangeline, after a short struggle with herself , gives Alfred 
her hand.) I will try to forget it, Alfred, but I could not 
remain in the house — it would be impossible while that 
dreadful person is permitted to live here. 
' Alf. ^;/^/ Bend. What! {They exchange glances}) 

Evan. Oh, yes, she must go away ! Papa will have to 
see that she does it. And until then we will take rooms at 
the hotel near the corner of Southgate Street. It isn't far, 
you know. 

Alf. {aside). By Jove — if this isn't luck ! 

Evan, {crosses to Alfred and goes up c). Mamma and I 
have arranged it all — and I'm going over there now to 
engage the rooms. Perhaps — perhaps you would like to 
come with me. 

Alf. {going up to Evangeline). I shall be delighted. 
{Goes up r. to Evangeline.) Ah, Evangeline ! {Near door ; 
gets hold of her hand) You must believe me innocent of 
any — 

Evan, {finger to lips). Sh ! {Points to Fifi's room.) 

Alf. Oh, the deuce ! 

[^Xff^TVT" Evangeline and Alfred, door up r. 

Jos. {doicn r. c.). Well — you see what must be done. I 
could not pacify Evangeline in any other way. The woman 
must be got rid of. 



100 Jfll tl)c Comforts of l)omc. 

Bend, {(hnvn l. c). But it can't be done, my dear — 
she's paid in advance. 

[Josephine viakcs a slight stai-t. She gives Bender 
a quick look. Bender starts. Looks alarmed. 

Jos. {sternly). How do you know that t 

Bend. The fact is, Josephine, Alfred himself just spoke 
to me about getting her to leave. He asked me to — to 
help him arrange it. 

Jos. Oh, he did ! {Thinks.) Then we must do it. 

Bend. All very well to say — but how ? That's the 
question. 

Jos. If I only had some excuse, I could very soon make 
her pack up. 

Bend. Oh, yes. If you had some excuse. {Slight sneer.) 

Jos. {with sudden idea). Ah ! {Nods her head as if it 
would do.) Theodore, you shall furnish me one. 

Bend. I ? How can I — 

Jos. By making love to her. 

Bend. (/;/ an injured tone). Oh, my dear! 

Jos. No nonsense, now ! It is just the thing, and we 
will do it at once. {Glances around as if surveying the room.) 
You must meet her here — in this room — alone. You must 
be very attentive — in fact, affectionate. 

Bend. (l. c). Heavens, Josephine, what do you — ! 

Jos. (r. c). Sh ! You can do it. In the meantime I 
will use that small ladder and observe the whole affair from 
the transom there, over our door. {Points to d. r. 3 e.) 

Bend, {aside; alarmed). My soul! 

\^READ Y FiFi, to enter l. 3 e. 

Jos. At the proper time — just when it has gone far 
enough — I will scream, rush in, and make such a scene that 
the creature will be glad to escape with her life. 

Bend, {aside). I'll be glad to escape with mine. 

Jos. {going, taking the hamper off ottoman., and placing it on 
chair, r,, between the doors). This will work beautifully. 



Jlii the eottiforts of ijlome. loi 

Bend, {crosses down r, ; aside). Great Caesar! The opera 
singer will betray me. 

Jos. (/// L. Bus.). I read of just such a case in a book, 
and it worked beautifully. (Josephine knocks at Fifi's 
door, L. 3.) 

Bend, (r., to Josephine). Hold on — what — what are 
you doing ? 

Jos. (Jiurrying across to r. 3 e.). You have simply to do 
as I told you — leave the rest to me. 

{EXIT ^. 3, sJnitting the door after her carefully^ 

Bend, {going up and doivn c). Heavens and earth and 
— and the other place — I'm in for it now ! 

[Josephine appears at the trafisom over door r. 3, 
opetiing it. 

Jos. {at transom). Now, be careful. 

Bend, (c, with deep 7?ieaniug). I will. 

ENTER FiFi/rom her room., L. 3. 

FiFi {looking from door L. 3 e., inquiri7igly). Did any one 
knock ? {She sees Bender. Speaks ve?y S7veetly.) Oh, Mr. 
Bender, are you there ? {Coming down slowly in front of 
ottoma?i.) 

Bend. (c). Yes, I'm here. {A glance of misery to r.) I 
thought — ; perhaps — you'd join in a little — er — chat — 

FiFi (l.). a chat.? Oh, certainly. Nothing could be 
more charming. {Aside.) How awkward the man is. 

(FiFi sits L. c. on ottoman., facing to L.) 

Bend. {goi?ig round at back of ottoman, to l. Seating him- 
self L. of FiFi). Now, if she'll only keep quiet about the 
breakfast — and the dressmaker's bill ! 

Ottoman. 
FiFi. Bender. 

FiFi {laughs out merrily). Why, Mr. Bender, what is the 
matter with you to-day .? You don't seem like the same 
man I — {^READ Y McSnath, to enter up r. 

Bend, {quickly). 'Hem — 'hem — {coughs to cover up her 



102 Jill tbe eomfom of l)ome. 

remark). Oh, nothing, my dear ! I dare say you've heard 
me going about whistling and — and — carolling with joy ; 
but you know we have different moods. 

FiFi. Perhaps you have had a little matrimonial scene 
with Mrs. Bender, eh ? 

Bend. No — no — impossible ! We are like turtle doves. 
FiFi. Dear me ! I didn't know that turtle doves suffered 
so much. (^Laughs light/y.) 

Jos. (aside). Oh, the little fiend ! 

FiFi {archly). What do you think the other turtle dove 
would say if she saw this turtle dove sitting here with 
me ? 

Bend, {confused^ Ahem — I — 

[Josephine motiofis him to go on. Bender nods to 
his wife, and suddenly takes FiFi's hand. 
Ah, my dear young lady — 

FiFi {s77iiling). There — now you're more like yourself 
again. 

Bend, (jumping half up, and tryi7ig to cover tip Fifi's 7'e- 
mark). Ah, 'hem — yes — as you say — the — er — weather 
is more like itself again. (He still has her hand.) 

ENTER Augustus Mc Snath abruptly, door up r. 
He stops R., a7id sta7ids looki7ig at Bender. Jose- 
phine begins to 7notio7i to Bender viole7itly, f7-om 
the transom. Bender fi7ially sees her, and looks 
up R. Seei7ig McSnath, he i7ista7itly d7'ops Fifi's 
ha7id, a7id starts back. FiFi looks around and sees 
McSnath, but is perfectly composed. 
FiFi. Ah, we have an audience. 

McSnath {to c. ; stops on seeing the situatio7i). Beg par- 
don, my name is McSnath. 
Bend. (l.). Is it ? 

McSn. (c. ; suspiciously looki7ig at Bender). It is — I 
said it was. 

Bend. Well, I didn't say it wasn't. 



Jill tbe eotnforts of 1)omc. m 

FiFi. Ottoman. Bender. 

McSnath. 

McSn. I didn't say you did. [Fause. 

Jos. {inotio7iing to Bender. Loud whisper. Aside to him). 
Get him away — get him away. 

McSn. I'm an old friend of Mr. Pettibone. We haven't 
met for years. 

Bend. Don't say ? 

McSn. I do say. I said we hadn't met — 

Bend. I heard you. 

McSn. Is he at home .? 

Bend. No. 

McSn. I'm sorry. 

Bend. So am I. 

McSn. Stayed over a day, just to see my dear old Pet- 
tibone. 

Bend. Well, there's no such a person as your dear old 
Pettibone here. [McSnath looks suspiciously at Bender. 

McSn. {aside). Something out of the way going on. Very 
suspicious looking — I'll hunt him up, and tell him about it. 
He ought to know. [^READ V noise of falling sftp-ladder. 

Bend. Good-day, sir. 

McSn. I'll call again. 

Bend. We shall enjoy a visit from you at any time. 

[McSnath goes up r. 2 urns at door and looks back. 
Bender keeps his eye on McSnath. EXIT Mc- 
Snath, door up R. 
{Takes FiFi's hand passionately^ Thank Heaven, he's gone! 
You dear little — {starts back ; aside). Oh, Lord ! I forgot 
my wife. {Sinks on seat beside FiFi.) 

Jos. {iiside). He's doing splendidly now. 

FiFi. Oh, Mr. Bender, you must excuse me for not wait- 
ing breakfast for — {^READ Y Alfred to enter up r. 

Bend. {bus. ; sudden etideavor to interrupt). Ah, ahem ! 
{At the same time seizing a book from table or chair near at 



104 nw tlK eomforfs of I)ome. 

hmul^ and ihrowing it on foo)\) Yes. {Seizes her hmid^ 
No words can express it. [Fifi stares in surprise. 

Jos. {aside). What is the matter with the man 1 
Fifi. And after you had been so good about the dress- 
maker's little — 

Bkni). {!>7is. as before^ only stilt more excited, lliis time, he 
sends a 7'ase crashing to the floor. Rises, and exclai^ns in a 
loud 7'oia\ to drowfi Fifi's 7e7narks). Oh — ah — -yes — my 
dear ! Have you ever seen this album — ahem ? {Bus. 
seizing a portfolio f?'om desk, L., throiuing several books doiv?i, 
and opening it suddenly before Fifi. Bender sta?ids trembling, 
and 7vipes perspiration f?-07n his broiv.) 

Fifi {aside). I wonder if he's been drinking ! {She 
glances at the book which Bender shoved before her. Aloud?) 
Why, that isn't an album, Mr. Bender ! 

[READ Y Tom and Evangeline, to efiter up r. 
Bend. Eh ? {Snatches it away?) Oh ! {Aside?) This 
is killing me. The only way is to plunge in, and bring mat- 
ters to a climax. {Aloud ; sinking and kneeling beside Fifi, 
and putti7ig his ar77i arou7id her?) Miss Oritanski — I cannot 
conceal the beating of my heart — I cannot hide from you 
the fact, guilty though it is, that I love — 

AIUSIC, co77iedy dra7natic 77iusic with eleme7it of co7i- 

fusio7i and hurry i7i it. Play pp. for dialogue. 
ENTER Alfred up r. hastily, a7iticipating cue a 
little. He stops a7i i7ista7it in asto7iish77ie7it, c. 
Bender sees Alfred, ajid sig7is to hi77tf7'a7itically 
to go away. 
Alf. (c. ; conii7ig i7ito roo77i quickly'). Look here. Bender, 
you must be crazy ! I can't get you out of another scrape 
as I did with that confounded letter of yours, by taking it 
on myself — 

[BENDERy/zw/j- up with shout of alar 7n. Josephine 
fitters a ghastly sJuiek, and disappears fr07n tra?i- 
S0771 R. 3. Soujid outside R. 3, of crash, ba7ig, and 



BU tlK Comfom of Ijomc. ws 

clatter of falling step-ladder ; and at same tiine door 
R. 3 opeiis, ^^/^/ Josephine falls sivooning into the 
room c, ivith ladder falleti partly in door near her. 
FiFi screams and runs to her door l. 3 where she 
stands frightened. 

FiFi (l. 3 E.). His wife ! 

[Tom riishes on at door up R. Evangeline rims on 
at door up R. and falls on her knees by Josephine, 
with exclamation of alarm. READY curtai?i. 

Evan. (r. c. ; bus.). Oh, what is it, mamma? 

Tom up c. 
Alfred. Fifi. 

Evangeline. Josephine, on stage. 

Ottoman. 
Bender. 
Alf. Good Heavens, what have I done ! 
Bend. You've wrecked the entire family. 
Tom. (/// c). Ge-WhifHes ! Now, he'll get all the com- 
forts of home. 

MUSIC. Forte for curtain. Stop on curtain down. 
RING curtain. 

CURTAIN. 



106 Jill the €omfort$ of l)ome. 



ACT IV. 

SCENE. Same as in Act I. Bender is discovered up r., 
sitting on the bottoin stair ^ with his head buried in his hands 
as if in ?nental agony ^ and i?i such a way that he does ?iot at 
first attract attention. READ F Alfred and Evangeline, 
to enter r. 3 e. 

Bend. It was kind of Alfred and Evangeline to intercede 
for me — but — (shaki?ig head) — no use — no use. {Turns 
up sadly. Speaks meditatively^ ifi a low voice?) My wife — 
was never in such a state — before — never. 

ENTER Alfred and Evangeline r. 3, with a 
subdued quietfiess as if a dead body lay in the room. 
They close the door quietly and carefully. Bender 
turns to them, looking for a gleaffi of hope. 
(Low voice.) Well ? 

\_All come fo?'ward. READ V Josephine, to enter 
R. 3 E. 
Alf. (c. ; shakes head). She won't listen to anything. 
Evan. (r.). We reasoned with her all we could, papa. 

[Bender l. 
Evan. (r.). She is going to move to the hotel, and has 
already ordered the trunks taken over. She — she is to 
meet a lawyer there at four o'clock. 
Bend. (l.). x\ lawyer? 

[Evangeline and Alfred nod sadly. 
Alf. (c). Yes — Tom has gone out to bring one. 
Bend. And — what did she say — about me ? 
Evan, and Alf. Nothing. 

[Bender repeats '''' 7iothing^^ with his lips alo?ie — 
?io sound. He looks at Alfred. Alfred shakes 
his head. 



Jill the Comforts of Bomc. W7 

Evan. Oh papa — if a divorce could be avoided! {She 
puts her head down on Alfred's shoulder to hide her tears?) 

Bend, {after pause). And — you really think she would 
be so cruel — so heartless as to — ! 

MUSIC. A siveet, sad strain^ pp. " con expressione?^ 
Play a few bars for Josephine's entrance ; then 
stop. 
ENTER Josephine r. 3. Bender, seeing Jose- 
phine, breaks off with " Ahem " and a cough, and 
looks wande7'i7igly toward other parts of the room, 
Jos. {iloiini between Alfred ajid Bender). I am glad, 
children, that you are alone, for I have something to say. 

[Bender turiis slowly and looks at Josephine /;/ 
ghastly astonishment. Alfred looks at Josephine 
ifi surprise also. 
Evan, {crosses to Josephine). But, mamma dear — we're 
not alone. 

Jos. (l. c). Indeed ! {Looks about ?-oom.) I fail to see 
any one else. 

Bend. (l. aside). I must be growing thin. 
Jos. I wished to inform you that I have decided not to 
go home, but to find some quiet watering-place where no 
prying eyes will intrude upon my widow's sorrow. 

Bend, {suddenly breaking out). Oh, look here ! This is 
going a little — a — a — 

[Josephine looks sternly and coldly at Bender, y>r<f2- 
ing him into silence. Bender is frozen. Bus. 
Jos. (l. c. ; turning to Evangeline). It is singular that 
a stranger should have the audacity to address us. 
Evan. (r. c). A stranger, mamma ? 

Jos. I said a stranger. {Darts an indignant glance at 
Bender. Bender quails, l.) You will of course come with 
me, Evangeline, and you, Alfred, must join us as soon as 
you can. Then the whole family will be united again. 
Alf. (r. ; rather timidly). And — and your husband — ? 



10$ Jill tbe Comforts of l)Oiiie. 

Jos. My husband — my — ? {Stops a?id stands as if hoi d- 
i?ig back tears.) We will sometimes think of him. He was a 
man who had some good qualities. 

Evan, (wit/i new hope ; eagerly). Yes, mamma. 

Jos. But they were few and far between. 

Bend, {foj-getting hhnself again). Josephine, you'll do me 
the credit of — 

\Bus. of glance as before, stopping Bender /;/ the 
midst of his line. Bender again frozen. 

Jos. I wish to do justice to the memory of one who has 
passed away. 

Bend, {aside). Thunder and lightning ! This is not 
pleasant at all. ( Walks abotit and down on the l.) 

Jos. I wish this person wouldn't disturb us. {Going to 
d. r. 3 e. After looki?ig at Bender a7i instafit, tu?'ns to Evan- 
geline.) Evangeline, my child, you had better go over to 
our rooms at the hotel for the present. I will come soon. 
{Crosses to door.) 

Evan. (c). Yes, mamma. 

[Bender stops pacing and looks at them. Evange- 
line looks luicertainly at Bender. Slight pause. 

Jos. (/// R. ; to Evangeline. Speaks with a cold, calm 
voice}) Children, if you desire to take leave of your former 
father, I have no objection. {Goes slowly ^R. 3.) 

\_Slight pause. All three draw long breaths. 

Bend. (l.). There goes my widow. 

Alf. {crosses to Bender, l. Sy?npathetically.) Yes {tak- 
ing Bender's hand and pressing it), so far as I see, you're a 
dead man. {Crosses back to r.) 

\^READ FMrs. Pettibone andYMiwi, to enter up r. 

Bend, {to Evangeline). Evangeline (Evangeline to the 
r. of Bender), you received permission to take a last look 
at the remains. {Holds out hand to Evangeline.) 

Evan. (r. c. ; going quickly to Bender and embracing him). 
Oh, papa, I am so sorry ! 



m m Comforts of Rome. m 

Bend. (l. c). Thank you! Thank you ! 
Evan. (/(?oks round to r. 3 ; Ihen mo?-e co7iJideniially). You 
shall come with me to the hotel, and we will try to think of 
some way to appease her. {U?'ges Bender up r.) 

[Bender goes up r, with Evangeline. Alfred 
crosses to L. 
' Bend, {up r. ; turniug at door up R.). Alfred, my boy, let 
me know when I am to be buried. 

Evan, {up r. Shocked. As they go off). Oh ! 

[iS"X^^A^7" Evangeline ^//^/ Bender, door up r. 
Alf. (l. ; sits on ottoman ; laughs a little?) Poor papa 
Bender! Heaven only knows how he'll get out of this 
scrape. But I've got my own affairs to get out of — I can't 
be expected to worry about his. Thank the Lord, the house 
is nearly empty — and yet — that telegram ! It gives me the 
cold shivers when I think of it. Oh, nonsense ! They'd 
be here before this if they were coming. I dare say they 
got my dispatch. That ought to stop them. 

\He starts toward door up R. Seei?ig Mrs. Petti- 
bone and Emily enter^ he drops down r., a7id sits 
i?i chair L. of r. fable. ENTER door up R., Mrs. 
Pettibone and Emily, in travelling rig, carrying 
satchels, parcels, etc. They come in very abruptly, 
and see Alfred at once. They put down satchels, 
etc., up c. on table. 
Mrs. p. Ah, Alfred ! {She goes down to Alfred, and 
crosses to i..) 

Emily. Is that — ? {She goes to r. of Alfred.) Why, 

so it is ! 

Mrs. p. Yes, here he is — as large as life. 

\_Bus. of Mrs. Pettibone and Emily shaking his 
hands. Alfred's arms hang limp. 
Emily (c). Goodness ! What's the matter with him > 
He must be asleep. Here ! Wake up ! {She shakes him.) 

[Alfred recovers himself, r. c. 



110 Jill tbc eomfom of T)Otnc. 

Alf. Oh — yes — how-dy'-do ? Glad to see you. 

Emily {going up c). Well, it's about time ! 

Mrs. p. (l.). You received our telegram, of course ? 

Alf. (r. c. ; guiikly). Yes — but you didn't get mine ? 

Emily (/// c). Yours "i No. 

Alf. And I sent it ^'collect." 

Mrs. p. What did you say in it ? 

Alf. I told you not to — oh — well — it's of no conse- 
quence now, you know. 

Emily (/// c). You told us — not to — ? 

Alf. Not to — er — delay a moment. {Aside^ Hang 
it, I hate to lie like that ! 

[Emily /// c. ; Mrs. Pettibone l. 

Emily I {relieved). Oh! 
Mrs. P.i ^ ^ 

Mrs. p. And, now, Alfred, it is best for you to know at 
once why we are here, without my husband's knowledge, for 
it concerns you and Emily very deeply — very deeply. 

[Alfred looks at ladies anxiously. 

Emily {coming down c). Oh, mamma, dear, you're mak- 
ing such a tragic affair out of it ! 

Mrs. p. (l. ; cuttingly). Indeed ! Perhaps you can break 
the intelligence with more levity ? 

Emily (c; going to Alfred on his l. ; laughing). I'm 
sure there's no breaking about it. You see, Alfred — cousin 
Alfred (laughs), you and I have been about half or three- 
quarters engaged to each other for some time. Now, although 
we're very fond of each other — aren't we .'* — still, we both 
know it isn't exactly the kind required. 

[Alfred says nothing. 
I know you do — and I know I do — so, don't you think it is 
about time the engagement was — 'hem — {bu?'lesque comedy 
gesture) frustrated "i 

Alf. (r. c. ; rising ; suddenly seizing Emily's hand). You 
don't mean it ! 



Jill tbc eomfom of i)ome. in 

Emily (c. ; laughing; iuniifig to Mrs. Petti bone). See 
that ? What did I tell you ! The boy is so delighted, he 
hasn't the politeness to conceal it. 

Alf. Oh, no ! 

Emily. Oh, yes ! And I really believe {a?i idea coming io 
her. Slowly raises her Jiuger and poifiis it at him) — Alfred! 
You have been falling in love, too ! 

Alf. Too ! 

Emily {catching herself). Oh ! {Hajid over mouth an 
i?istant.) [READ Y Dabney, to enter l. 2 e. 

Alf. Then you — then she — ha, ha, ha ! {Looks from 
one to the other. Both ?iod their heads affir?nativcly.y Really ! 
Ha, ha ! Bless you ! I congratulate you. {Seizing Emily's 
ha/id, and then., in his enthusiasjn, Mrs. Pettibone's also.) I 
— I — 'Oh, this is joyful ! ha, ha, ha ! {Falling in chair l. of 
R. table.) 

Emily (c). Well — upon my word! {Going up c, 
piqued^ 

Alf. Who is the unfortunate man ? {Rises.) 

Emily and Mrs. P. {together). What ! 

Alf. No, fortunate, of course — ha, ha, ha ! We must 
be friends. I'll treat him royally — a drive — down the 
Strand — o' na'bus — Aquarium — {etc., for London local 
gags). Why don't you tell me his name.? {Up io Emily.) 

[Mrs. Pettibone and Emily have been in vain try- 
i?ig to stop the flow of Alfred's enthusiasm.) 

Mrs. p. a?id Emily. Victor Smythe. 

Alf. Ha — Vic — {aside). By George ! 

Mrs. p. {up to Emily and Alfred). Yes ; he has been 
devoted to Emily for a long time ; but for some reason, your 
uncle seems to have a particular aversion to the young 
man. 

Alf. {meaningly). Yes — he has. 

Mrs. p. I have done all I could to smooth matters over. 
[Alfred smothers a laugh. ENTER Dabney 



112 Jill tiK eottifom or f)ome. 

from his room, L. 2, towel aromul his head, nursing 
his head still, and in evident misery. 
Why, who is that person ? 

Emily (seeing Dabney). Dear me! 

Alf. That — ah — yes ! You mean — oh ! That ? 
(^Speaks confidentially^ Poor fellow, he has seen better days. 
A victim of cruel misfortune — drunken wife — starving chil- 
dren — and all that. I took pity on him. He helps me, 'hem 
— keep the house in order. [Aside.) That's true. 

[Dabney sinks on otto7nan, l. c. 
Mrs. p. (^pityingly). How sad the poor fellow seems. 
Emily. Yes — but come, mamma ; it would hardly do to 
have Mr. Smythe find us looking like this. 
Alf. Smythe ! He isn't coming here ! 
Mrs. p. Yes — we sent word to him from the station. 

[Alfred gives a look of ?-esignation. Dabney 
catches sight of the ladies, and rises quickly, hur- 
riedly trying to arrange his collar and coftceal the 
towel he had agai?ist his head. 
Dab. (rises to l. c). I most humbly crave pardon. I was 
not aware there were ladies present. 

Mrs. p. (going to Dabney). Ah — do not speak of it, 
dear sir. We know all. (Goes up.) 

[Dabney astonished. Alfred //V/C-j up book or paper, 

and watches bus. over the top of it. 

Emily (down to r. of Dabney). Yes — and you mustn't 

be down-hearted. Things will be better by-and-by. (Goes up.) 

Dab. (invohmtary motion toward head). I hope so, I'm 

sure. 

Mrs. p. (down r. of Dabney. Suddenly putting money 
into Dabney's hand.) Pray accept that. Only a trifle, but 
it may relieve you. (She quickly goes up to door l. 3, and 
EXIT.) 

[Dabney, overcome with surprise, turns and ivatches 
her off. READ Y Petti bone, to enter up r. 



Jill tbe €ottifort$ of l)Otne. 113 

Emily {fioivn r. of Dabney. Impulsively. Same bus. of 
giving Dabney viofiey). Yox your starving little ones. {Goes 
quickly up to door L. 3, and PIXIT.) 

Alfred sits l. of r. fable. Dabney, bus. of ajnaze- 
ment. He watcJies EiMILy off l. 3 e. Dabney 
goes to Alfred /;/ a state of blank astonishment. 
Alfred has picked up book or paper ^ which he pre- 
tends to be reading as he stands up r. c. 
Dab. {looking at money i?i his hands). What does all this 
mean ? 

Alf. {lookifig up frotn book). All what, mean ? 
Dab. (l. c). Why did they give me money for my starv- 
ing children ? 

Alf. (r. c). Who ? 
Dab. Those ladies. 

Alf. {looking around room). What ladies t 
Dab. (l. c). Who were here a moment ago. 
Alf. {shakes head). Haven't been any ladies here. {/Re- 
sumes perusal of book.) 

Dab. Ha! {Bus. Rubs eyes. Feels head. Looks at money.) 
Perhaps I'd better go out and get some air. 
Alf. Yes, do. {Moves down near chair^ r.) 

[Dabney goes up r. Just as he gets near stainvay, 

the door up r. opens^ and he stands back a little. 
ENTER Mr. Pettibone, door up r. hurriedly. 
He sees Alfred at once. 
Pet. Ugh ! Alfred ! {He is evidently laboring under 
great excitetnent. Mecha?iically tosses his ufubrella^ rugs, etc., 
to Dabney, without looking at him, and comes doivn r. c.) 

[Dabney catches the articles thrown to him., and 
stands an instant in still deeper and blanker beivil- 
derment. Puts hand to head. Blinks. Then turns 
and EXIT door up r., carrying the luggage in his 
arms. 
Ai.f. {aside). Merciful powers ! {Drops into chair.} 



114 jFlii tbc €omfom of f)omc. 

Pet. (l. ; going up and putting hat and coat on hat rack). 
You didn't expect to see me, I dare say. 

Alf. (r. ; face indicating that this is the e?id of everything). 
O yes — I thought you'd come. 

[Pettibone, coming down, shakes Alfred's haiid 
very hurriedly, a?id without show of feeling. Al- 
fred rises meekly for bus. of shaking hands. 
Pet. (l. c). I came here to sell this house. 

[READ V Emily and Mrs. Pettibone, to enter 

L. 3 E. 

Alf. (r. c. ; gasp). Sell it ! 

Pet. Yes — sell it — sell it. I will never live in the 
neighborhood. What do you think .'* Letters have come to 
her — while we were away. I am going to dispose of every- 
thing I own — everything — and then take her to America 
— or some other half-civilized country. I'll see you again in 
a moment — I must draw up some papers regarding the sale, 
and put them in the hands of my attorney. {Goes toward l.) 

Alf. Yes — of course. Ahem! Where did you leave 
the family ? 

Pet. The family.? Don't ask — no matter. {Goes l. 
Turns again.) Venice — I believe it was. I told them I 
was going to Hamburg on business. That was a lie. 
{EXIT L. 2.) 

Alf. {sits on ottomaft l. ; aside). This is the finishing 
stroke. It doesn't make any difference what happens now. 
Things have gone beyond me — but there's {rises) Emily and 

[RE AD V knock up R. 
Auntie. I'll warn them. {Goes to door l. 3.) It may do 
some good yet. {Knocks on door l. 3. Speaks i?i low voice.) 
Say — you two — - come out, quick. To c). 

ENTER Emily and Mrs. Pettibone l. 3. Al- 
fred sig?is them to be quiet. Emily comes down 
R. of Alfred. Mrs. Pettibone l. 

Emily arid Mrs. P. What's the matter, Alfred t 



Jill m eomfom or l>omc. ns 

Alf. (c). Sh — Uncle's here ! 

Emily and Mrs. P. What ! 

{^READ Y Mc Snath, to enter up r. 

Alf. Just arrived. Going to sell the house. Fact is, 
the reason he has been going on so lately is that he thinks 
this Smythe chap has been paying attentions to you {indi- 
cating Mrs. Pettibone). 

Mrs. p. (l.). Me ! Me ! {^BotJi ladies surprised. 

Emily (r. ; hidignaJitly). The idea ! 

Mrs. p. Emily, I have said all along that this conceal- 
ment was perfectly absurd. Now I shall have a talk with 
Mr. Pettibone. Alfred, do hurry to Mr. Smythe's lodgings, 
251 Wells Court Road, and tell him not to come here on any 
account, until I send him word. 

Alf. Very well. {Goes up r. Turns to tJicin^ Lock 
yourself in that room — don't stir until I get back. {EXIT, 
door up R.) \_Door of l. 2 ope?is. 

Emily {seeing door l. 2 open). Oh — it's papa ! 

Mrs. p. Hurry ! 

[Mrs. Pettibone and Emily run hastily into room 

l. 3, and close and lock the door. 
ENTER Pettibone, door l. 2, with papers., etc., and 
plasters. 

Pet. Alfred! {Looks about; sees that Alfred is not 
there.) W^hat has the boy been doing.? I never saw such 
horrible confusion in my life. Everything upside down. 
Full of medicine-bottles, plasters, music-scores — {throwing 
plasters ^ L. 2 E. ; going r.). I can't do any work there. 
{Crosses to r.) \_A knock on door up r. 

(Pettibone stops.) Who is it .'' 

ENTER Mc Snath, door up r., comes doicn l. c. 

McS. (l. G.). Ah! My dear Pettibone! Fm glad to 
find you at last. (McSnath comes down to PKTrii'.oNK. and 
stops.) 

Pet. (r. c). Find mc .? What do you — wlio arc you 1 



lie Jill fbc Comforts of l)ome. 

McS. Why, McSnath — your ancient friend McSnatli. 
You haven't forgotten ? {Ila/ds out hand.) 

Pet. (shaking McSnath's hanii vicchanicall}\ and dropping 
it at once.) Oh, McSnath. Ancient friend. Yes. Glad to 
see you — sit down. (Goes r., absently.) 

[McSnath astonished. Follo7vs Petti bone iviJJi eyes. 

McS. {sits L. of ^. table; aside). Odd sort of welcome 
this is, I must say. Something's wrong with him. (Alotid.) 
You've been out of town, I believe ? 

Pet. (extre?ne r.). Eh ? Oh — yes — yes — I believe so. 

McS. I called here only a short time ago. 

Pet. Yes — I dare say you did. 

McS. I did. That's what I say. And although I didn't 
find you at home, I had the pleasure of seeing your wife. 

Pei'. {suddenly aroused. 7'nrns). Eh ! 

McS. (aside). Ah ! That's what is troubling him. (Jiises 
and crosses to L.) 

Pet. (r. c). You say you saw — ? 

McS. (l. c). My dear friend — calm yourself ; but take 
my advice and don't go off on a journey again. 

Pet. What are you talking about ? 

McS. Now, be calm, 1 say ! No wonder her behavior , 
enrages you. 

Pet. Ah ! (Quick exclamation.) How do you know 
that ? 

McS. Good lieavens ! Couldn't I see .? 

Pet. See what .'' 

McS. What was going on a couple of hours ago — in 
this room. Your wife seated there — enjoying the society 
of a gentleman, and, from all appearances, enjoying it very 
much. 

Pet. (half choking in effort to stop McSnath). Aw — gig 
— stop ! Nonsense ! Absurd ! I left my wife in Venice — 
day before yesterday. Venice ! Do you hear ? (Petti- 
bone walks about savagely.) 



J\\\ the Comforts of fiomc. ii7 

{^READY knock, <7W Smyth e to enter up R. 
McS. {glances about room, having gone up to luggage on table 
up c.) Oh, you did ! (McSnath moves about slowly^ 
Pet. (/// R. c). Yes, I did. 
McS. (/// L. c, pickmg up shawls or satchels up c). Whose 

are these? 

[Petti BONE turns and looks. Rushes up and seizes 
luggage, looking wildly at it. 
Pet. {screa?ns, droppi?ig tlwigs on tabic). Ah — ! 
McS. Venice, I think you said ? 

Pet. {choking with rage). What does — who — ah — 
where — Oh — I'll sift this thing to the bottom now! 
( Walks about excitedly.) The bottom ! The bottom ! 
McS. That's right. The bottom. 

Pet. {suddenly seizes McSnath's hand). Old friend — 
you will stand by me ? Say you will. 
McS. I will. 

Note. Flay very rapidly from here to end of the 
act. They wrifig each other 's hands. A knock at 
door up R., both looking up suspiciotcsly. 

Pet. Come in ! 

ENTER Victor Smythe door up r. He comes into 
room inqui7'ingly. 
Smythe (r. c.)- I beg pardon — 

Pet. (c. ; yell). Ah! {Rushes toward Smythe, who re- 
treats to R. )/ R. table?) There he is 1 By what right do you 
enter this house ? Answer, before I strangle you where you 

stand ! 

Smythe. Really, sir — I — I came in response to are- 
quest from a — lady. 

Pet. Say it ! Say it, sir ! From my wife ! 

Smythe. It was the lady I once supposed to be your 

wife — 

Pet. Ah ! {As f faint.) A cliair ! 

[McSnath assists him to ottoman. 



lit Jill m eomforts of l)ome. 

Smythe (r.). I'm really very sorry, sir. I had no idea 
it would affect you so painfully, considering that you never 
were married to her — 

Pet. {springing up to c. Biis^ What do you mean ? 
Never mar — Who the devil told you that ? 

Smythe (r.). T'was your servant who gave me the dis- 
tressing information. \^READ Y Bender, to e?iter up r. 
Pet. Servant ! {Stamps about up a?id do7vn r.) Which 
servant ? The scoundrel ! It's the most scandalous false- 
hood ever breathed. 

Smythe. Falsehood 1 Falsehood t Oh, sir, this makes 
me very happy. 

Pet. (c. ; comifig afid faci?ig Smythe). Oh, sir ! It 
doesn't make me happy at all. {Stamps about.) I'll — I'll 
get a divorce — a divorce, do you hear 1 — and then you 
can marry the woman, for all I care. 
Smythe {alarmed). I — ? 

Pet. You ! You ! You ! As you've been paying her 
such infernally devoted attentions — 

McS. (l. ; aside to Pettibone ; interrupti?ig quickly). 
No, no ! That wasn't the one. 
Pet. Not the one ? 
McS. No. It was another man. 

Pet. What ! Is there another ? My soul ! ( Walks 
about more excited than ever.) 

[Smythe goes up in time to be behind d. /// r. as 
Bender enters and squeezes him between door and 
wall. Smythe, during the following scene, stares 
and blinks in bewilderme?it, and is 7?iainly occupied 
i?t trying to keep out of the way of others who rush 
about in excitement. He backs timidly fro7n o?ie 
place to another, gets behind chairs, etc. 
Why doesn't he come, so that I can kill him ? Why — 

ENTER Bender, door up r. 
McS. (l. ; seei7ig Bender). There ! There he is ! That 
is the one ! 



Jill tbe eomforfs of l)ome* 119 

Pet. (l. c). Ha ! That ? 

[McSnath nods. Pettibone rushes at Bender as 
he comes down r. c. 27iey meet tip r. c. 
So, sir ! You are here ! 

Bend. (c). I seem to be. What of it ? 
Pet. (l. c). This of it ! I want your life ! I'll have 
satisfaction out of you ! Satisfaction — you hear ? 
Bend. What for .? 

Pet. I am the husband of the lady you have made love 
to. Now, do you understand 1 

Bend. You have made a mistake — my name is Bender. 
Pet. You'd better change it to Breaker. This good 
friend of mine came in here this morning, and saw you sit- 
ting there by her side. [^^^Z> F Alfred, to e?iter tip R. 
Bend, (aside). Thunder and lightning ! 
Pet. Now, sir ! I shall call you to account, sir ! 
Bend. I'm happy to hear it, sir. And while we talk of 
accounts, since you are the lady's husband, you can pay this 
little dressmaker's bill for your wife. {Pulls out bill.) 

Pet. {in high whining key). What — my wife — has allowed 
you to pay her debts ? {Paces floor in agony.) 

Bend, {shoc'ing bill into Fettibq-ne's hand). There's the 
receipt — can't you read ? [Pettibone seizes the bill. 

Pet. (l. c). Ha, ha, ha! A pretty game! It says {beat- 
ing flngcr on bill excitedly) Fifi Oritanski. My wife's name is 
Pettibone. 

Bend. (r. c). It doesn't matter — she's probably called 

herself that, as Pettibone was such a d d ugly name. 

Pet. {in high rage). Ha ! {Paces about.) 

[Bender paces about excitedly also. 
I'll have no more words ! 

[^READV Mrs. Peitibone, to enter l. 3 e. 

Bend. Neither will I ! [Bus. 0/ both threatening, etc. 

Note. — Use great care to avoid carrying this scene to 

burlesque. It must be kept entirely natural, and 

played without exaggeration. 



120 jflll m Comforts of 1)omc. 

ENTER Alfred, hurrying in door up r. Smythe, 
on Alfred's e?itra7ice, luns with fright up the stair- 
case, and rettirns in a moment to up c. 
Alf. {comitig doian). Smythe wasn't — (^Sees Petti bone, 
Bender, etc., and turns at once, going toivard door up r.) 

Pet. {rushing and catching Alfred). Here — here — 
stop ! {Brings Alfred down?) I demand an explanation. 
An explanation. [Bender sits l. of r. table. 

My wife — my wife is here. 

Alf. (r. c). You've seen her, then ! 

[Pettibone, l. c. ; McSnath, l. ; Bender, r., seated. 
Pet. \ 

McSn. \ {a subdued exclamation together'). Ah ! 
Bend. J 

[McSnath crosses up behifid to up c. 
Alf. {going to door l. 3, knocks). Come out, auntie — he 
knows you're here. 

[Pettibone takes the c. Sou?id of u?i2ocking door. 

EN2ER Mrs. Pettibone, door l. 3. Alfred crosses 

at back over to r., and sits r. of ^. table. 

Mrs. p. {motioning back to Emily outside l. 3. Wait until 

I've spoken to him. {Turns to Pettibone. Down l. of 

Pettibone.) 

Pet. (l. c). Madam, I have discovered everything — 
everything ! 

Mrs. p. (l. ; with a cheerful look at Smythe, who is up c). 
Oh, I'm very glad he told you ! I hope you are satisfied 
with my choice. 

Pet. Satis — ! {Stops in fitter amazement.) 
Mrs. p. Yes. Mr. Smythe is a most deserving young 
man, and of a very good family. 

Pet. {becoming wild). What in the deyil's name do I care 
for his family ! 

Mrs. p. (l.). Have you any objection to him .? 

Pet. (l. c. ; tcith scathing irony). Oh — not at all — not 



Jill tDe eotnfom of l)ome. 121 

at all. And the other {looks at Bender, r.), how about iiis 
family ? 

Mrs. p. What other 1 

Pet. Allow me. {lakes Mrs. Pettibone by the hand 
rather roughly, and leads her up to Bender, who rises, and 
stands surprised h. o/r. table?) [McSnath is near Bender. 
Here is the other ! Quite a gathering of your agreeable 
friends ! 

Bend, {having risen ; politely to Pettibone). May I beg 
the honor of an introduction ? 

Pet. (c). You mean to say you don't know my wife 1 

\Slight pause. All quiet. McSnath eoj?ies down to 
r. ^Pettibone. 

McSn. {low but earnest voice). Look here ! Is that your 
wife } [READ Y Emily to enter l. 3 e. 

Pet. {lookiiig at Mrs. Pettibone). Certainly. 

[McSnath gives one look, then turns abruptly about, 
and walks off at door up r. rapidly. Others luatch 
EXIT of McSnath /// r. d. 
{Turning to Mrs. Pettibone.) Rosabelle — how aui I to 
explain your presence here ? 

Mrs. p. (l.). Very simply. I took advantage of your 
absence in Hamburg — 

Pet. (l. c). Ahem ! {Bus.) 

Mrs. p. — to come here with Emily and bring about an 
understanding between her and Mr. Smythe {indicating 
Smythe, who is up c), who have loved each other a long 
time, but were afraid to speak to you. 

Pet. {after looking at Smythe, etc.). Rosabelle — you will 
foroive me — I have been behavins; like a lunatic — because 
I thought that he — 

Mrs. p. Yes — I know. 

[Pettibone ,i,''/^<?j /// and shakes hands with Smvihi". 
Mrs. Pettibone o'^^e'j /// with him. . 

Emily {peeping out at door \.. 3). I can come now, can't I ? 



122 Jill tiK eoitifcm of i>omc« 

[READ y Evangeline and Josephine, to enter tip 
R. and R. 3 E. 
Mrs. p. Yes — yes. 

[Emily ENTERS at door l. 3, and goes quickly to 
Smyth E, c. Bus. Petti bone kisses her, etc. 
Pet. {comes down; to Alfred). But wait. Wait, I say. 
How. about Alfred ? 

Alf. (seated r.). Yes — you've overlooked me entirely. 
{Rises to c). 

[Emily, Mrs. Pettibone, and others looking on. 

Pet. (l. c). You — you were going to marry her, weren't 

you .? [READ Y Tom, to ejiter up r. 

Alf. (r. c. ; pulls out the paper used in Act i). That is 

my impression. And this little document you signed just 

before you left, will answer very well in a law-suit. 

Pet. ") 

Mrs. p. > Law-suit ! Mercy on us ! Dear me ! {Etc.) 
Emily ) 

[Smyth E a7id Emily c, cross and go doivn r. 
Alf. But on the whole, I'll let it go, and resign myself to 
my fate. {Crosses back, meeting Smythe and Emily; shakes 
hands and cofigratulates them both, and up round to c.) 

Bend, {seated l. of r. table). Yes — and the reason is, if 
you'll permit me to speak, that his fate is to become my 
son-in-law. \^The VKYiiBOti^. family surprised. 

Mrs. p. (l.). Ah — this noble resignation ! 

ENTER Evangeline, door up r. As she comes on, 
Josephine ENTERS, door r. 3, meefmg her r. 
On Josephine's e?itrafice, Bender rises and stands 
stiffiy and u?imoved. 
Jos. (l. c.). Evangeline, I will go to the hotel — 
Evan, {up yl. c). Mamma! {Stopping her, and indicating 
the gathering in the room.) 

Alf. {going up for bus.). Mrs. Bender, Evangeline — my 
uncle, my aunt, my cousin, and Mr. Smythe. {Bus.) 



Jill m Comfom of i)cme. m 

ENTER Tom, door up r., rwmhig m with great 
noise and slajn, so that all look arviwd. 
Tou (Jo c). Mrs. Bender ! Mrs. Bender ! I've got that 
there lawyer fur ye at last. He's comin' up the steps. (Tom 
stops up stage, lookifig at the crowd.) 

Alf. (/// L. c. ; eiitreatingly). Ah — Mrs. Bender — be 
merciful ! 

Evan, {iip r. c. ; 7vith feeling). Mamma — think of papa 
— think of us all. 

[Josephine, np c, looks at Bender. She hegijis to 
smile OiS if her stern resolve were melting. Bender 
still staTids rigid. Josephine comes down to Ben- 
der. 
Jos. Theodore — 

Bend. (r. ^Josephine). I'm dead ! 
Jos. (l. ^/Bender). That depends upon me, Theodore. 
Bend. Do you think of resurrecting me.-* 
Jos. For the children's sake, I do 
Bend. Then I forgive you. 

[Josephine sits in chair l. of-^. table. Bender kneel- 
ing a little to L. of her ; si?nperifig forgiveness, etc. 
MUSIC. Bright and catchy bit to end piece. Play 
pp. until cue " I Gits Half:' Then forte for cur- 
tain. 
Pet. (l.). Look here, Alfred, how in the world did all 
this come about — eh .? [Mrs. Pettibone l., Emily r. 

Mrs. P. rttW Emily {together). Yes — how was it.? We'd 
like to know. [READ Y Curtain. 

Alf. (c. ; seizing Tom and bringing him dowfi on his l.). 
Through a little idea of mine in which I was ably assisted 
by taking this young man into partnership on the sole condi- 
tion — 

Tom. That I gits half. [^RING Curtaifi, 

CURTAIN. 



WHAT'S NEXT? 

A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts, by Bob Watt. 



PRICE, 25 CENTS. 



Seven male, four female characters, with four utility parts to be doubled by 5 

the preceding. If desired, a lot of school children can be worked into the ^ 

first act. Two interior scenes, School Room and Parlor ; easily staged ; can be C 

played in any hall. A "specialty" play that is simply three acts of laugh. ? 

5 Has a first-ratf leading soubrette role (Country Girl), Audiences will giggle ^ 
S over this play for a month and then want to see it played again. 

O 

O CAST OP Cff ARACTERS. 

5 Polly Poke, o conundrum i Rniihr*>tt/» T>*ad 

3 Mary Ann Foqarty, from the E)nerald Isle ) oouorecte A.eaa 

(5 Rose Madder, a victim of the green-eyed vionster .Juvenile Woman. C 

(^ Gektib Qvsh, of uncertain age, and after a husband Ingenue. © 

S Mrs. Wallace, a fascinating tvidow on the lookout for ^ 

nuviber two ** ^ 

^ Dr. Charles Chintzer, generally called •'Chub," who J: 

2 takes ivhat turns up Llpht Co»«<ly. J^ 

9 Moses ^Madder, an artist ivith a great head for fcusiness. Eccentric Comedy. C 

(9 Phineas Poke, one of the deestrict school board, and pro- C 

(% pnetor of Poke's Pine Potion Eccentric Old Man. © 

5 Zeph Somers, a rustic ivith "Injuns" on the brouin Eccentric Comedy. ^ 

(Sl Timothy Treitwith, a specimen from Texas, in search of ^ 

># hia rlntiyihtffv- _ nomedv Old Man. =: 



e 



hisdaughter Comedy Old Man. 

^ Willy Nilly, a dudeZef /rowt Ootham, Comedy Dude. 

(j MiCHAEii McGiLP, wan avd«/oiuesi, Dialect Comedy. %* 

(% Time of Representation, Two Hours and a Half. A 

s $ 

9 SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. J 

2 -^CT I.— The Bogtown District School. Chub's story.— Scheme No. 1.— 5 

3 "Have you a week-day aud a Sunday name?"— Poke's Pine Potion.— The ^ 
(9 sonipact.— Polly's first lesson in love.— One of the deestrict school board.- O 
(3i visitors.—" Washington crossiug the Alps."— Scheme No. 2.— The school ex- %) 
O amlnation.— Zeph makes a sensation.— The young idea out shooting.— © 
5^ " Danged If it ain't like the circus ! " ^ 
(3 ACT II.— MosES Madder's Studio in New York. A domestic set-to.— Willy C) 
a comes in, in a hurry.- "Bwing on the girl and the minister."— Polly paralyzes fc 
S the dude.— " You're a pretty good liar, ain't you 7"— Hiring a "boomer."— ^ 
X Chub and Polly.— Gertie gets gushing.- Timothy Trenwith, from Texas.— 2( 
X Zeph has another conniption.— Getting some points from the widow.— A jolly x 
5 row In the house.— Willie gets left,— Madder's schemes grow shaky.— "Fust J^ 
3 scalp for Zeph ! " © 
•^ ACT III.— Scene as Before. A flattering arrangement.-" Look here, I © 
(J ain't no angel!"— Polly's plan.— Willie in trouble again.— Gertie and the © 
3 widow have another tifif.— " Sufferin' Cyrus, what shall I do!"— Another f) 
^% scheme smashed.- Mary Ann Fogarty on the servant question.- Gertie f) 
a catches a man at last.—*' The circus is going to begin."- Willie runs amuck g) 
,-£ with wan av the foinest.— Madder's masterpiece.- The " boomer " takes a ^ 
X trick.—" I'm as happy as ef I owned the hull state of Texas ! "—Gertie on the z 
2 warpath.- "O, Chub, that kerflumuxes me ! "—Willie and the widow.—" I've ^ 
"3 got a little lie and I can't tell a hatchet."— The last scheme knocked In the 5 
9 head.— " What's Next ? " w 



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I HAROLD ROORBACK, Publisher, 132 Nassau St., New York. 



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ALL THE COMFOnia ^r nwivil 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

A comedy in four acts, by William Gillette, as 
first produced at the Boston Museum, March 3, 
1890. Authorized copyright ecJition, printed from 
the original prompt-copy. Ten male, seven female 
characters. Time of representation, two hours 
and thirty-five minutes. 



A NIGHT OFF. 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

A comedy in four acts, from the German of Schon- 
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Daly's Theatre, New York, March 4, 1885. Au- 
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prompt-copy. Six male, five female characters. 
Time of representation, two hours and a half. 



SEVEN-TWENTY-EIGHT. 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 

A comedy in four acts, from the German of Schon- 
than, by Augustin Daly, as first produced at 
Daly's Theatre, New York, February 24, 1883, 
Authorized copyright edition, printed from the 
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characters. Time of representation, two hours and 
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